That's me.

Especially if you've been reading this blog for a while, or know what inspired this.

I had this thought, since I am leaving this country, this continent, and basically have nothing to lose, I would like for Jo to know what she did for me, what she inspired. I would like to be able to tell her, as some sort of closure I feel I need before I leave this country. I would like to thank her for what she caused me to do with my life, because now I feel much more at ease with myself, much more myself than I ever did before. Whole. Because I now have what it takes to do what I need to do in order to fulfill every part of me, every side of me. And I like to think of Jo as the one who flipped that switch in my brain, and despite the fact that I don't know the least thing about her and who she is, and have talked with her no more than 2 times, I will hold her in highest regards for this for the rest of my life.

So since I do not have her email address (and I am much better with the written word than with the spoken), I had to get over myself and get in contact with her the only way I can: call her.

Now you put yourself in her shoes... getting a phone call out of nowhere, after 9 months of absolutely no contact at all, from a person you've spoken with only twice in your life on rather superficial occasions, being asked out for coffee.

Boy, was my heart beating. Was I sweating. My palms so wet I could barely hold on to my cell phone. The phone was ringing on the other end. I was praying for the answering machine. And finally... the answering machine. Relief. I started to babble... introduce myself, see if she still remembers me... explaining my move to Europe and how I wanna meet some people once more before I leave... and while I was in the middle of my repeatedly rehearsed sentence of asking her out for coffee, all of a sudden I hear a click on the other end, and a sleepy voice saying "Who is this?"

"Ummm... this is ****, you know... your friend's friend's girlfriend? We met at Halloween..."
"OH! Yes! Hi! I was like... who in the hell is this... I heard the accent and some talk about going to Europe and I knew the voice but I didn't know who it was... so I had to pick up!"

That's where the conscious part of me fainted and my brain started to operate on emergency power.

Her voice! Her sweet cheerful voice... I thought I would have things under control, I was over my crazy infatuation, but the second I heard her speak, it was over. I melted to a puddle on the floor, and my ability to form cohererent sentences was reduced dramatically. My speech sped up significantly, and I started to stumble over my own words. Gee, make yourself look like an idiot in an already weird and totally out of the blue phone call, why dontcha.

I managed to get through some small talk without awkward breaks, and I managed to ask her out for coffee, and she said... she said... "Yes, absolutely, I would love to see you before you leave!"

We agreed on Friday afternoon, and she gave me her cell phone number.

I am exhilarated, and I am terrified. I will get to see this woman again, once more in my life, and I will have my chance at telling her all these things I have been pathetically and secretly blogging anonymously about on here. I will get my chance to sit her down, look into her sapphire blue eyes, and tell her thank you for flipping my switch and giving me the courage to pursue who I really am.

WHAT?????????

Do you really think I will have the guts to tell her that from the second I saw her I had a crush on her, and that ever since then I have come to terms with my latent bisexuality and pursued it and came partly out of the closet and it's all because of her????

Shite, if she'd call the cops on me to take me away I wouldn't be surprised.

How do I tell a beautiful woman like that something so huge like this, and not lose my face? How do I tell a beautiful woman like that who hasn't had any contact with me for 9 months that I have a huge crush on her despite not knowing anything about her? How do I tell a beautiful woman like that who I don't even know of if she likes women or what her stand on bi-/homosexuality is that she opened that door to myself and made me walk through it without ever knowing that she did? How do I tell her that I will forever think of her as my muse to my own true self?

How?

I am scared that I won't find it within me to step up to her and say any or all of this. I am scared that after I got myself to contact her after all this time, I will let her slip away without taking my chance of closure that I need for myself, with all these emotions and words bottled up inside of me destined to be there forever from now on.

I have nothing to lose, even if she laughs at me, or storms out on me, at least I will know that I have done something about it, that I had the courage to at least try instead of leaving this country with my tail between my legs and wondering forever what if. I will be at peace with myself, and that's what I crave most right now.

Of course there are these fantasies of me stumbling around, fumbling for words, and her suddenly putting her hands on mine and quieting me with a sudden soft kiss... but this is stuff that happens only in Hollywood, and I am not delusioning myself on what's going to happen. I better brace myself for a negative reaction at best. But at least I will get one more chance to be in the same room with her, see what she sees, breathe the air she breathes, lose myself in her sapphire eyes and her bright smile and laughter... if only for a little bit.

I wonder if there will ever be another woman like her in my life, someone to hold me so completely in her spell, someone to captivate me so totally with a gaze, a small graceful motion. Someone to drown out everything around me the way she does with the sound of her voice, someone to hold me at the tip of her finger, ready for whatever she desires, if only she would say a word.

If only she would say a word...