Tuesday, October 04, 2005
A Male Embrace...
It turned out to be a decent evening, with no reason to be overly nervous about. We ended up watching an unfinished and unedited film of his band... him on a chair, The Fiancé and I on the couch... and Kim and I tentatively snuggled together on the couch as well.
Tentatively... shoulder to shoulder, that is.
I have to admit, I didn't feel 100% comfortable, and found myself seeking out physical contact with The Fiancé at the same time, even though I liked just lounging around with her like that. I kept my feet on his lap, feeling him sort of as an anchor to everything I am used to and feel comfortable with.
I wouldn't have minded getting a bit more cuddly with her, but I guess the #1 factor that made me feel so uneasy was Mr. Austrostar's presence. I guess I just don't want something so important to my life to be lecherously observed by a male that I do not know and am physically quite disgusted with, and the last thing I felt like doing was to make a show out of something so personal and important to a stranger.
I guess it could be different, if I had already made my experiences before, and know what I am getting into. But as it is, even cuddling with a girl on the couch is so new and exciting to me, that I feel like a little teenager experiencing a "first time this" and "first time that" all over again. I am much too insecure with myself in this regard than to do anything in front of a stranger.
Heck... even she is a stranger to me.
I guess I really want to take things slow. We had a fun evening and it seems like a friendship can truly develop from this. The Fiancé seems to be getting along great with Mr. Austrostar, and I really like his character and attitude as well. I would like to spend more time with both of them, but when I think about taking things a bit further with her, I really want this to be a private and intimate thing between her, me, and The Fiancé. Or just her and me alone. Of course I do not know what their couple-policy is on this, but I am not in a rush to find out at the moment. If anything, I'll just go with the flow, and see whatever is comfortable. We hugged quite intensely and flirtatiously when we said our good-byes later that evening, and I was quite happy with that.
We made love later, in the comfortable familiarity of our bedroom. It was beautiful as it hadn't been for quite some time now. I held on to his maleness and roughness on top of me like a drowning person to a life saver. The familiarity of his male body, the confidence and experience I have with handling it. The heaviness of it, his manly scent. All that to divert from the intense confusion I felt yesterday, even though I felt so comfy and cuddly with her, happy that I finally got to know someone who seems equally interested in me as I am in her.
I am a bit diappointed with these confused physical sensations. I wanted for her to just have her way with me, yet at the same time the thought of an actual flesh-and-blood girl caressing me the way I have so often fantasized about raised every single hair on the back of my neck, now that I was finally faced with the possibility. I am not sure what to make of this, but I am looking forward to further explorations.
Tentatively... shoulder to shoulder, that is.
I have to admit, I didn't feel 100% comfortable, and found myself seeking out physical contact with The Fiancé at the same time, even though I liked just lounging around with her like that. I kept my feet on his lap, feeling him sort of as an anchor to everything I am used to and feel comfortable with.
I wouldn't have minded getting a bit more cuddly with her, but I guess the #1 factor that made me feel so uneasy was Mr. Austrostar's presence. I guess I just don't want something so important to my life to be lecherously observed by a male that I do not know and am physically quite disgusted with, and the last thing I felt like doing was to make a show out of something so personal and important to a stranger.
I guess it could be different, if I had already made my experiences before, and know what I am getting into. But as it is, even cuddling with a girl on the couch is so new and exciting to me, that I feel like a little teenager experiencing a "first time this" and "first time that" all over again. I am much too insecure with myself in this regard than to do anything in front of a stranger.
Heck... even she is a stranger to me.
I guess I really want to take things slow. We had a fun evening and it seems like a friendship can truly develop from this. The Fiancé seems to be getting along great with Mr. Austrostar, and I really like his character and attitude as well. I would like to spend more time with both of them, but when I think about taking things a bit further with her, I really want this to be a private and intimate thing between her, me, and The Fiancé. Or just her and me alone. Of course I do not know what their couple-policy is on this, but I am not in a rush to find out at the moment. If anything, I'll just go with the flow, and see whatever is comfortable. We hugged quite intensely and flirtatiously when we said our good-byes later that evening, and I was quite happy with that.
We made love later, in the comfortable familiarity of our bedroom. It was beautiful as it hadn't been for quite some time now. I held on to his maleness and roughness on top of me like a drowning person to a life saver. The familiarity of his male body, the confidence and experience I have with handling it. The heaviness of it, his manly scent. All that to divert from the intense confusion I felt yesterday, even though I felt so comfy and cuddly with her, happy that I finally got to know someone who seems equally interested in me as I am in her.
I am a bit diappointed with these confused physical sensations. I wanted for her to just have her way with me, yet at the same time the thought of an actual flesh-and-blood girl caressing me the way I have so often fantasized about raised every single hair on the back of my neck, now that I was finally faced with the possibility. I am not sure what to make of this, but I am looking forward to further explorations.
Comments:
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hmm, sounds like a very interesting relationship dynamic growing there. Just remember that you do have the right to set your own boundaries and can walk away if the situation is not going to be something you feel 100% comfortable with.
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