Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Terminated Possibilities
The worst part was the humiliation. It was facing that doctor and letting him tell me about the proper way of contraception, as if I wouldn't know it. It was having to endure his looking at me with this expression when I told him why hormonal contraception was not for me, and why I stopped taking it for my own mental sanity. It was having seen our conscious and thought-through decision to not use hormones anymore stomped to the ground with a look and a lecture that a 14-year-old who's new to sex should hear. It was this being treated as a reckless lunatic lacking all responsibility. That, and them having made me wait in the hospital for 2 hours, when I was the first one in before all those other women that were called before me, for the writing of a prescription that took no longer than 3 minutes.
It was having been made felt like a criminal and disregarded as yet another one of those thoughtless and irresponsible women that regard the morning after pill as yet another method of contraception instead of the emergency tool it really is.
Nobody took into consideration that what had happened can happen to the most responsible people that rely on condoms, nobody asked if I had ever taken this pill before, nobody offered me any help regarding alternatives. Nobody cared that I was, in fact, engaged to be married, and very willing to have children - and it is that wish that made me go to the hospital this morning: to be responsible, to do what's right, to not recklessly risk bringing a child into this world that I will at this point be incapable to care properly for.
Nobody cared that, in fact, this feels like an abortion to me - despite the fact that a few hours after the accident I am not even pregnant yet, and despite the fact that I don't even KNOW if his seed really would have taken root inside me at this time, or not.
For all of The Fiancé's reassuring me that it's the right thing, I feel like I am killing off potential before it even got its chance to grow. I feel like I am messing with what's "supposed to be", and that I am not living by my own credo of "be responsible and accept the consequences of your actions". I did not ask for this accident, I did not hope for it, I certainly did not want to become pregnant before we both feel that the time is right for it... but at the same time I always preached that if anything should happen, I ought to accept the consequences and deal with it. And now I am not. There is a morning after pill waiting for me to swallow it at home... and the more I think about it and the potential possibilities happening inside my body as I type, the more apprehensive I get.
I just keep telling myself... it's not abortion cause there is nothing to abort... it's just a chemical bomb to keep a possibly fertilized egg from implanting itself and starting to grow... there is nothing there I could possibly kill yet. It's just being responsible towards myself and The Fiancé and the life we are working so hard on to live.
I just wish it wouldn't feel so terribly wrong........ :(
It was having been made felt like a criminal and disregarded as yet another one of those thoughtless and irresponsible women that regard the morning after pill as yet another method of contraception instead of the emergency tool it really is.
Nobody took into consideration that what had happened can happen to the most responsible people that rely on condoms, nobody asked if I had ever taken this pill before, nobody offered me any help regarding alternatives. Nobody cared that I was, in fact, engaged to be married, and very willing to have children - and it is that wish that made me go to the hospital this morning: to be responsible, to do what's right, to not recklessly risk bringing a child into this world that I will at this point be incapable to care properly for.
Nobody cared that, in fact, this feels like an abortion to me - despite the fact that a few hours after the accident I am not even pregnant yet, and despite the fact that I don't even KNOW if his seed really would have taken root inside me at this time, or not.
For all of The Fiancé's reassuring me that it's the right thing, I feel like I am killing off potential before it even got its chance to grow. I feel like I am messing with what's "supposed to be", and that I am not living by my own credo of "be responsible and accept the consequences of your actions". I did not ask for this accident, I did not hope for it, I certainly did not want to become pregnant before we both feel that the time is right for it... but at the same time I always preached that if anything should happen, I ought to accept the consequences and deal with it. And now I am not. There is a morning after pill waiting for me to swallow it at home... and the more I think about it and the potential possibilities happening inside my body as I type, the more apprehensive I get.
I just keep telling myself... it's not abortion cause there is nothing to abort... it's just a chemical bomb to keep a possibly fertilized egg from implanting itself and starting to grow... there is nothing there I could possibly kill yet. It's just being responsible towards myself and The Fiancé and the life we are working so hard on to live.
I just wish it wouldn't feel so terribly wrong........ :(
Comments:
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*hugs* I'm sure this is a hard time for you, but at least you know that it's an emergency tool. From the sounds if it, you have the knowledge to be responsible about your health in this lifestyle. You know that it is not an abortion, and that EC is uncapable of stopping a pregnancy. Most people don't seem to know that.
It's really unfortunate that your doctor wasn't more supportive. That doc probably is just jaded from seeing too many people make the mistakes that you know to avoid. I'm lucky to be at a university that supplies such amazing sexual health care with such supportive and understanding personnel.
Remember that I'm here for you! Shoot me an e-mail any time you want.
Side Note: The Word Verification passcode for me this time is "jqhug". I think it's a sign. *more hugs*
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It's really unfortunate that your doctor wasn't more supportive. That doc probably is just jaded from seeing too many people make the mistakes that you know to avoid. I'm lucky to be at a university that supplies such amazing sexual health care with such supportive and understanding personnel.
Remember that I'm here for you! Shoot me an e-mail any time you want.
Side Note: The Word Verification passcode for me this time is "jqhug". I think it's a sign. *more hugs*
# posted by 
: 2:32 PM
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