Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Change, and I don't care
Okay... the first change, which is less significant to the topic at hand, but significant to you, dear reader, is that I have changed the settings of my comments, so now you will have to confirm by typing in a word provided in graphic form by the system. I have been getting comment spam lately, and since I do not know of a way in Blogger to ban certain IPs, I am trying it this way. If this isn't going to help, I will either turn off comments completely, or set them to registered Blogger users only. I would hate to do that though, so let's see if the word confirmation will help, for now.
Now, about the real change: I have/am in the process of breaking off contact to Kim and Mr. Austrostar. The exact reasons of which I cannot really pinpoint. It may be because when I went to rehearsal with Mr. Austrostar I felt extremely uncomfortable, out of place, and most of all: pushed to do things I didn't want to do. When I say "I will not sing", then it means "I will not sing", and no amounts of "awe, but you were good", "you were doing a great job", and "awe, c'mon" will change that. I do not like people who cannot/don't want to accept a "no" for what it is, and when I left and I heard "so we'll see you on stage behind a microphone on Saturday, end of story" it broke the camel's back as far as I was concerned. The music in itself isn't anything I would privately listen to, but that would have been something to ignore, to live with, if all the other circumstances would have been okay.
This wasn't so much Mr. Austrostar's fault, more the one of the girls in the band, but he didn't help me out much... not at all, to tell the truth. It has been a while since I felt so out of place with people, and what it all boils down to is that I do not want to spend the little spare time that I have doing something I am not comfortable with, and that I have to fight with myself over, to get myself to do it. So when I couldn't reach Kim on the phone on Saturday, and nobody replied to my text messages regarding the concert either, I decided not to put too much effort into trying to get in touch with any of them, and just stayed at home instead - feeling hugely relieved and satisfied.
To tell you the truth - I liked Kim and I wouldn't have minded having some fun with her, but the more often I met her, the less sexually attracted I felt to her. She is just so... goddamn cute, little fluffy bunny kind of cute, and cute litte fluffy bunnies are the last thing I am sexually aroused by.
And of course the arrangement of Mr. Austrostar needing to be present during "action" at all times never sat too well with me from the beginning. I am not a show girl, and I don't want to be made feel like one. The thought of having him watch and most likely get sexually aroused by whatever I am doing for myself gives me the heebie-jeebies like few other things I can imagine would. So there are times when, despite wide open doors of opportunity, one has to know when to close one again without walking through. This experience I am waiting so desperately for is not something I want to rush, and then have happen under conditions that I do not agree with, and cannot submit myself to. It will happen, when the time is right, and only under conditions and circumstances that I am 100% comfortable with, not 1% less.
That, at least, I owe to myself. Due to my nature, I am now having a second chance at a "first time", and I will not let this one happen the way I carelessly and thoughtlessly rushed through the other one - but that is a story that I may talk about another time.
Now, about the real change: I have/am in the process of breaking off contact to Kim and Mr. Austrostar. The exact reasons of which I cannot really pinpoint. It may be because when I went to rehearsal with Mr. Austrostar I felt extremely uncomfortable, out of place, and most of all: pushed to do things I didn't want to do. When I say "I will not sing", then it means "I will not sing", and no amounts of "awe, but you were good", "you were doing a great job", and "awe, c'mon" will change that. I do not like people who cannot/don't want to accept a "no" for what it is, and when I left and I heard "so we'll see you on stage behind a microphone on Saturday, end of story" it broke the camel's back as far as I was concerned. The music in itself isn't anything I would privately listen to, but that would have been something to ignore, to live with, if all the other circumstances would have been okay.
This wasn't so much Mr. Austrostar's fault, more the one of the girls in the band, but he didn't help me out much... not at all, to tell the truth. It has been a while since I felt so out of place with people, and what it all boils down to is that I do not want to spend the little spare time that I have doing something I am not comfortable with, and that I have to fight with myself over, to get myself to do it. So when I couldn't reach Kim on the phone on Saturday, and nobody replied to my text messages regarding the concert either, I decided not to put too much effort into trying to get in touch with any of them, and just stayed at home instead - feeling hugely relieved and satisfied.
To tell you the truth - I liked Kim and I wouldn't have minded having some fun with her, but the more often I met her, the less sexually attracted I felt to her. She is just so... goddamn cute, little fluffy bunny kind of cute, and cute litte fluffy bunnies are the last thing I am sexually aroused by.
And of course the arrangement of Mr. Austrostar needing to be present during "action" at all times never sat too well with me from the beginning. I am not a show girl, and I don't want to be made feel like one. The thought of having him watch and most likely get sexually aroused by whatever I am doing for myself gives me the heebie-jeebies like few other things I can imagine would. So there are times when, despite wide open doors of opportunity, one has to know when to close one again without walking through. This experience I am waiting so desperately for is not something I want to rush, and then have happen under conditions that I do not agree with, and cannot submit myself to. It will happen, when the time is right, and only under conditions and circumstances that I am 100% comfortable with, not 1% less.
That, at least, I owe to myself. Due to my nature, I am now having a second chance at a "first time", and I will not let this one happen the way I carelessly and thoughtlessly rushed through the other one - but that is a story that I may talk about another time.
Comments:
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heebie jeepies
that's what i was getting. that guy is creepy and i have never met him, but my intuition was all red flags when i first read that you were going to do this.
that was not the band for you, the woman for you, nope.
it screamed yuck.
you need something normal, some normal girl, some normal band, not weirdness. you make you're own excitement.
that's what i was getting. that guy is creepy and i have never met him, but my intuition was all red flags when i first read that you were going to do this.
that was not the band for you, the woman for you, nope.
it screamed yuck.
you need something normal, some normal girl, some normal band, not weirdness. you make you're own excitement.
# posted by 
: 9:54 PM
: 9:54 PM
um, yeah. what she said. austrostar gave me the creeps too. :( i just want you to feel comfy in your own skin, at all times.
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# posted by : 9:40 PM
: 9:40 PM << Home
