After I have been plagued by a dream involving a woman kneeling with spread legs in a church entry, naked, her arms tied brutally behind her back, screaming, with her back arched wide to ease the pressure on her arms, and large amounts of blood running down her thighs and pooling on the stone floor between her legs - I have picked up a new hobby: sculpting.

What one has to do with the other can be seen when you open my fridge, for a PG version of my dream minus the church entry and the blood can be seen there, wrapped in plastic wrap to keep her fresh, awaiting her last finishing touches.

That's what I'm talking about when fantasizing about what "real inspiration" must be like, and I thank whatever muse has come to haunt my dreams that night, for I have found a new calling. And no kidding, for a first attempt I must say that I really am not bad at this at all. My own personal sculpting table is already in the works. *grins*

Not that you want to hear any more of my arty excursions, I am sure. Especially if you are new to this, and compare the content with the headline and quickly move on to the next porn site in your favorites to compensate for the disappointment. But let me tell you, since having shut down my "real" blog three months ago and not finding MySpace to be quite the right place for my personal thoughts even if just revealed to the people on my friends list, this here blog has to suffer sometimes. Take it or leave it, I am not blogging to please the masses, so fuck off.

It's all part of my path to myself, and therefore valid content. The fact that I sculpted a naked woman with wide spread legs and arched back, completely exposing her fleshy crotch and voluptuous breasts, and then dared to SHOW this to my family members, including my grandparents, says a lot about my progress. No, really.

The look on my mother's face when I went so far as to mention the blood I plan on splattering her thighs with was absolutely priceless, and my grandmother (without knowing about the pending blood bath) even said I should get more done and open my own renommated gallery.

Huh.

That said, sex is still on my mind, people, not just art, no worries. :P Not so much our threesome anymore though... for all our thinking about repeating it, I do feel grossed out the more I think about it. And that's not me contradicting myself on what I said about pseudo morals in one of my last entries - it's more a "half a decade ago I swore never to sleep with this person again, and now I've done it" kind of thing. Especially now that he's letting himself go so badly, that he's turning from the lazy slob he's always been into a complete and utter disgrace I hardly like to associate myself with anymore. It's not that I do not understand the hardships one has to go through in life. Some more, some less, him most definitely more than most others I know. It's not that I do not understand poverty. It's not that I wouldn't like to help. It's this complete having given up on himself that I cannot respect, it's his constant whining about how fucked up the world is to him, and his complete unwillingness to do anything about his situation. He complains about not having money for rent or food, yet he refuses to work and is content living off welfare. He expects his friends to help him financially, and gets pissy when they can't do or won't do it. He rejects all offers of different kinds of help, like when we invited him over for a good and large dinner one night knowing that he doesn't have anything to eat at home, and him refusing to come because, as he said to The Fiancé later, he was too lazy to get off his ass and come on over. It's the fact that the glasses and bottles we were drinking from that one night were still where we left them, when The Fiancé went over there to hang out with him last week.

The list goes on and on, and I don't think there are even enough words to properly describe my friend in all his facets, and why he pisses me off so much. I could, however, deal with him pissing me off. It has always been that way since day one of knowing him. What I cannot deal with is having to feel pity for a person. Pity is a bad thing to feel for a friend, pity makes one lose respect for another person. It was okay as long as he was poor and living off welfare and not having anything to eat, but TRYING to fix his situation. It is definitely NOT okay to be in such a situation and just spend your time waiting for someone to knock on your door and solve all your problems for you, while he just keeps on sitting on his lazy ass playing on his computer, whining and complaining about the unfairness of the world, and his mountain of debts which he will never be able to pay off in this lifetime anyway, and how good everybody else has it with their regular paychecks, and how good especially The Fiancé has it, because he doesn't work and I pay everything for him.

Only: he seems to forget that The Fiancé is desperately LOOKING for a job, and most definitely NOT happy to sit at home all day and wait for me to pay for all his living and extra expenses.

And the more I ponder on these things, the more disgusted I get at the thought of what happened, and the more I close myself to even the thought of repeating this with Steven one more time. Even when I close my eyes and put myself back in time to this one night, and saw him there hovering above me, moving on top of me, I remember the shock I felt at seeing him so close, seeing his naked body again: there was almost nothing left of the guy I slept with half a decade ago... he looked old and used up. His hair, from such a close perspective, has turned from the former raven black into more than just a dark shade of grey at his age of 32. His face looked ashen. And even though he is by no means skinny, it still seemed that his skin was a tad too large for him, giving him an overall sunken in look. All night I could not get myself to kiss him one time, and I was very glad when he asked me if kissing was too intimate of a thing to share, and I could say yes and have an "official" reason to stay away.

As you can see, the whole experience was very controversial to me. Even though I quite enjoyed it while it happened, I don't think I will allow it a second time. In many (if not most) aspects it was good to have done this thing with someone I know and trust, as I have mentioned before, but now I think it is time to move on to something else. If The Fiancé and I want to have such an experience again, we will seek out somebody else. Someone that we both can respect on all levels, and not have to feel pity for. Though, right now, The Fiancé is all I am dreaming of and want to be with. Especially now in direct comparison to Steven he seems to me so youthful, and powerful, and vigorous, and so juicily handsome. He is an explosion of lust and passion, and he can go on and on and on as if there were no physical limitations to his performance. And on that note, I doubt that Steven would even agree to a threesome anymore - he was more than obviously uncomfortable to be faced with a man like The Fiancé, heh. :)