And yes, I have been for a while. Years, that is. Only I have never realized that my active rebuttal of anything religion/spirituality related is actually now manifesting itself in something I could really call a "lack".

If anything, everything needs balance. And so this may explain why, even though I am not faring bad for myself at all lately, there is still this huge dissatisfaction within me, and depression, and impatience, and short temper with everything. Looking at my current life circumstances, there really is nothing I should complain about - other people have a lot less than what I am having right now and are much happier.

I am moving on the verge of tears almost constantly, I am depressed, people don't like being around me very much these days. I cannot blame them, really. The Fiancé told me last night during one of my bouts of hysteria that he thinks I am walking dangerously close along the edge of a full blown clinical nervous breakdown.

He's right - but if you ask me why, I couldn't exactly name you one REAL reason for this state of my mind. Something's out of whack, out of balance, it's like something is missing.

No, I do not believe in God. I've grown out of the concept of "God" a long time ago, when my indoctrinized beliefs started to collide with newly acquired and unquestionable scientific knowledge - in other words: me, a little faithful Catholic girl, went to University and studied biology for 4 years. Trust me when I say that by the end of my first year all bouts of religious thought were driven out of my head successfully, replaced by logic and rationale, and a mind of my own.

Many things have changed since then. I am no longer aspiring to be a biologist and the next recipient of the Nobel price. My priorities have shifted, and so have my interests. I am a different person now than I was then... yet my distaste with everything remotely esoteric has remained. I call myself an atheist... and that hasn't changed either.

But I do feel, like I said above, that something is missing. It's like my starved spirit is crying out for nourishment, and I, the neglective mother, am at a loss for what to do. What does a spirit eat? What does it need? What keeps it warm and cozy and comfortable? What makes a spirit happy? I am at a loss here... I have been for a while, all the while knowing that if I only found something spiritually fulfilling that goes along my lines of atheism and anti-religious-fanaticism, I would feel a lot better, a lot more balanced than I am right now.

This has caused me, over the last few months, to re-evaluate. Not my disbelief in a grander being that guides and protects and punishes and judges us, no. I still cannot have the concept of "God" coexist peacefully with my painfully and diligently acquired knowledge of the world as it is. God is not for me, and I doubt it'll ever be. God will not make my spirit happy, because "God" would mean to give up the whole construction that my view of the world is based on, and this is not going to happen. My knowledge and understanding of the world is too precious for me to throw it out the window, to accomodate to a concept as alien and irrational such as "God".

However... religion does not equal spirituality. I have been searching and looking around for answers, for nourishment for my spirit, for a glove that would fit me without having to compromise my principles and everything I stand for. The philosophies and practices of Wicca have fascinated me for a while... their coexistence with nature, their healthy approach to all things human, their tolerance, their being so at ease with themselves and others. Only the thought of exchanging one deity for several others made me turn away from this again before I even really tried to look into it more. Sure, the thought of a God and a Goddess as opposed to one omnipotent godly being that is generally perceived to be male and vengeful is more appealing - but it still does not go along with my atheism. At the same time, a certain interest in the practices of Buddhism has been sparked. By what, I do not know. Maybe on some subconscious level it still rang in my head what The Ex, a non-practicing Buddhist, once said to me: "There is no God in Buddhism, buddha is a concept, a state of mind. You do not worship gods, you only seek your personal enlightenment and try to be a good human being."

Why then, pray tell, is Buddhism then defined as one of the big world religions? Doesn't a religion involve some sort of deity per definition? Heck... you see I know nothing of it, really. I hear "Buddhism" and I think of rubbing bellies, and of incents and people dressed in weird robes. I am completely ignorant. The little reading I've been doing on the subject here and there has done nothing but to confuse me more - I mean: have you seen all these kinds of different instances of Buddhism there are out there? Which one, if any, is THE Buddhism, which one, if any, is a good "starter" Buddhism... and what's all the grinning and smiling all about?

Alas... there is only one way to cure ignorance - the only way I see right to go through life, period: learning, acquiring knowledge. And then it hit me - what a perfectly fitting glove! No gods to worship and grovel before, no religious sermons, no fanaticism, no terrorism in the name of buddha, and your way to enlightenment is acquiring and applying knowledge - as opposed to indoctrination and threats of eternal punishment, that for instants Catholics are so fond of.

Is this really worth a try? It sure is one thing to have a budding and shy interest in something that you have banned out of your life for such a very long time, but it certainly is another to take an actual step towards it. Today I have researched local Buddhism facilities, and have come across one that offers meditation workshops every Wednesday. Hey - today is Wednesday! So before I lost all my determination again I gathered my courage and typed an email to whoever was listed as contact person on their website, asking if anybody could join, and that HOLY SHIT I AM SCARED.

I got a really nice and reassuring email back in a matter of one hour, inviting me to come - and to bring nothing but an open mind. If I still had doubts over at least giving this a try, the tone of the short email blew it out the window.

You see... for me it really is between 2 things right now: either I go seek professional help soon, tell all my issues to a doctor whose only real interest in me is based on how much money he can make off my problems, and possibly be put on some medication - or try to find inner peace out of myself, find a way to find the strength to overcome all my issues by myself, and become a happier more content person through it - as opposed to a chemically induced happy person, with suicidal tendencies underneath all the medication.

Maybe Buddhism is the way. Maybe I am just full of shit and it is not. Maybe there will be a new side of me awakened through this approach, maybe I'll laugh my ass off at these delusional people with their silly robes and shaved heads. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But at any rate I shall be damned if I don't go to this workshop tonight, and at least have a look. Maybe - who knows - my spirit will soak everything up like a dry sponge, or maybe I will come back tomorrow and tell you, internet, about how ridiculous of an evening I just went through.

I seriously hope it won't be the latter.