December 28. I cannot believe how fast this month, my favorite month of the year, has come and almost past. I am always very wrapped up in the pre-Christmas spirit, I am one of these people who really enjoy Christmas time, and since it has also been the first time for me and The Fiancé to ever spend Christmas together, it should be no surprise that internetly affairs have been of a very small concern or importance to me.

Also, I never knew that as a full-time-employed adult, Christmas preparations can actually really become rather stressful. Who would have thought. ;) If anything, I think that this year is marked by desperate last-minute wrapping and finishing of gifts, and sending other people to buy your gifts for you because you have to pull crazy overtime at work and by the time you get out, no store is open anymore. There was not much of "quiet time" for me this advent... and next year I'll start sooner with everything – I promise this to myself and my mental health.

Christmas itself has been especially beautiful this year, since we had guests from South America to spend the holidays with us, and to be shown around our hometown. It was a beautiful chaos of languages in my parents' apartment, and we were so many people that we barely all fit into the room where the tree and the gifts were... not to mention the fact that never in my life have I seen this many gifts underneath our tree as I did this year - just as our guests (including The Fiancé) had never seen real candles burning on a Christmas tree before.

White Christmas have been nothing but wishful thinking again this year, and it was a disappointment to show our guests around a rainy and grey-in-grey town, but I am quite sure they enjoyed their stay with us nevertheless. And speaking of snow: right now, only 4 days after Christmas, my city is literally suffocating in it. It is so incredibly beautiful, if one can overlook the slippery chaos that the streets have turned into, and so massive that the feverishly working snow plows and hired shovelers can't be fast enough to get the streets free. In fact, 2 hours ago my boss had cleaned out his little porch with a broom, and when I open the door now to look out now it is as if he had done nothing at all.

This truly is my favorite time of the year, and as much as I miss Los Angeles, I have to say that wintertime is nowhere as beautiful and atmospheric as it is here in my own hometown.

Forgive me, dear reader, but I really do not have much else of interest to talk about right now. I have not been back to the Buddhist temple, because, if I even can pinpoint this down to a single reason, ever since I started to read this thorough book for the Buddhist-beginner, my old issues with any form, shape or kind of religion came up again, and right now this feeling is too strong for me to even really want to deal with it for the time being.

I am a bit disappointed with myself that I stopped seeing the good aspects of this awesome philosophy and started to see where the "religion" part is hidden in it. Faith... one has to have faith... not in God but in the reality of Buddha, and all the Boddisatvahs (sp) surrounding him, spreading blessings and inspirations on the way to enlightenment. And whereas I do not doubt the historical figure of Buddha and him being the founder of this awesome philosophy and way of life (- just as I do not doubt the historical existance of the man called Jesus), I cannot envision him floating around me in time and space, surrounded by the enlightened beings like the stars around the moon, direct my prayers to him, put my faith in him, and not laugh out loud at the same time.

As you can probably tell I have issues with iconizing human beings or even ideas, and worshipping them in any way, shape, or form.

I still do, however, like the idea behind Buddhism... I am still doing my reading and my research, and I am trying hard to find my way around the religion part of it, and absorbing what is agreeable and useful for me. I hope I will find my way back to it, and a way to accomodate my sceptical mind, because it felt good to have a place like the temple to go to, and to listen to Gen Demo's teachings.

As you can probably imagine, there are also no news on the bisexual front to report, either. I think I have gotten a bit lazy in this regard. I did make contact with a nice-appearing couple, but then kind of "forgot" to stay in touch with them. Is it because it was Christmas time, is it because I have given up... I do not know. I still cringe whenever The Fiancé tries to get me "in the mood" by mentioning any sort of "girly action", and focus all my imagination on seeing him with another guy instead. I guess this last experience of mine really put a halt to my ambitions to experience - isn't it so much easier to stick with what you know if there is nothing wrong with it, and save yourself all the trouble?

At the same time I really hope that this current state of my mind is temporary only. Otherwise I would be hugely disappointed with myself and my own integrity...