Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Sensations
What is really awkward here? Is it her approaching me in any way she can, sitting by my feet with her head on my lap and her arms around me, tenderly caressing my back while I gently stroke her hair out of her face and behind her ear, or is it The Fiancé sitting on the couch across, talking with Mr. Austrostar about unrelated things, like nothing weird is going on?
Is it the tingeling I felt when she gently stroked my thighs right where her cheek was resting by my crotch?
Was it the sudden hot and reddening thought of oh god, what if my (parents, friends, relatives, WHOEVER...) could see me like this, which I couldn't quite rid myself of anymore once it flashed into my brain?
How weird is it to kiss someone goodbye on the lips, and then walk out arm in arm with someone else?
How weird is it to somehow finally see secret thoughts translated into real life happenings?
How weird is it to want to run away screaming, while at the same time wanting to turn off all conscious thought and just give myself to whatever it is that is pushing itself to happen?
I am torn between hiding behind The Fiancé and his safe maleness, and spreading myself out in front of this new thing, this thing that has been happening in my brain so many countless times now, and is now within the very reach of my fingertip...
On the way home, now kissed by a total of two girls in my life, I asked The Fiancé how he felt about all this, seeing my sitting on the lap of another person, her lips on my neck, our hands entertwined. He admitted to a certain awkwardness seeing someone else touching his woman, but no jealousy at all. Tell me, how does it feel... I don't know, I will have to think about the answer to this... Then he smiled, put his arm around me... and spent all night wrapped tightly around me, lovingly, protectively, just the way I love to sleep with him best.
So how does it feel... I am dazed and confused. Kim is nothing like Jo, there is nothing of this spellbound attraction that would make me so painfully tongue-tied, oogling and drooling in her presence... that would make my heart sting at the very thought of her and being with her. She does not captivate my mind and my dreams the way Jo did. She does not provoke wild passionate phantasies of chivalry and seduction. The thought of her does not make my hand wander inbetween my legs as if moved by some mysterious higher force the way the thought of Jo did. Yet she is attractive and cute, tall enough not to make me feel like a freak, chunky enough not to make me feel fat, and she is funny and very smart. Her touch is exciting, and makes me shiver at the thought of more. Her gaze is captivating, making me nervous enough to try to escape it everytime I feel it taking hold of mine. It is fun to be around her, and fun to see what her next step would be - for that is all it really is: her taking things a bit further, see if I would play along, and then taking them further yet.
The Fiancé says not to think too much - neither about Kim, nor about the musical doors suddenly opening in front of me, the opportunities presenting themselves on a golden platter, almost. I'll heed his advice, and just go with the flow.
If I can...
Is it the tingeling I felt when she gently stroked my thighs right where her cheek was resting by my crotch?
Was it the sudden hot and reddening thought of oh god, what if my (parents, friends, relatives, WHOEVER...) could see me like this, which I couldn't quite rid myself of anymore once it flashed into my brain?
How weird is it to kiss someone goodbye on the lips, and then walk out arm in arm with someone else?
How weird is it to somehow finally see secret thoughts translated into real life happenings?
How weird is it to want to run away screaming, while at the same time wanting to turn off all conscious thought and just give myself to whatever it is that is pushing itself to happen?
I am torn between hiding behind The Fiancé and his safe maleness, and spreading myself out in front of this new thing, this thing that has been happening in my brain so many countless times now, and is now within the very reach of my fingertip...
On the way home, now kissed by a total of two girls in my life, I asked The Fiancé how he felt about all this, seeing my sitting on the lap of another person, her lips on my neck, our hands entertwined. He admitted to a certain awkwardness seeing someone else touching his woman, but no jealousy at all. Tell me, how does it feel... I don't know, I will have to think about the answer to this... Then he smiled, put his arm around me... and spent all night wrapped tightly around me, lovingly, protectively, just the way I love to sleep with him best.
So how does it feel... I am dazed and confused. Kim is nothing like Jo, there is nothing of this spellbound attraction that would make me so painfully tongue-tied, oogling and drooling in her presence... that would make my heart sting at the very thought of her and being with her. She does not captivate my mind and my dreams the way Jo did. She does not provoke wild passionate phantasies of chivalry and seduction. The thought of her does not make my hand wander inbetween my legs as if moved by some mysterious higher force the way the thought of Jo did. Yet she is attractive and cute, tall enough not to make me feel like a freak, chunky enough not to make me feel fat, and she is funny and very smart. Her touch is exciting, and makes me shiver at the thought of more. Her gaze is captivating, making me nervous enough to try to escape it everytime I feel it taking hold of mine. It is fun to be around her, and fun to see what her next step would be - for that is all it really is: her taking things a bit further, see if I would play along, and then taking them further yet.
The Fiancé says not to think too much - neither about Kim, nor about the musical doors suddenly opening in front of me, the opportunities presenting themselves on a golden platter, almost. I'll heed his advice, and just go with the flow.
If I can...
