Knowing that I would get to see Jo last night together with The Fiancé and The Hostess, I sat down and prepared a letter for her before we left, containing pretty much everything I wanted to tell her over coffee. I was intent on slipping it to her when we hugged goodbye, if I wouldn't get a chance to speak with her privately before that.

So we got to The Hostess' house, where both of them were already waiting, watching a movie. She was sitting on the couch, wearing a corset-looking beautiful shirt and jeans, and I realized that this was the first time that I actually saw her in regular clothes, as opposed to a Halloween costume. Her black hair had grown out way over her shoulders, but her captivating all-encompassing smile was still the same, and so was the sparkle in her sapphire eyes when she got up to greet both of us with a hug.

When she embraced me I couldn't help but close my eyes, trying not to suck in my breath. I wished for time to stop, for the moment to last just a little bit longer. There she was... after 9 months of not seeing her and me lusting after her and longing for her... hugging me warmly and friendly, and all I could hope for was that she wouldn't feel the crazy beat of my heart against her chest. So beautiful. She took my breath away just like she did when I first met her.

I never got to speak privately with her. And I never slipped her the letter, either.

And I feel it is better this way, I feel like I have done the right thing. I didn't get to do what I so desperately wanted to do, wanted to let her know... but I am still feeling good, I am still feeling like I got the closure I wanted, and I am still proud of myself for having taken the step of contacting her in the first place.

I got to see her, I got to realize that my mind has erected a pedestal for her that was not based on reality, and I got the chance to let the thought of her go in my own mind. Don't get me wrong... everything about her is still stunning and beautiful and utterly captivating... but at the same time I do not feel like I am walking around a Godess anymore, who needs to be worshipped and adored. That was all a creation of my mind, and I was glad that I will be able to leave this country without having an icon figure in my head who nobody will ever be able to live up to, but a normal, regular stunningly beautiful girl who is no more divine than you or me.

The reason why I decided not to let her know?

A small comment dropped by her in the car, about this year's Erotica LA, where she apparently got to work at. She said: "There was nothing out of the ordinary at the Erotica, nothing crazy... but this year they had a whole gay section, and you know... that's kind of where I draw the line."

She draws the line with gay people.

I would lie if I said that her comment didn't feel like a small stab with an ice pickle, and that I am not disappointed. She made a very different impression on me before, and even yesterday I got very confusing signals from her. I thought she was this really open-minded crazy girl who's probably had more than her share of all kinds of experiences, but I guess that was also part of the foundation of the pedestal I erected for her.

But that was also the moment when I decided to let it go. Watching her through the rear-view mirror I finally had to smile to myself, came to terms with myself. I still believe that people who have influenced another human being so profoundly has she has with me, people who have such an impact on another person's life whether they know that they did or not, deserve to know about it. Jo has made a huge impact in my life, and in a very positive way that I thought she should be aware of it. We tend to always tell people the bad stuff that they do, tend to rub it into their faces when they mess up, but we rarely ever bother to compliment them, or to tell them about the good things they did. I wanted her to know what a good thing she did for me, and that I will be forever thankful for that, and that I will forever hold her in highest regards in my memories for it... I believed she should know that she has made a big difference in somebody's life, even if that somebody is a total stranger to her.

But at the same time I realized that such knowlegde might not be the blessing it is intended to be, to the person who receives it, especially if the topic is something that she is not comfortable with. I didn't want to burden her with something that might make her feel weird or awkward, so I just took in her view through the rear-view mirror, and let her go, once and for all.

She'll always be in my heart in this special little way, and as long as I know what she did and will never forget about it, that's good enough for me. She doesn't have to know. I know it, and I will carry this knowledge with me in my heart until the day I die, and that's how we shall remain forever.