TWO PINK LINES

...the internet, my husband, and my grandparents. To everybody else I am this arrogant bitch that nobody can stand. It hurts me more than anything else, this little fact that I am always misjudged - even by my own family. I rarely talk about it, or complain - because I am 27 years old, not 13... and let's be honest, once your teenage years are a thing of the past, drama of "nobody likes me" is getting a bit old.

I just logged off IM chat with my own sister, after she insulted me very badly last week in front of the whole family, and even though she initiated the talk right now, saw no reason to apologize, but just came up with this new load of insults on top of the old one, as justification on why, in fact, I would have to apologize to her.

Basically... I finally need to open my eyes and look around me, to realize what people are thinking about me, how nobody really can stand me at all, even those claiming to be my friends, how everybody just deals with me out of pity. I am the definition of arrogance, I try to make everybody dance to the blow of my whistle, and I keep my husband's testicles firmly gripped in my iron claws. I am generally unbearable, annoying, overbearing, a burden, and if I'd only finally open my eyes, I'd see how everybody is right in thinking such about me, and I am very wrong about everything: my views about others, my views about the world, my views about myself. Mostly about myself, cause, let's face it, I am not much of THE SHIT(tm) at all, which I so delusionally think myself to be.

And the very fact that I reacted to all of this like every other human being with a heart beating inside their chest would, proves that deep down inside I know that this is true. Otherwise I wouldn't take it so much to heart.

Or would I...?

How else should I react? All throughout my life I have been misjudged and deserted by people who I thought deserved my love, I have been betrayed, I have been left, I have been badly hurt. I know I should probably back up such a broad generalization with actual accounts of what happened, but for the most part these things are better left in the past where they belong.

As a result, the time I need to warm up to a person and consider them a friend has gotten longer and longer over the years, and is now to a point where I refuse to consider anybody I newly meet a friend at all, no matter how much time passes. I am reluctant to approach new people to the point of where I can't do it anymore at all, relying heavily on my extremely social husband in such matters. As a result, nobody ever remembers the quiet woman by his side, while he makes friends and acquaintances wherever he goes. And if somebody does remember me, I am remembered as arrogant... for "quiet and shy" apparently equals "full of myself". It has even gotten so bad, amplified by my miscarriage, that I now retreat from the few proven friends that I do have as well. I feel safest and most protected at home, with nobody else around me. Not even my husband. I do not pick up my phone anymore unless absolutely necessary, and I don't return phone calls. I avoid leaving the house unless absolutely necessary, and I decline requests of going out and having fun at nighttime every time now.

Of course I understand how this behavior can be interpreted as "arrogant" and "unfriendly". The sad part is that nobody ever questions me about it, or tries to find out the reasons behind it. Nobody cares. They stuff me into some kind of pre-fabricated idea of how they THINK I am like, and there is no getting out of it. And every little thing I do is categorized to fit right in. My dream wedding, for instants? Something that was so beautiful, just as I always dreamed it would be, and required so much work and organization from both of us? Just proves my self-centered megalomania without regards for others, especially not my husband. My attempts at defending myself against assaults like the one my sister hauled at me? Just proves how arrogant I am, and hard-headed, and blinded to the truth that everybody sees but me. My more and more pronounced existence as a hermit, born of hurt and rejection from people? Proves how I think I am better than everybody else, and lead an absolutely boring life with no idea what REAL fun is like.

The list goes on. And on. And on.

So, pathetically, I write about it on the internet, on a blog that hardly anybody ever reads. I write the truth off my chest on the internet, the truth I would never tell anybody outright, for fear it would be interpreted as yet another instance of feeling sorry for my poor self, and an attempt to draw even more attention to myself than I already suck up on a day-to-day basis. I retreat more and more into my art, into my work, into myself.

Of course all of these reactions and my turning away from what is hurting me just adds to the fire, and seems to confirm what everybody already seems to think they know about me.

Nobody gives me a chance, nobody sees behind my shell, nobody cares to do so. The only people I can be who I know I am inside with are my husband, and my grandparents. My husband, who is in full posession of his testicles, and does the things he does - however they might seem to the outside world - out of his OWN. FREE. WILL, has said on numerous occasions how I am the most gentle and selfless and loving person he has ever seen when I am with my grandparents.

And it's true... but why is it true? Because they LET me be this way. They WANT me to be this way. They LOVE me this way, they KNOW I am this way. I couldn't be any different with them if I wanted to - the problem is that I want to be this way with EVERYBODY... but that's just not happening. All my love and the things I want to do for others are contained to my own little nest, where I sit most of the time, abandoned by the world. And if I do show it, it's immediately turned against me, in the assumption that I am just nice because I want something for it in return.

I really shouldn't care. I shouldn't write it down, either. But hey - the internet is the only thing that listens - and it doesn't throw an insult right back.

Where is this heading? How much more can I do than avoid as much contact to people as I possibly can, and stay home within my own walls, contained to my own loneliness and hurt?

Maybe this is the reason why I want a child so badly right now - because for at least a few years, there will be a person who'll love me unconditionally, without judging me and without turning it's little back on me, much less insulting me. A person who I can love as much and intensely as I want to love everybody else, and who will receive that love unconditionally. At least until it'll hit it's teenage years. And when THAT happens, I hope that it'll me much like it's father... and not at all like it's dysfunctional unbearable mother.

Oh, the temptation. Oh, the twinkle in your eyes. Oh, how you wanted us. Of course... no pressure. You are the one with the girlfriend. Of course you are also the one with the deal that you can be with others if you want to, just as you allow her to. Hey... it's up to you. We ain't gonna allow bad karma to rack up by seducing you into cheating on your girlfriend... but if you have such a deal... we are free to flirt you and tease you into the ground without feeling bad, yes?

Either way... I know you wanted us. I know you were *this* close to making your move. I know that if you wouldn't have left when you did, you would have done more than just grope my boob and sit on his lap in a matter of minutes.

No pressure, Bud. We understand. We're here. Can't help it that we're hot. ;)

It's been a week and a day since my doctor confirmed my miscarriage. In this time I went from extreme grief, to anger, to guilt, to depression, to feeling sorry for myself, to writing it off as "nothing, really", to actually being glad because "I can go on with my life as before without having to give up on anything", to not even wanting to get out of bed in the morning, because I thought I couldn't deal with the loss at all.

I went from wanting to try again as soon as my cycle is back to normal, to never wanting to try again - and I constantly switch between the two in a matter of minutes.

I just went through our honeymoon pictures, and when I came to the days where I took the pregnancy test, and the few days after when everything seemed still alright, I relived the whole range of emotions that I went through when the reality of this pregnancy settled in... how special it all was, and how wonderful my husband reacted and treated me, his pregnant wife. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming, I almost went down on my knees in agony. Yet at the same time I feel like I am "over it", and I am looking ahead. I am tackling the things I wanted to tackle before I knew I was pregnant, and we are meeting Bud tomorrow for coffee - here at home. I am not sure what to expect, since he now has a girlfriend and a few months ago told us he would not cheat on her, but today on the phone he sounded a bit more ambiguous. Either way, meeting him will be a reminder of the lifestyle we have chosen, and I am excited to get myself back on track, and my head out of the mud.

We are even thinking about going back to the swingers club on the weekend.

Distraction. This works best for me right now. It's not like I am banning my grief out of my brain, but right now I find that the more people I surround myself with, the better I feel. People keep my mind busy, they keep my occupied, they draw my mind away from dwelling in darkness. Right now I feel that if I get back to my life as it was before the wedding preps and everything that followed interrupted it, it will be best. We will live on, just live our lifes... and not worry or stress about another baby right now. I think this will be the best way to make it happen when it is supposed to happen... and maybe even sooner than we both would think.

When you lose a baby, suddenly people are nice to you. They don't know what to say, granted, but they try to make for their lack of comforting words by comforting actions. I got a box full of hand-picked chocolates of all my favorite flavors, I got a week off of work to deal with the loss on an emotional level, I got a free home-brewed psychotherapy session, I got more phone calls than I would get in a whole month, and reassurances about the health of my "next baby" that'd almost made me feel as if I was pregnant again already and about to pop the next Mr. Universe, I was not allowed to carry heavy stuff (or just about anything at all), and I was given the seat wherever there was a seat available. Not to mention the hugs. Oh, the hugs. And phone-condolences.

And the awkward attempts at making me feel better. Those were the best. My best friend? Tried to make me a bit less sad by telling me with all the best intentions that I didn't really lose a baby, but rather just a bunch of cells. "Don't even tell yourself that you lost a BABY. It was just a heap of cells, m'kay?" Yeah, m'kay. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Nevermind. Why is it, that an embryo in the sixth week of pregnancy apparently is not a valid enough reason to feel all this sadness and grief? Why does it feel like it is somehow inappropriate to mourn for my lost baby, just because I really wasn't far along at all? How far along is far enough to justify feeling the way I do? Why do I almost have to feel guilty, because apparently my depression and devastation over this loss somehow negatively influence me and my potential future pregnancy?

Did I need to have seen my baby on an ultrasound to make it real? Did I need to have heard its heartbeat to be able to call it a LIFE? Did I need to have felt it kick me in order to fall in love with it? Or did I need to have a stillbirth in order to justify all these tears I have cried?

We have lost our child. It has left us far before we could really get used to its reality, and way before we could even find out if it was a son or a daughter - but it was our child nonetheless. A child that we both wanted very much. Let me mourn it, and let me mourn it for as long as it takes. I'll be alright, but I'll be alright on my own terms. Don't tell me how I am supposed to be feeling, or how I am not supposed to be feeling. Just let me cope with this, before I can look positively into the future.

I had you, my dear love, for a very short time... I couldn't see you, I couldn't feel you, my love, but you were there... and I loved you right away... we both did. Loved you so much, the idea of you, our future with you, your tiny reality growing inside of me. We wanted you so much, we were thrilled that you were there.

My love, we would have done anything for you.

Tomorrow, when they anaesthetize me to scrape your remains out of me, maybe... maybe I can be with your little soul for a little while. Get to know you in the lands far off all consciousness. Maybe you'll wait for me there...? Let me hold you just once?

Thank you, my love, for being with me, even if it was just a little while. A little while, in which you made me a Mom... your Mom, my baby... you were my biggest gift in life.

You'll always live in my heart, my love.

I love you,

Mom.

Well, since we have another 40 minutes before our laundry will be done and we can take off again heading farther on this amazing trip through México, I actually have some time to let you people know that I have spent the whole of yesterday on a beach in the Caribbean. The Mexcian Caribbean that is, on the peninsula of Yucatán. Forget whatever kind of ocean and beaches you may have seen in your life before... you have seen NOTHING until you see the Caribbean Ocean. And you can trust my judgement here for I have seen MANY different oceans in my well-travelled life.

I also feel a certain pride in being about 120 kilometers south of Cancun, yet having refrained of going there. Can´t be fucked with touristy crap... endless tourist-ridden beaches, and monster hotels. People that spent 2 weeks in a hotel in Cancun and claim that they "have been in México". I abhorr mass tourism, and feel pity for those whose idea it is to spend a week or two in a mass hotel, frying themselves on the local beach or, worse, the hotel pool. Mass tourism is a disease most Austrians are suffering from, and I am proud to say that I stand apart - very FAR apart from this mentality. As it is, we have crossed 9 states already, our journey extending over almost half of the country. We are spending our nights in small towns far of all tourism in simple local hotels, trying to get as authentic a taste of this country as possible. The last two nights we have spent in a Caribbean log/straw hut type hotel... simply wonderful.

I have a tan like I haven´t seen on myself in several years. I, the Whitey, "la guerita", tan better than my native Mexican husband... which makes me feel strangely proud of myself... lol.

A bit less than 2 more weeks to go... we are slowly turning back towards inland, on a long and sightseeing-filled journey back towards Acapulco.

We will return from this wonderful journey on October 9... updates should be more frequent by then... maybe with a little different theme and headline. Who knows. :)

Oh... the wedding? For anonymity reasons on this blog I will refrain from showing pictures, but for those who know me, I will have pictures to share once I am back. It was the most wonderful wedding, just like I pictured it to be... and that´s really all there needs to be said about it right now. Maybe I will go into detail at some later point, but since a wedding is such a private matter, I will probably refrain from that too, this is not the proper channel. You can always email me for pictures, and I may just share. :)

For now... sunburnt and married greetings from Quintana Roo! :)