Well, it was NOT the latter.

Was I expecting to spend an evening sitting inside a temple filled with incents and weird people with shaved heads in togas chanting "ommmm" while sitting in the lotus position, and barely being able to contain my laughter at the ridiculousness and cheesiness of it all - well, internet, I was heavily disappointed.

At this point I find it really hard to put into words what I have experienced yesterday, but one thing for certain is that it exceeded my expectations or imaginations by far. Sure at first it felt weird entering a buddhist temple... alien, that is. For someone who has grown up in a culture shaped and heavily influenced by Catholicism it is certainly something else to take an active step into something so alien for our Western perception, and I wasn't sure what to expect, or what to think, even. One of the things that happened right away while I was waiting for the meditation to begin was something that hit me extremely by surprise, and made me giggle a bit inside: despite my not believing in Catholicism and the institution that is church and my claimed atheism, my early childhood indoctrination apparently still was enough to make me feel a slight and extremely short pang of bad conscience: am I cheating on God? Will I be punished for this? I was so taken aback by this thought which, by the way, dissipated in thin air just as quickly as it entered my brain, that it physically startled me, and almost made me laugh out loud. This was as uncharacteristic for me as it was to be inside a Buddhist temple, and I just took it as part of the ride that was awaiting me.

I looked around me, and let the atmosphere of the place sink in. Buddha statues sitting everywhere, images of all kinds of enlightened beings hung on the walls, candles were burning, flower arrangements decorated the bare walls and red carpeted shelves, a golden frame with a portrait of the founder of this center on something I would call an altar of some sort. Very bright, very colorful, very un-threatening - much unlike many churches I have been to.

Then Kelsang Demo entered the room, a Buddhist nun, ordained 9 years ago. In the audience were only four people, The Fiancé and I included. I shifted on my seat uncomfortably, prepared to bite my tongue the way I do when people around me pray at the dinner table, and I do not want to respectlessly disrupt the prayer session by giggling out loud or grinning like an idiot at the funniness of it all - an effective means that has helped me out so many times before. But then she started to speak. She spoke of our stressed minds, and where stress comes from, and what we can do about it. She spoke, and with every word she used to describe what's going on in stressed peoples' minds, I felt like she was talking to me directly, as if she had opened up my head and read my brain directly, word for word. I was startled - how does she know me and what I am feeling so well? How can she describe what's happening inside my head beyond my control better than I could have put it in my own words?

I guess that's really when she had me hooked, almost instantly, and much to my surprise. She emananted such calmness, such contentment, such balance within herself, and what she said described me and most of my problems so very much to the dot, that in a matter of a couple of minutes I suddenly realized that I was hanging on to her every word, staring at her mouth, willing it to say more, to not ever stop talking. The first breathing exercise was an experience, something I have never before felt in my life. Maybe that is because I have never even tried to meditate before, but it was more effective than any amount of relaxing shoulder massages or deep sleep could ever be. For the first time in my life my head was empty. I thought of nothing. I felt my breathing, I envisioned the healing white light she asked us to breathe in, and I saw clouds of dark, black smoke leaving my nostrils everytime I exhaled. I forgot about work, I forgot about all the things I am responsible for, all the obstacles in my way, even The Fiancé sitting right next to me. In a matter of mere minutes I was alone in the entire universe, with nothing but a soft, soothing voice to guide me. It was something I have never felt before, something I have never allowed my brain to do before: not to think, just to be.

I woke from this breathing exercise as if from a trance. Refreshed, relaxed, and with my spirit feeling free and light and soaring to the sky with unexplainable joy. And yes, that was the point where she really had me hooked. The lecture that followed... if you can even call it that... to me was an ongoing urge of "please don't stop talking" and "please tell me more". What I barely dared to hope did really happen: the dry sponge that my spirit has become started to soak up her every word, expanded, felt oh so smooth and tended to.

Repeating what she said here would be a pointless exercise, but I can tell you that I have rarely heard anything that just made so much sense and was so deep at the same time. Not to say that I understood everything she said. Far from it, actually. But what I did understand left a deep impression on me, was food for thought that will keep me busy for a long while. When we left I had the feeling that I had really accomplished something, that I have found a way to ease the pains that are ailing me, and I have rarely ever regretted for a lecture to end as I did yesterday, when she stopped speaking.

Was this is a lecture? A sermon? A mixture of both? Advice from a good friend who knows what you are going through? I am not sure. I talked with the other two that attended after the hour was over, and I found them both to be approachable and nice people that were not judgemental in any way. We sat for about another half hour talking, and it turns out that both of them came from a Catholic background as well and were searching for something else... just like I am. I felt accepted and understood, so unexpectedly, in such a weird environment of all places.

Certainly I will not be able to afford to attend any of the more complex courses that are offered. As with everything, also Buddhist knowledge comes at a price, which at this point in time I have no way to be able to afford. I will, however, keep on attending these Wednesday evening classes which are a lot closer to my price range - attending still isn't exactly cheap, but considering that other people spend up to 4 times that amount in harmful and expensive addictions like cigarettes without thinking twice about it, I believe that training and expanding my mind in such a positive way like that is certainly worth the price. And if anything it certainly is only a fraction of what I would have to pay, would I have decided for psychotherapy instead...