As the title implies... I have been feeling a bit out of it of sorts lately. Maybe it has to do with the crazy week I had to pull at the office, working almost 60 hrs. instead of 40, while having to prepare for the show we were playing last Friday, and getting some private client work done.

Things culminated, when last night the client knocked on our door (per appointment) and I was merrily lounging away on the couch to a movie with The Fiancé, unshowered and unprepared, having completely forgotten about this and having had nothing to show her. How very embarrassing. And no, I will not use the crazy Friday night I had, after which I hit the pillow at pretty much exactly 6AM, as an excuse for anything. Such things are unexcusable - even if I have been running on espresso and sleep-deprivation-induced adrenaline-levels for the past days.

And my body is thanking me for the manhandling by setting my immune system to standby, allowing a nasty cold to take hold as punishment. And just to make this even nastier: it's present enough to make me feel like complete SHIT with my head the size of a watermelon and my throat on hell-fire, but just not present enough to justify a day of sick-leave. Would this be any worse, at least I wouldn't have to sit here staring into the screen, but could lay at home wrapped up in my blankets, sipping hot tea, and catch up on sleep. Who cares if I am sick, if I can SLEEP. But no... none of that. Pure torture, today.

Anyway... Friday's show was great. I actually had some major jitters before we went on, kind of like I had never in my life played on stage before. I guess I was nervous because I felt unsure about playing for a bunch of my countrypeople, and I felt very unsure about being on stage without Roomie#R. We didn't have a singer, so Mr. E had to double function as drummer and singer, and we all know that that's risky business period. I didn't know these Latin Rock cover songs too well, and that added to my insecurity as well. The night before I got into a shouting match with the guitarist - and he felt alien and strange to me, when I looked to my left and saw him standing there, and not Roomie#R. I wonder if that's how he must have felt when they went to play in Mexico without me, but that's just a side note.

But I guess being on stage is like riding a bicycle: once you know how to do it, you won't ever forget anymore. Once I was on there my jitters were gone... I felt Mr. E's familiar presence in my back, and didn't care so much for the guitarist's performance, or that he was even there. To me, he was more of a footnote... and in my mind it was Roomie#R there, playing with us. I felt really excited over playing, and I was exhilarated that one of my very best friends bothered to show up, after all this talk of my old band that he had to endure for the past 2 years. Now he actually saw me on stage, and I wanted to excel - cause it's this "new" definition of myself that my home-based friends don't know yet. I took strange pleasure in his bewildered look when he saw me in my stage outfit and make-up, and his comment on how different and "weird" I looked. I realized that this is a side of me that nobody here knows yet, and has never seen before, or could even imagine. It's the side I want to enforce though, because it's the side that I learned to define a lot of my self-confidence over, and my attitude as a woman. I like the reaction of people when they hear/see a female bass player, and I like to use this to my advantage, to make myself seem much more interesting and mysterious than I am in reality. So you can imagine that I was especially pleased when I noticed how my friend's eyes were practically glued to me throughout the entire time - and what a weird experience it must have been for him after knowing my as ordinary goody-two-shoes-girly for 26 years.

Much to my pleasure, Girl.MD showed up as well. She moved an appointment she had for Friday night in favor of our show, and showed up by her lonesome to come see me play. We didn't get to talk much because before the show I was too focused on myself, and after the show she had to take off right away to perform surgery the next day, but I saw her watching me intently the entire time as well - or, as The Fiancé called it later: she was checking me out all the damn time. Two days later she called me and left me a message, containing a compliment on my performance and greetings to The Fiancé... and I emailed her a picture of the two of us together today.

Which brings me to my next point: my ambivalence towards her. What is going on...? Here I am, having a tall and smart woman practically lusting after me, making a point out of seeing me and getting in touch over and over again, and I am reluctant to take things anywhere. True - she is not exactly my type, but she is by no means ugly, either. She is a bit tomboyish, and I like 'em completely on the feminine side, but she is very pleasant and interesting. And, most importantly, SHE IS INTERESTED IN ME! She wants me, I know that she does, so I don't quite understand my reaction towards her. I don't want to accept the mere possibility that I do not want her close because she is visually about as far away from Jo as any woman could be, and I don't want to accept the thought that I may be getting cold feet when faced with an actual opportunity either. I have been very comfortable with men lately, and I have been enjoying The Fiancé's re-explorations of his bisexuality to the fullest extent. I have had so much great and fulfilling sex with and without Bud lately, that it seems like there isn't even enough room in my head anymore to embark on a new adventure - even if it is one I have been aching to embark on for years. The Fiancé seems to be oozing sex lately, no matter what he says or does, and he fulfills me so completely, that there isn't even room for fantasies of including somebody else into our play.

Or maybe that's all just excuses because I am scared shitless at the thought of taking that final frontier at last.

Let's be honest here, lol. :)

At least I am getting those same vibes from her as well. She's in the exact same situation as I am... and it shows. She isn't pushy, she isn't obvious... she just seems immensely curious yet nervous and shy. It's good circumstances to start with. If I can ever get over myself and open up to her attempts at making closer contact, that is.