Saturday, October 21, 2006
Torture you...
Oh, the temptation. Oh, the twinkle in your eyes. Oh, how you wanted us. Of course... no pressure. You are the one with the girlfriend. Of course you are also the one with the deal that you can be with others if you want to, just as you allow her to. Hey... it's up to you. We ain't gonna allow bad karma to rack up by seducing you into cheating on your girlfriend... but if you have such a deal... we are free to flirt you and tease you into the ground without feeling bad, yes?
Either way... I know you wanted us. I know you were *this* close to making your move. I know that if you wouldn't have left when you did, you would have done more than just grope my boob and sit on his lap in a matter of minutes.
No pressure, Bud. We understand. We're here. Can't help it that we're hot. ;)
Either way... I know you wanted us. I know you were *this* close to making your move. I know that if you wouldn't have left when you did, you would have done more than just grope my boob and sit on his lap in a matter of minutes.
No pressure, Bud. We understand. We're here. Can't help it that we're hot. ;)
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Moving on...
It's been a week and a day since my doctor confirmed my miscarriage. In this time I went from extreme grief, to anger, to guilt, to depression, to feeling sorry for myself, to writing it off as "nothing, really", to actually being glad because "I can go on with my life as before without having to give up on anything", to not even wanting to get out of bed in the morning, because I thought I couldn't deal with the loss at all.
I went from wanting to try again as soon as my cycle is back to normal, to never wanting to try again - and I constantly switch between the two in a matter of minutes.
I just went through our honeymoon pictures, and when I came to the days where I took the pregnancy test, and the few days after when everything seemed still alright, I relived the whole range of emotions that I went through when the reality of this pregnancy settled in... how special it all was, and how wonderful my husband reacted and treated me, his pregnant wife. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming, I almost went down on my knees in agony. Yet at the same time I feel like I am "over it", and I am looking ahead. I am tackling the things I wanted to tackle before I knew I was pregnant, and we are meeting Bud tomorrow for coffee - here at home. I am not sure what to expect, since he now has a girlfriend and a few months ago told us he would not cheat on her, but today on the phone he sounded a bit more ambiguous. Either way, meeting him will be a reminder of the lifestyle we have chosen, and I am excited to get myself back on track, and my head out of the mud.
We are even thinking about going back to the swingers club on the weekend.
Distraction. This works best for me right now. It's not like I am banning my grief out of my brain, but right now I find that the more people I surround myself with, the better I feel. People keep my mind busy, they keep my occupied, they draw my mind away from dwelling in darkness. Right now I feel that if I get back to my life as it was before the wedding preps and everything that followed interrupted it, it will be best. We will live on, just live our lifes... and not worry or stress about another baby right now. I think this will be the best way to make it happen when it is supposed to happen... and maybe even sooner than we both would think.
I went from wanting to try again as soon as my cycle is back to normal, to never wanting to try again - and I constantly switch between the two in a matter of minutes.
I just went through our honeymoon pictures, and when I came to the days where I took the pregnancy test, and the few days after when everything seemed still alright, I relived the whole range of emotions that I went through when the reality of this pregnancy settled in... how special it all was, and how wonderful my husband reacted and treated me, his pregnant wife. The feeling of loss was so overwhelming, I almost went down on my knees in agony. Yet at the same time I feel like I am "over it", and I am looking ahead. I am tackling the things I wanted to tackle before I knew I was pregnant, and we are meeting Bud tomorrow for coffee - here at home. I am not sure what to expect, since he now has a girlfriend and a few months ago told us he would not cheat on her, but today on the phone he sounded a bit more ambiguous. Either way, meeting him will be a reminder of the lifestyle we have chosen, and I am excited to get myself back on track, and my head out of the mud.
We are even thinking about going back to the swingers club on the weekend.
Distraction. This works best for me right now. It's not like I am banning my grief out of my brain, but right now I find that the more people I surround myself with, the better I feel. People keep my mind busy, they keep my occupied, they draw my mind away from dwelling in darkness. Right now I feel that if I get back to my life as it was before the wedding preps and everything that followed interrupted it, it will be best. We will live on, just live our lifes... and not worry or stress about another baby right now. I think this will be the best way to make it happen when it is supposed to happen... and maybe even sooner than we both would think.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Coping
When you lose a baby, suddenly people are nice to you. They don't know what to say, granted, but they try to make for their lack of comforting words by comforting actions. I got a box full of hand-picked chocolates of all my favorite flavors, I got a week off of work to deal with the loss on an emotional level, I got a free home-brewed psychotherapy session, I got more phone calls than I would get in a whole month, and reassurances about the health of my "next baby" that'd almost made me feel as if I was pregnant again already and about to pop the next Mr. Universe, I was not allowed to carry heavy stuff (or just about anything at all), and I was given the seat wherever there was a seat available. Not to mention the hugs. Oh, the hugs. And phone-condolences.
And the awkward attempts at making me feel better. Those were the best. My best friend? Tried to make me a bit less sad by telling me with all the best intentions that I didn't really lose a baby, but rather just a bunch of cells. "Don't even tell yourself that you lost a BABY. It was just a heap of cells, m'kay?" Yeah, m'kay. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Nevermind. Why is it, that an embryo in the sixth week of pregnancy apparently is not a valid enough reason to feel all this sadness and grief? Why does it feel like it is somehow inappropriate to mourn for my lost baby, just because I really wasn't far along at all? How far along is far enough to justify feeling the way I do? Why do I almost have to feel guilty, because apparently my depression and devastation over this loss somehow negatively influence me and my potential future pregnancy?
Did I need to have seen my baby on an ultrasound to make it real? Did I need to have heard its heartbeat to be able to call it a LIFE? Did I need to have felt it kick me in order to fall in love with it? Or did I need to have a stillbirth in order to justify all these tears I have cried?
We have lost our child. It has left us far before we could really get used to its reality, and way before we could even find out if it was a son or a daughter - but it was our child nonetheless. A child that we both wanted very much. Let me mourn it, and let me mourn it for as long as it takes. I'll be alright, but I'll be alright on my own terms. Don't tell me how I am supposed to be feeling, or how I am not supposed to be feeling. Just let me cope with this, before I can look positively into the future.
And the awkward attempts at making me feel better. Those were the best. My best friend? Tried to make me a bit less sad by telling me with all the best intentions that I didn't really lose a baby, but rather just a bunch of cells. "Don't even tell yourself that you lost a BABY. It was just a heap of cells, m'kay?" Yeah, m'kay. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Nevermind. Why is it, that an embryo in the sixth week of pregnancy apparently is not a valid enough reason to feel all this sadness and grief? Why does it feel like it is somehow inappropriate to mourn for my lost baby, just because I really wasn't far along at all? How far along is far enough to justify feeling the way I do? Why do I almost have to feel guilty, because apparently my depression and devastation over this loss somehow negatively influence me and my potential future pregnancy?
Did I need to have seen my baby on an ultrasound to make it real? Did I need to have heard its heartbeat to be able to call it a LIFE? Did I need to have felt it kick me in order to fall in love with it? Or did I need to have a stillbirth in order to justify all these tears I have cried?
We have lost our child. It has left us far before we could really get used to its reality, and way before we could even find out if it was a son or a daughter - but it was our child nonetheless. A child that we both wanted very much. Let me mourn it, and let me mourn it for as long as it takes. I'll be alright, but I'll be alright on my own terms. Don't tell me how I am supposed to be feeling, or how I am not supposed to be feeling. Just let me cope with this, before I can look positively into the future.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I had you, my love...
I had you, my dear love, for a very short time... I couldn't see you, I couldn't feel you, my love, but you were there... and I loved you right away... we both did. Loved you so much, the idea of you, our future with you, your tiny reality growing inside of me. We wanted you so much, we were thrilled that you were there.
My love, we would have done anything for you.
Tomorrow, when they anaesthetize me to scrape your remains out of me, maybe... maybe I can be with your little soul for a little while. Get to know you in the lands far off all consciousness. Maybe you'll wait for me there...? Let me hold you just once?
Thank you, my love, for being with me, even if it was just a little while. A little while, in which you made me a Mom... your Mom, my baby... you were my biggest gift in life.
You'll always live in my heart, my love.
I love you,
Mom.
My love, we would have done anything for you.
Tomorrow, when they anaesthetize me to scrape your remains out of me, maybe... maybe I can be with your little soul for a little while. Get to know you in the lands far off all consciousness. Maybe you'll wait for me there...? Let me hold you just once?
Thank you, my love, for being with me, even if it was just a little while. A little while, in which you made me a Mom... your Mom, my baby... you were my biggest gift in life.
You'll always live in my heart, my love.
I love you,
Mom.
