Tuesday, May 30, 2006
To One in Paradise
Thou wast that all to me, love,
For which my soul did pine--
A green isle in the sea, love,
A fountain and a shrine,
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers
And all the flowers were mine.
Ah, dream too bright to last!
Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise
But to be overcast!
A voice from out the Future cries,
On! on!-- but o'er the Past
(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies
Mute, motionless, aghast!
For, alas! alas! with me
The light of Life is o'er!
'No more-- no more-- no more--'
(Such language holds the solemn sea
To the sands upon the shore)
Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree
Or the stricken eagle soar!
And all my days are trances
And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy dark eye glances
And where thy footstep gleams--
In what ethereal dances,
By what eternal streams.
Such words... beautiful poetry. Edgar Allan Poe, one of the greatest poets.
Am I deserving of such words? Am I worthy of being sent poetry like that dedicated to me, to be put on such a pedestal?
No... they were not sent to me by The Fiancé, or Bud. They were sent to me by someone who has an alias on this here blog... someone who has confessed something to me quite recently that is very hard to deal with for me now, and who, before Poe and after this confession, has sent me many emails even more beautiful than this poem... because they came from the bottom of his heart, were composed of pure passion and emotion.
How to deal with this... how to deal with such knowledge, that changes my perspective on many things in the past, and my view of this man so drastically. To realize that there were feelings where I never would have thought to suspect them, to realize what it must have taken out of him to keep them hidden from me and everybody else for the greater good of all, to realize what pain I have caused without ever knowing that I did.
Things that I got so angry about, things that I was mad at him for, behavior that I didn't understand and accused him of... it's all explained now, and I now find myself to be the unsuspecting core of it all. The reason behind so much passion and emotion and destructive behavior as an only outlet for what he must have been feeling. The respect with which he regarded my relationship, the devotion with which he gave me advice on how to get through problems with The Fiancé whenever I needed it. Never an attempt to push himself inbetween, never the slightest hint of anything - not with a word, not with a glance - even when he had the chance to, in all this time we spent alone together and he had opportunities to.
He left me completely unaware, knowing that it was the right thing to do.
And now this revelation had hit me like a freight train, explains so much, changes so much on my view of things, saddens me over the friendship that is now lost to me in the shape and form that I always thought it to be, and scares me because I know I can never see him again and have things to be the way they were before: so comfortable, and familiar, and without male-female tension and awkwardness. And it makes me wonder if I will ever see him again at all, for I do not want to cause him any more pain than I already have without knowing that I did.
I love him like I would a brother, I have a very strong connection with him and I shared something very special with him... I always felt closer to him than to others, and I was free to open up around him and be all ME, because I never considered myself part of his "target demographic" and felt safe around him... so this revelation weighs heavily on me. I love his emails, I thrive on his beautiful words and his passion that he himself calls "beyond physical, but electric". Yet, every email boggles my mind so completely, for the sheer incredibility of such a huge thing happening right beneath my eyes without me noticing anything, from someone I would have never considered attracted to me in any way...
Passion... it comes in many shapes and forms... and it can be really scary sometimes. The thought of being put on such a pedestal by someone gives me butterflies in my stomach... though I am aware that I do not deserve such high regard, and at the same time it pains me to think that I could have been the reason for such turmoil and agony in another human being. I am sorry for having caused all of this... and I am sorry that I cannot give anything in return, or can make him feel better about it. All I have to give is my friendship, as I had before... and maybe the consolation that his words are like wind beneath my sails in certain aspects of my life which I thought were lost entirely. He is reassurance in these parts of my life.
I miss him like crazy. And I wish I would have known sooner. It wouldn't have changed anything... but he wouldn't have had to live with it secretly for so long, being eaten up by it inside, thinking it was distateful and wrong to feel so much passion.
Feeling such beautiful things is never wrong, even if this passion has to remain unfulfilled. Passion is the source and inspiration for many artists, and an artist he truly is.
