Saturday, February 11, 2006
Haunting Dreams
You know who I haven't written about in a very long time?
Yes... her... the woman of my dreams, who nobody will ever measure up to. And really there is no reason to either, me being 6000 miles away from her for good, and her having uttered some homophobic remarks on the day I wanted to spill my guts to her.
But is she still on my mind? Apparently. Well, I still compare every woman I am remotely attracted to with her, and none is ever measuring up to her, but that's a different story. I guess it's because The Fiancé has mentioned her yesterday, but I had the most amazing and realistic dream about her last night.
Of course dreams have a way of fading the more the day progresses, so there is not too much of it left in my memory anymore, but I still remember her unimaginable beauty and my incredibly painful longing for her. I remember fragments... she was angry with me, she hated me... I was trying desperately to get in touch with her and explain myself to her... and as her ire came crashing down on me like fire when I finally caught up with her and groveled before her trying to tell her how much I loved her, I was letting it all wash over me gladly, grateful that she was noticing me and paying attention to me at all, and that I could be in the same room as her, breathing the same air she was breathing.
The intensity of how I was feeling was amazing for it having been just a dream, and when I woke up I was completely disoriented and lost, for she was not sitting before me anymore, looking at me with these sparkling sapphire blue eyes, only an arm's length away from my touch. I was confused about her showing up in my dream, after I have been back home for over six months now, and not having spent one conscious thought on her that I know of. I didn't realize that she was still there... so persistantly... even though I have met her only three times in my entire life, superficially, and never once touched her beyond a friendly hug.
It frightens me to think about the implications of this. How can she be so important that I am comparing every other woman out there with her? How can a woman whom I have never had any sort of relation or connection with have such an impact on my life - still? And how will any woman ever be able to knock her off her pedestal, for I have never seen anybody so beautiful and captivating like her before? If I keep making these excuses to myself of "she is nothing like her", then I will never get to make all the experiences I am so longing to have - and already could have had.
I need to ponder on this. There is only one Jo on this earth, she has never been interested in me, if for nothing else than because of her views on homosexuality, and she is 6000 miles away - I will never in my life see her again. She is the most unlikely candidate for being my "standard", yet she has put herself there and it looks like she's there to stay.
Yes... her... the woman of my dreams, who nobody will ever measure up to. And really there is no reason to either, me being 6000 miles away from her for good, and her having uttered some homophobic remarks on the day I wanted to spill my guts to her.
But is she still on my mind? Apparently. Well, I still compare every woman I am remotely attracted to with her, and none is ever measuring up to her, but that's a different story. I guess it's because The Fiancé has mentioned her yesterday, but I had the most amazing and realistic dream about her last night.
Of course dreams have a way of fading the more the day progresses, so there is not too much of it left in my memory anymore, but I still remember her unimaginable beauty and my incredibly painful longing for her. I remember fragments... she was angry with me, she hated me... I was trying desperately to get in touch with her and explain myself to her... and as her ire came crashing down on me like fire when I finally caught up with her and groveled before her trying to tell her how much I loved her, I was letting it all wash over me gladly, grateful that she was noticing me and paying attention to me at all, and that I could be in the same room as her, breathing the same air she was breathing.
The intensity of how I was feeling was amazing for it having been just a dream, and when I woke up I was completely disoriented and lost, for she was not sitting before me anymore, looking at me with these sparkling sapphire blue eyes, only an arm's length away from my touch. I was confused about her showing up in my dream, after I have been back home for over six months now, and not having spent one conscious thought on her that I know of. I didn't realize that she was still there... so persistantly... even though I have met her only three times in my entire life, superficially, and never once touched her beyond a friendly hug.
It frightens me to think about the implications of this. How can she be so important that I am comparing every other woman out there with her? How can a woman whom I have never had any sort of relation or connection with have such an impact on my life - still? And how will any woman ever be able to knock her off her pedestal, for I have never seen anybody so beautiful and captivating like her before? If I keep making these excuses to myself of "she is nothing like her", then I will never get to make all the experiences I am so longing to have - and already could have had.
I need to ponder on this. There is only one Jo on this earth, she has never been interested in me, if for nothing else than because of her views on homosexuality, and she is 6000 miles away - I will never in my life see her again. She is the most unlikely candidate for being my "standard", yet she has put herself there and it looks like she's there to stay.
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My initial reaction would be to say it is because she is your first. One of my very dear friends was my first real girlcrush. We both ended up kind of coming out of the closet together because of our experiences.
We got further along than you did with Jo, and things ended up not working out. Even though I definitely do not want a relationship with her, I still think about how soft it felt to cuddle with her sometimes.
Anyway, that's just me throwing in my two cents. I don't fancy myself as knowing anyone well enough to tell them what their dreams mean to them. :)
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We got further along than you did with Jo, and things ended up not working out. Even though I definitely do not want a relationship with her, I still think about how soft it felt to cuddle with her sometimes.
Anyway, that's just me throwing in my two cents. I don't fancy myself as knowing anyone well enough to tell them what their dreams mean to them. :)
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: 10:06 PM
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