When I lost my virginity at the age of 16 to a guy who was completely not worth the honor, I arose from the bed afterwards, observed the little droplet of blood on the sheets, and suddenly my surroundings looked somehow changed to me. It was almost as if the colors were a bit more intense, and the air in my lungs had a different quality to it. Richer, maybe. Not that my experience was all that great (on the contrary, in fact), but the simple fact that I was now "experienced" and a member of a different "league" somehow made me a different person. Made me see things in a different light.

Now, four days after my first threesome, I can say that almost the same thing has happened all over again. Of course there was no droplet of blood on the sheets to mark the transformation, but things certainly feel changed all over again. I am now elevated to yet another "league", and I feel accomplished like I only do when I have finally reached a goal I have been working for for a long time. I have done something which I always thought takes a "certain kind of person" to be able to do, and realized that I actually am that type of person. And it's a dirty little secret which The Fiancé have been sharing behind hidden grins at each other across tables filled with other people, and which I enjoy thinking about with glee when I compare myself with the "normal" people out there.

On top of this changed awareness of self, this little episode certainly also has changed things between The Fiancé and I - simply by it NOT having changed one goddamn thing at all. This will not make sense to you... but the simple fact that things are as beautiful and harmonious between us as if nothing "weird" ever happened makes me feel so much more in love with him now, and makes me respect and adore him so much more than ever before. His natural and self-confident way of talking about this experience boggles my mind in all the best ways - for it makes me think about how many men (including nearly all of whom I have ever been with before) would be so disgusted and turned off by the idea - not to mention insanely jealous - that I wouldn't even dare to bring it up in the first place, much less suggest a definite person I had in mind for such a thing.

He is still talking about a "next time" as naturally and matter-of-factly as he is talking about the next time him and I will make love, and even though I think for right now I got it "out of my system" and do not plan on doing it again soon, it gives me the exciting goosebumps to realize the way he is treating this matter now. I guess it took for him to see that Steven is very casual and uncomplicated about sex, and that he can talk as normally with him afterwards as if they had just shared a bottle of wine instead of a woman - his woman.

Mr. Cuba? He's emailed us twice since Saturday, emphasizing on how nice of an evening he had, and how pleasant and handsome he thinks The Fiancé is - and me too (lol). I am still open to meeting him again, but The Fiancé wants to politely and nicely tell him that he really isn't into him at all. I don't mind, cause I now do know where to get my threesomes if I want them - but bummer, cause Steven is a) technically open for everything but really not bisexual, and b) not attractive/interesting enough for me to even want to see him have sex with The Fiancé, even if he'd do it in the first place.

Like my best friend said to me when I told her about it... "What I don't understand with all of this - what in the world do you see in Steven???"

Nothing, really. I love him as one of my best friends, yes. I love him as one of the smartest people I will ever meet, yes. But neither is he very handsome, nor does he have a good body, nor is he in any way specially endowed. He looks much older than his 32 years, he chain-smokes, has bad mouth-hygiene, and spends his days and nights in front of his computer playing WoW, unemployed and living off welfare ever since I know him. But at the same time he is the most rational and open person when it comes to the "human" parts of life, he understands women on some weird level that I haven't seen in any other guy yet, managed to look right through me on the very first day we met when with every other person I manage to keep them safely outside my walls for a very long time before I allow them a first peek inside - and therefore he has me at the tip of his fingers as his loyal friend no matter what. I can entrust him with an intimate matter such as my love life, and I can safely involve him because of this trust and friendship that we have. The Fiancé calls him a "dick in a jar" - readily and safely available when we want it... I call him a very trusted friend who will never betray me or hurt me, even if I allow him into such an intimate part of my life.

At any rate, I feel very good and positive about what happened, and I am most grateful that this little adventure seemed to have improved my relationship with The Fiancé even more, and on a level that I least expected. :)