Tuesday, April 11, 2006
to distract myself...
In an attempt to distract myself of today's episode of drama, let me get back to talking about Bud. Well, writing, that is. Writing is therapeutical for me, getting it out there is helping me sort my thoughts and expectations. And, after all, it is still bisexuality related, what does it matter if it's not about mine but The Fiancé's? Overall it's a development phase into a lifestyle that we both find appealing, and as such it is true to this blog's overall theme: coming to terms and coming out.
As a matter of fact I am growing bolder and bolder when it comes to talking about what we do, even knowing that I do shock and/or disgust people with it. Case in point: I told my best friend K tonight about our acquaintance with Bud, and where it's headed. She asked me if I was intent on turning this into a "lifestyle" as opposed to a "one-time-experience", and the other end of the connection was silent for a bit when I affirmed this. I think any kind of alternative living and way of looking at things that are taboo fpr most others is shocking and fascinating to them at the same time, for even though I could hear how disgusted she was at my "promiscuity", she also could not stop herself from asking me questions about it. I do have to say that I enjoy the "shock" factor to a certain degree, but I do have reservations about letting most people I know into what we are doing. My family... most friends... and it's a fun thought to envision our wedding in a few months with Bug as a guest, and sharing in a little dirty secret that everybody else is completeley clueless about - but that's just a little thought at the side.
As far as our acquaintance goes... let me tell you that him and I are getting rather acquainted with each other - at least verbally speaking. Somehow yesterday's email conversation at work took a rather exciting turn, and the next thing I know he's talking about fantasies he's been having about us, and suggestions, and thoughts... getting me so incredibly horny that I had to literally rape my poor sick Fiancé by the time I came home from work, sharing with him all the naughty details. Yet, at the same time, there is more to these conversations, there is respectful mind-probing and gentle approaching, talk of dos and don'ts, experiences, fantasies and wishes. It's taking away a lot of my nervousness of our first "encounter", and what I like most about these emails is that in no way do I feel like there is something going on behind The Fiancé's back, like Bud is just trying to get at me and hit at me and try to bypass my partner. On the contrary, all his thoughts include The Fiancé as well, and on more than one occasion has he mentioned the respect he has for us as a union, and how he will hold himself in the background, so as to not "break into" anything and cause problems.
From his writing and from what we have seen in him IRL so far, I dare to hope that our sex will be fun and experimental and free of pressures or performance issues, or any sort of awkward technicalities the way our experience was like with Steven. I also dare to hope that we will develop a good friendship beyond the bedroom, because we do get along nicely and seem to be on very much the same wavelength in many regards. I hope for nothing more than an uncomplicated fun friendship outside the normalcy of society. And so far it seems like Bud is quite exactly what we've been looking for in this regard...
As a matter of fact I am growing bolder and bolder when it comes to talking about what we do, even knowing that I do shock and/or disgust people with it. Case in point: I told my best friend K tonight about our acquaintance with Bud, and where it's headed. She asked me if I was intent on turning this into a "lifestyle" as opposed to a "one-time-experience", and the other end of the connection was silent for a bit when I affirmed this. I think any kind of alternative living and way of looking at things that are taboo fpr most others is shocking and fascinating to them at the same time, for even though I could hear how disgusted she was at my "promiscuity", she also could not stop herself from asking me questions about it. I do have to say that I enjoy the "shock" factor to a certain degree, but I do have reservations about letting most people I know into what we are doing. My family... most friends... and it's a fun thought to envision our wedding in a few months with Bug as a guest, and sharing in a little dirty secret that everybody else is completeley clueless about - but that's just a little thought at the side.
As far as our acquaintance goes... let me tell you that him and I are getting rather acquainted with each other - at least verbally speaking. Somehow yesterday's email conversation at work took a rather exciting turn, and the next thing I know he's talking about fantasies he's been having about us, and suggestions, and thoughts... getting me so incredibly horny that I had to literally rape my poor sick Fiancé by the time I came home from work, sharing with him all the naughty details. Yet, at the same time, there is more to these conversations, there is respectful mind-probing and gentle approaching, talk of dos and don'ts, experiences, fantasies and wishes. It's taking away a lot of my nervousness of our first "encounter", and what I like most about these emails is that in no way do I feel like there is something going on behind The Fiancé's back, like Bud is just trying to get at me and hit at me and try to bypass my partner. On the contrary, all his thoughts include The Fiancé as well, and on more than one occasion has he mentioned the respect he has for us as a union, and how he will hold himself in the background, so as to not "break into" anything and cause problems.
From his writing and from what we have seen in him IRL so far, I dare to hope that our sex will be fun and experimental and free of pressures or performance issues, or any sort of awkward technicalities the way our experience was like with Steven. I also dare to hope that we will develop a good friendship beyond the bedroom, because we do get along nicely and seem to be on very much the same wavelength in many regards. I hope for nothing more than an uncomplicated fun friendship outside the normalcy of society. And so far it seems like Bud is quite exactly what we've been looking for in this regard...
