Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Profile Fun
The fun that can be had with single profiles on the internet.
The same portal that found us Mr. Cuba keeps spamming me with idiotic requests for forever love or hot steaming monkey sex that will totally blow my mind from bunches and bunches of hetero men on a daily basis.
Two particularly ridiculous ones I would like to share with you tonight (translated to English, of course), including my responses, for your amusement. Before I will start with this, I will have you know that this profile of mine states in BIG, BOLD LETTERS that 1. I am in a good relationship, and that WE BOTH are looking for bisexual people to have occasional fun with, and 2. that responses from hetero men addressing me directly will be completely disregarded. Actually, the letters for 2. are even BIGGER and BOLDER than the ones for 1.
I think straight men in need have difficulties reading. Enjoy.
Shy? Me? Ha! Here's my loving reply:
And, handicrafts...? Do I look like Martha or something??? But that's nothing yet... get a load of this:
Huh... end your drivel with an insult, why dontcha. Presumptuous asshole. I like your kind... you are entertaining me and The Fiancé to no end. Thank you for making me laugh so heartily.
The nerve...???
At any rate... of course we do not have a Latino "boyfriend" as stated in my reply, but we did call Mr. Cuba last night. He sounds very pleasant, but - weirdly enough - had trouble replying to The Fiancé in Spanish, talked in German with me instead. The Fiancé thinks this odd, for he knows no Cuban who doesn't proudly know and speak his native tongue, but this is something that doesn't throw me off too much. We set up a meeting for next Saturday at 8pm in the city, and I have to say I am very curious about this meeting. I'll keep you posted. :) Also on possible answers from the two assclowns above... lol. :)
The same portal that found us Mr. Cuba keeps spamming me with idiotic requests for forever love or hot steaming monkey sex that will totally blow my mind from bunches and bunches of hetero men on a daily basis.
Two particularly ridiculous ones I would like to share with you tonight (translated to English, of course), including my responses, for your amusement. Before I will start with this, I will have you know that this profile of mine states in BIG, BOLD LETTERS that 1. I am in a good relationship, and that WE BOTH are looking for bisexual people to have occasional fun with, and 2. that responses from hetero men addressing me directly will be completely disregarded. Actually, the letters for 2. are even BIGGER and BOLDER than the ones for 1.
I think straight men in need have difficulties reading. Enjoy.
Hello, I am Alex, and my horoscope says that 2006 is my year! I am trying to start it right away, and I am looking for YOU!!!
I can be enthusiastic about many things, and I like to do all kinds of things. Equally much I like just staying home, and I would like to spend these beautiful hours with the person that is special to me, relaxing, snuggling, cooking together, enjoying a glass of wine together, doing handicrafts, make plans, discuss, and many other things!
It would be wonderful to get to know someonw who is partner, best friend and partner in crime all in one person. If you think some of this applies to you, then don't be shy and mail be back!
Alex
Shy? Me? Ha! Here's my loving reply:
Dearest Alex...
...general advice for general living: before you send your next pointless standard mail ("I can be enthusiastic about many things, and I like to do all kinds of things" - hey! What a coincidence! Me too! We MUST be soulmates!) to people on the internet, make a point of reading their profile first!
If you would have done that, you would not have missed the little detail of "STRAIGHT MEN FUTILE", and also the not so unimportant information of "I love in a good and steady relationship with my fiancé, and together we are looking for a bisexual man or woman to share our bisexual fantasies with".
You mail does not sound like you are a bisexual, and interested in having sex with my man, while I am watching the two of you and masturbate.
Therefore: read before you bother people with your off-the-topic drivel.
Cheers!
And, handicrafts...? Do I look like Martha or something??? But that's nothing yet... get a load of this:
My first attempt at this! I don't really know how to start here, since we don't know each other. Well, some things you can read in my profile, but in addition you should know that I am also really humorous, funny, self-confident, open-minded and creative, and on top of that I can be a lot of fun! I am looking for an adventure/one night stand/relationship with a humorous, self-confident and open-minded woman who will complete me.
I really just want to feel someone's naked skin and want to express my phantasies freely - allowed is whatever pleases both sides.
Here are the 10 reasons why you should get into an adventurous relationship with me:
1. you are a woman
2. I am a young and good-looking man
3. I have just THE experience that you are missing with other men - believe me *wink*
4. my passion for pleasing women with my tongue is almost legendary
5. I do not have any taboos
6. you want to expand your horizon
7. you are done with the cookie-cutter sex you are so used to getting from your partner
8. you will finally count in the bedroom too, and want to be able to let go
9. you want to express your most intimate wishes, without having to compromise your standards
10. there is absolutely no reason for you not to do it
In case you were looking for a reason, just pick one and then let's do it.
So, did I awaken your interest?
If not, there is something seriously wrong with you. *smile*
Fanolino
Huh... end your drivel with an insult, why dontcha. Presumptuous asshole. I like your kind... you are entertaining me and The Fiancé to no end. Thank you for making me laugh so heartily.
Fanolino, my stud.
Oh, what convincing arguments you are serenading me with here... I am getting all wet here, just from reading alone...
Please allow me to list you 10 reasons of my own why I now have to wipe this wetness from my tears of laughter from my face:
1. I do not deal with illiterates. My profile states quite clearly that "WE are looking", and "STRAIGHT MEN FUTILE" - something that very obviously slipped your attention completely.
2. Self-proclaimed super-lovers like the one you seem to be make me smile in pity at you - at best.
3. You are insulting my intellect with your email bristing with typographic and grammatical errors - which brings us back to illiteracy and my profile. After all, according to it, I am "presuming a certain sophistication" with my applicants - which you very obviously do not have.
4. Speaking of experience: I am pretty sure that I have more of that than you could ever dream of, and that I have done things that you wouldn't be able to spell even with the aid of a dictionary. I understand that you may secretly hope to learn something from me, but sorry - I only share my abundance with men who can actually deal with it and are able to make use of it - like for instants my husband and our "boyfriend" - two true Latin Lovers.
5. Cookie cutter sex is non-existant in my bedroom, and the man hasn't been born yet who could exceed my husband in skill, creativity, and stamina. To even consider spending a night with you would be a definite regression on my part.
6. I cannot stand characters like you who assume that every woman who doesn't have sex with you, god's greatest gift to womankind, automatically must have a crappy sex life.
7. I am living my most intimate dreams very fully at the moment, thank you very much. You, on the other hand, are a nightmare.
8. My dildo is probably bigger and more exciting than your needle-dick - which is something I can read very clearly between the lines of your megalomaniac email.
9. If I'd show myself in the streets with your cute 5'6" self, people would think I am taking my lap doggy for a little walk. Look for something more along your eye level, while I am parading the streets with my two 6'2" Latino hunks, m'kay?
10. If you'd be the last man on Earth, I'd either become a full-time lesbian or completely celibate, and still have better sex with myself than I could ever have with you.
Oh... and what's seriously wrong with me? My spam filter, obviously.
The nerve...???
At any rate... of course we do not have a Latino "boyfriend" as stated in my reply, but we did call Mr. Cuba last night. He sounds very pleasant, but - weirdly enough - had trouble replying to The Fiancé in Spanish, talked in German with me instead. The Fiancé thinks this odd, for he knows no Cuban who doesn't proudly know and speak his native tongue, but this is something that doesn't throw me off too much. We set up a meeting for next Saturday at 8pm in the city, and I have to say I am very curious about this meeting. I'll keep you posted. :) Also on possible answers from the two assclowns above... lol. :)
