Monday, October 03, 2005
Nervous... scared... silly?
So, as I have mentioned in my last entry, we are scheduled today to meet Kim and Mr. Austrostar at their record store in the city, once I get out of the office... the cheerful event of which is scheduled in about an hour.
Since Saturday Kim and I have been text messaging and emailing. They make the impression that they are looking forward to meeting us again just as much as we are, and this feels very good and refreshing. However... panic is spreading within me like a nasty disease. She has started to flirt with me via email, and from the moment I read "well, I'll just be really nice to you tonight, so you can forget about your day" in an email today, I have a) made a fool out of myself by composing idiotic and stumbling-over-my-own-words nervous response emails to which she seemed to react a bit offended, and b) my stomach is suddenly making nasty blubbering noises, paired with painful cramping, which I blame on her revelation of "niceness" 100%.
So I am sitting here, trying to put what exactly I am feeling right now into words, but somehow the right description doesn't come to me. I wanna call up The Fiancé and tell him that I am feeling sick and that I don't wanna go. But that would be a lie. And a big one, too. It would just show what a goddamn chicken I am. I wanna email her again and tell her that I am sorry for my clumsy responses, but that this is all that can be expected from a "virgin" like me, and that I am excited, yet scared out of my mind. But that would be taking things too far, too fast, and too seriously, and I don't want to leave such an impression either. I want for a deep dark hole to open in front of me and swallow me whole - though I realize that in such a situation this sentence can be interpreted in all the wrong ways just as well... *laughs*
Why am I trippin', you wonder? I guess I haven't mentioned that after visiting them at their record store we are invited over to their place to hang out and watch videos. Without knowing anything about later tonight, I am scared to death that a) nothing will happen at all and once again I will be left feeling like an idiot for extending unreturned affection, and b) I am scared that something will happen... something... any bloody thing at all.
Not to mention that the mere thought of anything remotely girly happening (- not particulary tonight, I mean in general) with Mr. Austrostar present is giving me the heeby-jeebies. Much as I am attracted to her, he makes any hint of a sexual thought go away before it can even come to the surface. I admire people like Kim who can apparently look beyond the appearance of men and love them for who they are, and I do think that he is an awesome character - but at least 300 lbs. extra on an old guy don't really get my juices going at all, if you know what I mean. Yet at the same time I understand - much as I want for The Fiancé to be around lest it be cheating on him, she operates on quite the same basis. An eye for an eye.
Alas... I should probably relax and prepare for a nice evening watching American television. Or is that a naive notion?
Since Saturday Kim and I have been text messaging and emailing. They make the impression that they are looking forward to meeting us again just as much as we are, and this feels very good and refreshing. However... panic is spreading within me like a nasty disease. She has started to flirt with me via email, and from the moment I read "well, I'll just be really nice to you tonight, so you can forget about your day" in an email today, I have a) made a fool out of myself by composing idiotic and stumbling-over-my-own-words nervous response emails to which she seemed to react a bit offended, and b) my stomach is suddenly making nasty blubbering noises, paired with painful cramping, which I blame on her revelation of "niceness" 100%.
So I am sitting here, trying to put what exactly I am feeling right now into words, but somehow the right description doesn't come to me. I wanna call up The Fiancé and tell him that I am feeling sick and that I don't wanna go. But that would be a lie. And a big one, too. It would just show what a goddamn chicken I am. I wanna email her again and tell her that I am sorry for my clumsy responses, but that this is all that can be expected from a "virgin" like me, and that I am excited, yet scared out of my mind. But that would be taking things too far, too fast, and too seriously, and I don't want to leave such an impression either. I want for a deep dark hole to open in front of me and swallow me whole - though I realize that in such a situation this sentence can be interpreted in all the wrong ways just as well... *laughs*
Why am I trippin', you wonder? I guess I haven't mentioned that after visiting them at their record store we are invited over to their place to hang out and watch videos. Without knowing anything about later tonight, I am scared to death that a) nothing will happen at all and once again I will be left feeling like an idiot for extending unreturned affection, and b) I am scared that something will happen... something... any bloody thing at all.
Not to mention that the mere thought of anything remotely girly happening (- not particulary tonight, I mean in general) with Mr. Austrostar present is giving me the heeby-jeebies. Much as I am attracted to her, he makes any hint of a sexual thought go away before it can even come to the surface. I admire people like Kim who can apparently look beyond the appearance of men and love them for who they are, and I do think that he is an awesome character - but at least 300 lbs. extra on an old guy don't really get my juices going at all, if you know what I mean. Yet at the same time I understand - much as I want for The Fiancé to be around lest it be cheating on him, she operates on quite the same basis. An eye for an eye.
Alas... I should probably relax and prepare for a nice evening watching American television. Or is that a naive notion?
