Thursday, October 19, 2006
Moving on...
It's been a week and a day since my doctor confirmed my miscarriage. In this time I went from extreme grief, to anger, to guilt, to depression, to feeling sorry for myself, to writing it off as "nothing, really", to actually being glad because "I can go on with my life as before without having to give up on anything", to not even wanting to get out of bed in the morning, because I thought I couldn't deal with the loss at all.
I went from wanting to try again as soon as my cycle is back to normal, to never wanting to try again - and I constantly switch between the two in a matter of minutes.
I just went through our honeymoon pictures, and when I came to the days where I took the pregnancy test, and the few days after when everything seemed still alright, I relived the whole range of emotions that I went through when the reality of this pregnancy settled in... how special it all was, and how wonderful my husband reacted and treated me, his pregnant wife. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming, I almost went down on my knees in agony. Yet at the same time I feel like I am "over it", and I am looking ahead. I am tackling the things I wanted to tackle before I knew I was pregnant, and we are meeting Bud tomorrow for coffee - here at home. I am not sure what to expect, since he now has a girlfriend and a few months ago told us he would not cheat on her, but today on the phone he sounded a bit more ambiguous. Either way, meeting him will be a reminder of the lifestyle we have chosen, and I am excited to get myself back on track, and my head out of the mud.
We are even thinking about going back to the swingers club on the weekend.
Distraction. This works best for me right now. It's not like I am banning my grief out of my brain, but right now I find that the more people I surround myself with, the better I feel. People keep my mind busy, they keep my occupied, they draw my mind away from dwelling in darkness. Right now I feel that if I get back to my life as it was before the wedding preps and everything that followed interrupted it, it will be best. We will live on, just live our lifes... and not worry or stress about another baby right now. I think this will be the best way to make it happen when it is supposed to happen... and maybe even sooner than we both would think.
I went from wanting to try again as soon as my cycle is back to normal, to never wanting to try again - and I constantly switch between the two in a matter of minutes.
I just went through our honeymoon pictures, and when I came to the days where I took the pregnancy test, and the few days after when everything seemed still alright, I relived the whole range of emotions that I went through when the reality of this pregnancy settled in... how special it all was, and how wonderful my husband reacted and treated me, his pregnant wife. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming, I almost went down on my knees in agony. Yet at the same time I feel like I am "over it", and I am looking ahead. I am tackling the things I wanted to tackle before I knew I was pregnant, and we are meeting Bud tomorrow for coffee - here at home. I am not sure what to expect, since he now has a girlfriend and a few months ago told us he would not cheat on her, but today on the phone he sounded a bit more ambiguous. Either way, meeting him will be a reminder of the lifestyle we have chosen, and I am excited to get myself back on track, and my head out of the mud.
We are even thinking about going back to the swingers club on the weekend.
Distraction. This works best for me right now. It's not like I am banning my grief out of my brain, but right now I find that the more people I surround myself with, the better I feel. People keep my mind busy, they keep my occupied, they draw my mind away from dwelling in darkness. Right now I feel that if I get back to my life as it was before the wedding preps and everything that followed interrupted it, it will be best. We will live on, just live our lifes... and not worry or stress about another baby right now. I think this will be the best way to make it happen when it is supposed to happen... and maybe even sooner than we both would think.
