If you know me then you know that one of my biggest problems is to stick with things. I get easily exicted over just about anything, am fully determined to "this time really do it", and after a while all my good intentions drift away into oblivion. How long this process takes is depening on the activity, and can range from a few hours, to a few days to a few years even, and everything inbetween. When I think back on my life I cannot really think of anything that has permanently stuck with me and my lifestyle. So I used to play pro volleyball. I used to play guitar. I used to play bass. I used to be Catholic. I used to study biology. I used to be in a band. I used to be outdoorsy. I dunno. You get the picture, I assume?

In all these things (with the exception of my indoctrinated early religion) I had aspirations to become a "pro", to "make it", to "make people think of my name when they hear about the Nobel Prize". I was all into it to the point of annoying my fellows around me, until my interest suddenly faded and eventually vanished.

Yesterday was meditation class at the temple again. In the morning I was still excited about it, looking forward to all the new things I would learn, and all the relaxation and elation I would experience again. Then I went to work. And an avalanche of chores crushed down on me and chained me to my desk for a good amount of overtime. By the time I could leave, I would have probably been a bit too late to the meditation class, and there are few things I hate more than being late for anything. Plus, you know... it costs money anyways, and it is too cold to travel through the entire city right now, and by the time I will be out and on my way home it will be even colder, not to mention how late it will be when I'll be home, and I have to get up early in the morning...

Fascinating. Fascinating how easily I fall back into these patterns of abandoning things I enjoy for shady reasons - and fascinating that I am actually catching myself doing it.

So I turned off all these tiny voices with their dubious reasonings, and went out into the cold, heading for the temple afterall. There were more people than last time, but one of the more experienced students and the teacher recognized me right away and welcomed me warmly. That fact alone lifted my spirits. During instruction I had a hard time focusing. I could not dissipate myself into the breathing exercise the way I could last time, and I did not understand much of what I was being told. There was a myriad of new things, alien things - did you know that Buddhists pray?

Well, I did not, and I was very bewildered by that yellow paper with the prayer text on it on the seats and tables - it reminded me muchly of going to church, with their prayer books and brochures distributed on all benches. I read the prayer for myself, and I understood nothing of it. I was very confused, but then Gen Demo looked into the group and asked if anybody here had a problem with prayer.

It was a very quiet group, and I am not one to draw all attention on me by being the only one to speak out either, but my crooked smirk must have been obvious enough, for Gen Demo smiled at me and asked me to explain. So I did. She listened and gave me a friendly nod, then gave a very sense-making explanation of Buddhist prayer - and said that a lot of people that come from a Catholic/Christian background do not understand the concept of it, and therefore have a hard time accepting it for what it is, and will show a lot of natural resistance. Again I felt like she was talking to me directly, because the word "prayer" alone is enough to make my skin crawl and my body cringe, and everything inside me squirm and resist. To me, without wanting to offend any of my Christian friends, there are few things more pointless and stupid than prayers in the traditional sense. I could never fathom the idea of such a huge and omnipotent being that the Christian god is supposed to be to listen to whatever I would have to say, much less grant me any wishes just because I ask. The simple fact of the world being the fucked up place that it is grants my assumptions some heavy leverage. Hey... I am sure a lot of good folk ask their god daily for world peace - sure, he totally listens and totally does what you ask him for... uh-huh. Just like the little kid with the ant farm would care about the fate of the individual.

Okay... I didn't explain it in so many words, but Gen Demo seemed to understand exactly what I was trying to say. She gave me an explanation of the Buddhist prayer that - once I will have really understood its implications and will have gotten used to the thought of a "prayer" not being an imagined conversation and plea to an imagined higher being - I think I can live with, and maybe even use myself. Basically, if I understood it right, a prayer is a chant meant to allow a passage of blessings and inspirations to enter you, an accumulation of positive energy, in other words. Prayer is used to prepare for meditation, and after meditation to dedicate your efforts and experiences to the enlightened beings. No Gods, no pleas, but a simple drawing of positive energy from your surroudings, an opening of energy channels.

Gen Demo then said to just sit and listen, let feelings happen even if we do not understand. Then she began to sing the prayer, and I listened, and I imagined, and it really was beautiful. Peaceful. Positive. During the following mediation I really held on to the wish of wanting to learn, and the positive feeling that came with it. As she said... it will be really hard to keep on coming back, if we do not really manifest that wish within us through meditation.

Afterwards her student asked me if it was hard for me to come back today. I was startled. How did she know that I had doubts? How did she know that I am a quitter? She just smiled and said that everything takes consequence to achieve something, and not to be discouraged, if this time I didn't feel the same as I did last time. Everything takes patience, she said, and patience is what I have to learn.

It just seems to me that these people know everything that's torturing my mind. Not because they can read it, but because they understand that everybody goes through similar things, even if we do not talk about them much. It makes me feel secure with my insecurities, and like I have a place where having insecurities is okay, because we all have them, and it is our common goal to leave them behind and move on to something better, a clear spirit and mind that is not weighed down by negativity. Nobody judges, we just focus on the good things. This concept draws me to them, and will make me go back next week for sure.

I shared my way home with a lady I met there, who happened to live just down a block from where I live. I almost laughed out loud with the irony of it all, when she said to me that she is a psychotherapist. So here I am in my current and desperate state of mind, deciding between spirituality and psychotherapy, eventually go with spirituality, and through it I meet a psychotherapist who tells me that she works a lot with depression...

Well, it was NOT the latter.

Was I expecting to spend an evening sitting inside a temple filled with incents and weird people with shaved heads in togas chanting "ommmm" while sitting in the lotus position, and barely being able to contain my laughter at the ridiculousness and cheesiness of it all - well, internet, I was heavily disappointed.

At this point I find it really hard to put into words what I have experienced yesterday, but one thing for certain is that it exceeded my expectations or imaginations by far. Sure at first it felt weird entering a buddhist temple... alien, that is. For someone who has grown up in a culture shaped and heavily influenced by Catholicism it is certainly something else to take an active step into something so alien for our Western perception, and I wasn't sure what to expect, or what to think, even. One of the things that happened right away while I was waiting for the meditation to begin was something that hit me extremely by surprise, and made me giggle a bit inside: despite my not believing in Catholicism and the institution that is church and my claimed atheism, my early childhood indoctrination apparently still was enough to make me feel a slight and extremely short pang of bad conscience: am I cheating on God? Will I be punished for this? I was so taken aback by this thought which, by the way, dissipated in thin air just as quickly as it entered my brain, that it physically startled me, and almost made me laugh out loud. This was as uncharacteristic for me as it was to be inside a Buddhist temple, and I just took it as part of the ride that was awaiting me.

I looked around me, and let the atmosphere of the place sink in. Buddha statues sitting everywhere, images of all kinds of enlightened beings hung on the walls, candles were burning, flower arrangements decorated the bare walls and red carpeted shelves, a golden frame with a portrait of the founder of this center on something I would call an altar of some sort. Very bright, very colorful, very un-threatening - much unlike many churches I have been to.

Then Kelsang Demo entered the room, a Buddhist nun, ordained 9 years ago. In the audience were only four people, The Fiancé and I included. I shifted on my seat uncomfortably, prepared to bite my tongue the way I do when people around me pray at the dinner table, and I do not want to respectlessly disrupt the prayer session by giggling out loud or grinning like an idiot at the funniness of it all - an effective means that has helped me out so many times before. But then she started to speak. She spoke of our stressed minds, and where stress comes from, and what we can do about it. She spoke, and with every word she used to describe what's going on in stressed peoples' minds, I felt like she was talking to me directly, as if she had opened up my head and read my brain directly, word for word. I was startled - how does she know me and what I am feeling so well? How can she describe what's happening inside my head beyond my control better than I could have put it in my own words?

I guess that's really when she had me hooked, almost instantly, and much to my surprise. She emananted such calmness, such contentment, such balance within herself, and what she said described me and most of my problems so very much to the dot, that in a matter of a couple of minutes I suddenly realized that I was hanging on to her every word, staring at her mouth, willing it to say more, to not ever stop talking. The first breathing exercise was an experience, something I have never before felt in my life. Maybe that is because I have never even tried to meditate before, but it was more effective than any amount of relaxing shoulder massages or deep sleep could ever be. For the first time in my life my head was empty. I thought of nothing. I felt my breathing, I envisioned the healing white light she asked us to breathe in, and I saw clouds of dark, black smoke leaving my nostrils everytime I exhaled. I forgot about work, I forgot about all the things I am responsible for, all the obstacles in my way, even The Fiancé sitting right next to me. In a matter of mere minutes I was alone in the entire universe, with nothing but a soft, soothing voice to guide me. It was something I have never felt before, something I have never allowed my brain to do before: not to think, just to be.

I woke from this breathing exercise as if from a trance. Refreshed, relaxed, and with my spirit feeling free and light and soaring to the sky with unexplainable joy. And yes, that was the point where she really had me hooked. The lecture that followed... if you can even call it that... to me was an ongoing urge of "please don't stop talking" and "please tell me more". What I barely dared to hope did really happen: the dry sponge that my spirit has become started to soak up her every word, expanded, felt oh so smooth and tended to.

Repeating what she said here would be a pointless exercise, but I can tell you that I have rarely heard anything that just made so much sense and was so deep at the same time. Not to say that I understood everything she said. Far from it, actually. But what I did understand left a deep impression on me, was food for thought that will keep me busy for a long while. When we left I had the feeling that I had really accomplished something, that I have found a way to ease the pains that are ailing me, and I have rarely ever regretted for a lecture to end as I did yesterday, when she stopped speaking.

Was this is a lecture? A sermon? A mixture of both? Advice from a good friend who knows what you are going through? I am not sure. I talked with the other two that attended after the hour was over, and I found them both to be approachable and nice people that were not judgemental in any way. We sat for about another half hour talking, and it turns out that both of them came from a Catholic background as well and were searching for something else... just like I am. I felt accepted and understood, so unexpectedly, in such a weird environment of all places.

Certainly I will not be able to afford to attend any of the more complex courses that are offered. As with everything, also Buddhist knowledge comes at a price, which at this point in time I have no way to be able to afford. I will, however, keep on attending these Wednesday evening classes which are a lot closer to my price range - attending still isn't exactly cheap, but considering that other people spend up to 4 times that amount in harmful and expensive addictions like cigarettes without thinking twice about it, I believe that training and expanding my mind in such a positive way like that is certainly worth the price. And if anything it certainly is only a fraction of what I would have to pay, would I have decided for psychotherapy instead...

What I really enjoy more than most things in my current life, is the shocked and disgusted, or startled and bewildered look on peoples' faces while talking about genital piercings.

So you should have seen the look on my boss' face while he was just telling me a story out of the local news, where a doctor supposedly performed genital piercings on minors, and took pictures of their newly perforated genitals instead of charging them money for the procedure.

Certainly, there are many things wrong with and disgusting about this story, and they are right with charging this person for what he had done (they found an archive of a good 500 pictures in what can certainly be called pornographic manners in his house, which have nothing in common with the professional pictures a piercing artist would take of their work for their portfolios). The funny thing though was his face when he said the word "genital piercing", and the way his hand moved up to his forehead in a "and those kids wanted that - can you believe this???" sort of way while he said that, that showed just how alien and frightening of a concept this is to most people.

When that happens - and it has on some occasions already - I am sitting there, feigning honest indignation, saying exasperated things like "oh my!", and "can you imagine that...?", whilst cracking up horribly on the inside, making a sport out of not letting any sort of my amusement show on my face, truly having a grand ole' time.

Stuff like that makes me wonder if peoples' opinions about me would be influenced negatively in any way, would they know that a little shiny piece of metal is hiding away there in the panties of this good, responsible, and in no way negatively out of the norm girl.

Oh, how this makes me feel like a delicious little rebel...

And yes, I have been for a while. Years, that is. Only I have never realized that my active rebuttal of anything religion/spirituality related is actually now manifesting itself in something I could really call a "lack".

If anything, everything needs balance. And so this may explain why, even though I am not faring bad for myself at all lately, there is still this huge dissatisfaction within me, and depression, and impatience, and short temper with everything. Looking at my current life circumstances, there really is nothing I should complain about - other people have a lot less than what I am having right now and are much happier.

I am moving on the verge of tears almost constantly, I am depressed, people don't like being around me very much these days. I cannot blame them, really. The Fiancé told me last night during one of my bouts of hysteria that he thinks I am walking dangerously close along the edge of a full blown clinical nervous breakdown.

He's right - but if you ask me why, I couldn't exactly name you one REAL reason for this state of my mind. Something's out of whack, out of balance, it's like something is missing.

No, I do not believe in God. I've grown out of the concept of "God" a long time ago, when my indoctrinized beliefs started to collide with newly acquired and unquestionable scientific knowledge - in other words: me, a little faithful Catholic girl, went to University and studied biology for 4 years. Trust me when I say that by the end of my first year all bouts of religious thought were driven out of my head successfully, replaced by logic and rationale, and a mind of my own.

Many things have changed since then. I am no longer aspiring to be a biologist and the next recipient of the Nobel price. My priorities have shifted, and so have my interests. I am a different person now than I was then... yet my distaste with everything remotely esoteric has remained. I call myself an atheist... and that hasn't changed either.

But I do feel, like I said above, that something is missing. It's like my starved spirit is crying out for nourishment, and I, the neglective mother, am at a loss for what to do. What does a spirit eat? What does it need? What keeps it warm and cozy and comfortable? What makes a spirit happy? I am at a loss here... I have been for a while, all the while knowing that if I only found something spiritually fulfilling that goes along my lines of atheism and anti-religious-fanaticism, I would feel a lot better, a lot more balanced than I am right now.

This has caused me, over the last few months, to re-evaluate. Not my disbelief in a grander being that guides and protects and punishes and judges us, no. I still cannot have the concept of "God" coexist peacefully with my painfully and diligently acquired knowledge of the world as it is. God is not for me, and I doubt it'll ever be. God will not make my spirit happy, because "God" would mean to give up the whole construction that my view of the world is based on, and this is not going to happen. My knowledge and understanding of the world is too precious for me to throw it out the window, to accomodate to a concept as alien and irrational such as "God".

However... religion does not equal spirituality. I have been searching and looking around for answers, for nourishment for my spirit, for a glove that would fit me without having to compromise my principles and everything I stand for. The philosophies and practices of Wicca have fascinated me for a while... their coexistence with nature, their healthy approach to all things human, their tolerance, their being so at ease with themselves and others. Only the thought of exchanging one deity for several others made me turn away from this again before I even really tried to look into it more. Sure, the thought of a God and a Goddess as opposed to one omnipotent godly being that is generally perceived to be male and vengeful is more appealing - but it still does not go along with my atheism. At the same time, a certain interest in the practices of Buddhism has been sparked. By what, I do not know. Maybe on some subconscious level it still rang in my head what The Ex, a non-practicing Buddhist, once said to me: "There is no God in Buddhism, buddha is a concept, a state of mind. You do not worship gods, you only seek your personal enlightenment and try to be a good human being."

Why then, pray tell, is Buddhism then defined as one of the big world religions? Doesn't a religion involve some sort of deity per definition? Heck... you see I know nothing of it, really. I hear "Buddhism" and I think of rubbing bellies, and of incents and people dressed in weird robes. I am completely ignorant. The little reading I've been doing on the subject here and there has done nothing but to confuse me more - I mean: have you seen all these kinds of different instances of Buddhism there are out there? Which one, if any, is THE Buddhism, which one, if any, is a good "starter" Buddhism... and what's all the grinning and smiling all about?

Alas... there is only one way to cure ignorance - the only way I see right to go through life, period: learning, acquiring knowledge. And then it hit me - what a perfectly fitting glove! No gods to worship and grovel before, no religious sermons, no fanaticism, no terrorism in the name of buddha, and your way to enlightenment is acquiring and applying knowledge - as opposed to indoctrination and threats of eternal punishment, that for instants Catholics are so fond of.

Is this really worth a try? It sure is one thing to have a budding and shy interest in something that you have banned out of your life for such a very long time, but it certainly is another to take an actual step towards it. Today I have researched local Buddhism facilities, and have come across one that offers meditation workshops every Wednesday. Hey - today is Wednesday! So before I lost all my determination again I gathered my courage and typed an email to whoever was listed as contact person on their website, asking if anybody could join, and that HOLY SHIT I AM SCARED.

I got a really nice and reassuring email back in a matter of one hour, inviting me to come - and to bring nothing but an open mind. If I still had doubts over at least giving this a try, the tone of the short email blew it out the window.

You see... for me it really is between 2 things right now: either I go seek professional help soon, tell all my issues to a doctor whose only real interest in me is based on how much money he can make off my problems, and possibly be put on some medication - or try to find inner peace out of myself, find a way to find the strength to overcome all my issues by myself, and become a happier more content person through it - as opposed to a chemically induced happy person, with suicidal tendencies underneath all the medication.

Maybe Buddhism is the way. Maybe I am just full of shit and it is not. Maybe there will be a new side of me awakened through this approach, maybe I'll laugh my ass off at these delusional people with their silly robes and shaved heads. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But at any rate I shall be damned if I don't go to this workshop tonight, and at least have a look. Maybe - who knows - my spirit will soak everything up like a dry sponge, or maybe I will come back tomorrow and tell you, internet, about how ridiculous of an evening I just went through.

I seriously hope it won't be the latter.

Now that time has sufficiently put itself between me and my last little unpleasant experience, I had some opportunity to ponder the fact on why - while I had the chance and everything seemed to be alright - I haven't been more proactive, or excited about the whole thing.

Think about it. Here I am, for about a year doing nothing but whining and complaining and dreaming about the day I will finally have the chance to be with a girl. Then, out of the blue, there it is, and all I am doing is feeling uncomfortable, and trying to get out of it, holding on to The Fiancé like a drowning person for physical assurance.

I know that would I have given Kim a bit more leeway I would have gotten laid for sure before the whole thing went down the shitter. So why so hesitant? She sure was not unattractive - no Jo for sure, but by all standards not ugly. Her lard-ass boyfriend? He sure was a convenient enough excuse that sounded reasonable, but how much had he really to do with my unwillingness to take my chance when I had it? And finally, the huge cold sore I had for 50% of our 2-week aqcuaintance? As far as I was concerned it couldn't have come at a better time, for it saved me from trying to get out of making out with her and coming up with excuses for it.

Since then, in the privacy of our home, The Fiancé has dropped several comments about me being with a woman, or imagine if... in order to turn me on with the thought, as he did so many times before. Only now, the second he did that, all my mood went down the drain instantly, and an unwillingness spread within me that made me squirm, and had me focus really hard on getting back "into" what I was doing with The Fiancé at the time. I do not think about being with a woman anymore, much less fantasize about it.

This is really strange behavior for me. Was I wrong, am I straight after all? Is this whole blog completely pointless, because I thought I was what I am not? Did it have to come to not taking the only real chance I ever had for me to find out that this is all bullshit and I am really as normal as anybody else out there with their husbands and boyfriends and orderly emotions?

Right now, as I don't have the definite answer, the assumption is valid. However, what I think it really boils down to is the simple fact that YES, I am a bisexual, inexperienced as they come but very sure about her identity, but GODDAMN, I am also a woman who is madly in love with a man, and I do mean madly, and as such it just simply didn't feel right to even do as innocent a thing as to hold hands with somebody else - even if it was allowed and sanctioned by and in plain view of this man.

Is this, maybe, what I have learned out of this experience? That I do not necessarily need the experience in order to feel a complete bisexual, and that casual, meaningless physical contact has absolutely no fascination for me, even if it's with a woman, simply because the only person that I REALLY want to be touched and caressed and kissed by is the man I am going to get married to next year?

It's not that I want to be touched by him because he's a man and I was reluctant to get physical with her because she was a woman. Would she have been another man, I would have reacted the same way. Would The Fiancé be a woman and I were about to be with another man or woman, I would have reacted the same way.

Bisexuality is a beautiful thing, for one truly gets the best out of both worlds. One does not limit one's emotional or physical pleasure to gender, but to personalities and hearts. Me? I feel blessed that I can appreciate and feel drawn to and be aroused by people out there, humans, not genders. It makes me feel like I am the richer individual, for all of my openness to everything and everybody out there, and I feel like I am beyond the boundaries that pure straight or pure gay people are subject to. Does it need actual physical experience to feel truly belonging? Maybe. Maybe not. For lack of such, I cannot say. But what I can say for sure is that right now, at this point in time, my heart is fully satisfied, by a person that happens to be a man, a person that I love with a passion unequalled by anything I have ever felt before, and this love and passion makes me unreceptive for the pleasures of any other person - even if it is the so desired touch of a woman.

So I am glad... for this experience has so effectively taught me the true scale and boundaries of my own love for The Fiancé, and finally I feel this restlessness dropping off my shoulders, that came from not knowing, and so desperately wanting to know.