Monday, January 23, 2006
what I just can't wrap my mind around...
They schemed to drug me. I mean, they actually came up with this plan to get me high in order to make the effect of my reaction easier on them.
My own sister, the only sister I will ever have, intented to subdue me with drugs cause otherwise she couldn't have beared to break the news to me.
MY SISTER!!!
If this fact wouldn't cause my vision to be blurry with red hot fury and a hurt so unimaginably deep, the fact of their irrational "wedding" wouldn't phase me half as much, and the thought of talking with or seeing either of them wouldn't cause me throw up a little bit in my own mouth.
There was only one other time in my life when I have felt this way, so utterly hurt and disgusted that it made me physically ill at the thought of the person who caused it. Just ONE time, many years ago, when I was cheated on by a guy. This one piece of human waste made me feel like this... and of all the people in the world I would have never expected for my own sister be the one person to step up to the plate and match the feeling.
I have learned the hard way that people are not to be trusted, and that most of them are not worth the amount of breath it takes to say their names, but when this extends into your own closest family, I don't think the world can be any more wrong than this.
Have you ever been deliberately drugged by your immediate family to keep you at bay? HAVE YOU???
I didn't think so. So I doubt you can imagine the way I am feeling. Now that I have had one night to sleep over this, I am not so much mad at their decision anymore to get "married" or even to barge into my own special time the way they did... what's left and what all my anger and hurt is focused on is that they deliberately schemed to cloud my mind just enough to soften the blow of my reaction.
My mother is afraid that if I do not show up to the signing o'contract I will cause a split in the family. She thinks that if that happens it would all be my fault and my responsibility, and I would be the one to blame, I would be the one ruining "their day". Only what she doesn't realize is what really happened behind the "obvious", and it's hardly something I could tell her. What she doesn't realize and will never realize is that this "split" has already happened, and that I have nothing to do with its cause. Not this time. I haven't tried to drug anybody, I haven't tried to keep my emergency "wedding" a secret from my sister, I haven't told her over internet chat, and left an offline invitation. To imagine that I can forgive this... it gives me this foul feeling in my stomach all over again.
And on top of all of that? None of them fine people are trying the least bit to approach me and try to make any kind of amends. Again I appear to be the bitch who overreacts, and who has to take the first step if anything should ever be resolved - as usually when something happens. My mother hung up on me, my father yelled at me like he hadn't done since I was a teenager, The Fiancé slept on the couch, and the "merry couple" is avoiding me like the pest because they heard from all kinds of sources how my reaction was like. Only they wouldn't know now, would they, for they took the easy way out when drugging me didn't work out as planned, and dumped the news on me with a few typed words in a chat program, leaving The Fiancé to do the damage control and to deal with the reaction they so desperately wanted to avoid by subdueing me with drugs.
Nothing of such a scale has ever happened before, and this time I will not take the bait of Mr. E's proclaimed "the doors are open, if she wants to talk".
If you do not approach ME, and approach me SOON, and behave properly in light of what you have done to me, this door will be happily slammed in your face, and the key thrown down the crapper. I can only take so much, and the last thing I can deal with in my already fragile state of mind is a family treating me with such contempt, disregard and disrespect.
And the question which keeps hammering away at my brain relentlessly is... when they came up with their ingenious plan of putting me under the influence of drugs as their only option to tell me about their plans, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???????????
Am I really such a horrible person??? :(
My own sister, the only sister I will ever have, intented to subdue me with drugs cause otherwise she couldn't have beared to break the news to me.
MY SISTER!!!
If this fact wouldn't cause my vision to be blurry with red hot fury and a hurt so unimaginably deep, the fact of their irrational "wedding" wouldn't phase me half as much, and the thought of talking with or seeing either of them wouldn't cause me throw up a little bit in my own mouth.
There was only one other time in my life when I have felt this way, so utterly hurt and disgusted that it made me physically ill at the thought of the person who caused it. Just ONE time, many years ago, when I was cheated on by a guy. This one piece of human waste made me feel like this... and of all the people in the world I would have never expected for my own sister be the one person to step up to the plate and match the feeling.
I have learned the hard way that people are not to be trusted, and that most of them are not worth the amount of breath it takes to say their names, but when this extends into your own closest family, I don't think the world can be any more wrong than this.
Have you ever been deliberately drugged by your immediate family to keep you at bay? HAVE YOU???
I didn't think so. So I doubt you can imagine the way I am feeling. Now that I have had one night to sleep over this, I am not so much mad at their decision anymore to get "married" or even to barge into my own special time the way they did... what's left and what all my anger and hurt is focused on is that they deliberately schemed to cloud my mind just enough to soften the blow of my reaction.
My mother is afraid that if I do not show up to the signing o'contract I will cause a split in the family. She thinks that if that happens it would all be my fault and my responsibility, and I would be the one to blame, I would be the one ruining "their day". Only what she doesn't realize is what really happened behind the "obvious", and it's hardly something I could tell her. What she doesn't realize and will never realize is that this "split" has already happened, and that I have nothing to do with its cause. Not this time. I haven't tried to drug anybody, I haven't tried to keep my emergency "wedding" a secret from my sister, I haven't told her over internet chat, and left an offline invitation. To imagine that I can forgive this... it gives me this foul feeling in my stomach all over again.
And on top of all of that? None of them fine people are trying the least bit to approach me and try to make any kind of amends. Again I appear to be the bitch who overreacts, and who has to take the first step if anything should ever be resolved - as usually when something happens. My mother hung up on me, my father yelled at me like he hadn't done since I was a teenager, The Fiancé slept on the couch, and the "merry couple" is avoiding me like the pest because they heard from all kinds of sources how my reaction was like. Only they wouldn't know now, would they, for they took the easy way out when drugging me didn't work out as planned, and dumped the news on me with a few typed words in a chat program, leaving The Fiancé to do the damage control and to deal with the reaction they so desperately wanted to avoid by subdueing me with drugs.
Nothing of such a scale has ever happened before, and this time I will not take the bait of Mr. E's proclaimed "the doors are open, if she wants to talk".
If you do not approach ME, and approach me SOON, and behave properly in light of what you have done to me, this door will be happily slammed in your face, and the key thrown down the crapper. I can only take so much, and the last thing I can deal with in my already fragile state of mind is a family treating me with such contempt, disregard and disrespect.
And the question which keeps hammering away at my brain relentlessly is... when they came up with their ingenious plan of putting me under the influence of drugs as their only option to tell me about their plans, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???????????
Am I really such a horrible person??? :(
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They weren't thinking and you are not horrible. You are a spectacular, wonderful, beautiful person and you know that. Seems like a certain person's presence has changed your sister a bit. It's sad. :(
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# posted by 
: 3:42 PM
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