Now that time has sufficiently put itself between me and my last little unpleasant experience, I had some opportunity to ponder the fact on why - while I had the chance and everything seemed to be alright - I haven't been more proactive, or excited about the whole thing.

Think about it. Here I am, for about a year doing nothing but whining and complaining and dreaming about the day I will finally have the chance to be with a girl. Then, out of the blue, there it is, and all I am doing is feeling uncomfortable, and trying to get out of it, holding on to The Fiancé like a drowning person for physical assurance.

I know that would I have given Kim a bit more leeway I would have gotten laid for sure before the whole thing went down the shitter. So why so hesitant? She sure was not unattractive - no Jo for sure, but by all standards not ugly. Her lard-ass boyfriend? He sure was a convenient enough excuse that sounded reasonable, but how much had he really to do with my unwillingness to take my chance when I had it? And finally, the huge cold sore I had for 50% of our 2-week aqcuaintance? As far as I was concerned it couldn't have come at a better time, for it saved me from trying to get out of making out with her and coming up with excuses for it.

Since then, in the privacy of our home, The Fiancé has dropped several comments about me being with a woman, or imagine if... in order to turn me on with the thought, as he did so many times before. Only now, the second he did that, all my mood went down the drain instantly, and an unwillingness spread within me that made me squirm, and had me focus really hard on getting back "into" what I was doing with The Fiancé at the time. I do not think about being with a woman anymore, much less fantasize about it.

This is really strange behavior for me. Was I wrong, am I straight after all? Is this whole blog completely pointless, because I thought I was what I am not? Did it have to come to not taking the only real chance I ever had for me to find out that this is all bullshit and I am really as normal as anybody else out there with their husbands and boyfriends and orderly emotions?

Right now, as I don't have the definite answer, the assumption is valid. However, what I think it really boils down to is the simple fact that YES, I am a bisexual, inexperienced as they come but very sure about her identity, but GODDAMN, I am also a woman who is madly in love with a man, and I do mean madly, and as such it just simply didn't feel right to even do as innocent a thing as to hold hands with somebody else - even if it was allowed and sanctioned by and in plain view of this man.

Is this, maybe, what I have learned out of this experience? That I do not necessarily need the experience in order to feel a complete bisexual, and that casual, meaningless physical contact has absolutely no fascination for me, even if it's with a woman, simply because the only person that I REALLY want to be touched and caressed and kissed by is the man I am going to get married to next year?

It's not that I want to be touched by him because he's a man and I was reluctant to get physical with her because she was a woman. Would she have been another man, I would have reacted the same way. Would The Fiancé be a woman and I were about to be with another man or woman, I would have reacted the same way.

Bisexuality is a beautiful thing, for one truly gets the best out of both worlds. One does not limit one's emotional or physical pleasure to gender, but to personalities and hearts. Me? I feel blessed that I can appreciate and feel drawn to and be aroused by people out there, humans, not genders. It makes me feel like I am the richer individual, for all of my openness to everything and everybody out there, and I feel like I am beyond the boundaries that pure straight or pure gay people are subject to. Does it need actual physical experience to feel truly belonging? Maybe. Maybe not. For lack of such, I cannot say. But what I can say for sure is that right now, at this point in time, my heart is fully satisfied, by a person that happens to be a man, a person that I love with a passion unequalled by anything I have ever felt before, and this love and passion makes me unreceptive for the pleasures of any other person - even if it is the so desired touch of a woman.

So I am glad... for this experience has so effectively taught me the true scale and boundaries of my own love for The Fiancé, and finally I feel this restlessness dropping off my shoulders, that came from not knowing, and so desperately wanting to know.