Many things are.

My education... my graduation... my parents' visit... my desire to stay in this country... my passion for things I used to be so passionate about.

Huh?

My parents' visit turned out to be really nice, despite all my fears and worries. We had the "dreaded talk" about my plans regarding my stay in this country and pursuing my dreams of a career in the music business, and much to my surprise, my parents showed themselves if not supportive at least understanding.

Besides that we did the tourist thing here in LA... seen a few things they haven't seen before, and revisited other stuff they wanted to see again. All in all it was a blast, and they got a chance to see The Fiancé and I together, observe how we are like as a couple. They got to talk with him - in limited ways due to their lack of skill in the English language - and to pick his brain a little bit. At one time we found ourselves in the middle of an animated talk about our wedding, and our family plans. The Fiancé's views on child rearing seemed to really have impressed both of my parents, and the way they interacted with him in general during this week just made my heart melt, and made me yearn for having them in my life again more frequently and regularly.

Their verdict on him and I as a couple, and future marital partners: "You two are good together. And kudos to him for still being with you after 2 years. He seems to have a talent at being able to handle you and your moods - and I doubt there are very many men out there who would put up with you."

Gee, thanks Mom.

I did get some weird satisfaction out of her comment about my sister and her long-distance relationship with Roomie#E, though: "They don't fit together. I don't see how this is working at all." (What have I been saying all along??? But of course... when I say stuff like that, people take it as an offense, and I am the bitch... as usual.)

So for this brief week I had all my family here together. Everybody. Including my future husband... and my sister's boyfriend, who is like a brother to The Fiancé. The first thing my mother said to The Fiancé on the day they arrived was: "Hello, son-in-law." They got along so well with each other, especially my dad and him seemed to click on some weird male-bonding level... and when we dropped them off at the airport last Friday, their departure broke my heart.

And not only that. Much more importantly: it made me reconsider my plans entirely. Their visit paired with that phone call I got informing me that my visa is running out this very month, along with that visit to this immigration lawyer who pretty much destroyed all our hopes to adjust The Fiancé's status to a legal one, along with my sudden feeling of being without a purpose now that school is over, and my intense desire to start my own family was enough to suddenly abandon all my plans and commitments to this great band we are having, and this extraordinary life style that is closer within my grasp than ever.

My passionate love and devotion to this band and my intense dislike of my homecountry and its inhabitants' mentality and culture vs. all the hassle and money to extend my own visa and our desire for stability and my need to be around my family again.

Not to mention the fact that our economical situation is very, very bad right now, with no chance of improvement anytime soon. I am too ashamed to tell you on how much money a week we are currently trying to survive, so suffice it to say that these days I go to bed hungry almost every day, wake up even hungrier, and feel guilty about making a $1 hot dog from 7-11 my meal of the day, because it means $1 less for gas to get The Fiancé to and from work.

I am 26 years old... I have a college degree... I should NOT be living like this.

So all of a sudden I find myself in the middle of long and intense talks and discussions with The Fiancé about our further proceedings, all of them revolving around the obvious logic of leaving this country - and as soon as humanely possible. Going back to our original plans that were so drastically and suddenly altered, when this band started to draw so much attention, and this door opened itself in front of me, leading to an entirely different and exciting life that nobody I know has the chance to lead. A once in a lifetime opportunity.

Am I closing this door on myself now with a slam? Am I about to pack up and leave?

It's situations like these when I wish I was a little child again, with an adult making decisions for me. I wish desperately for somebody to just walk up to me, tell me what to do, and I better do it or else. But of course this isn't about to happen. I am the adult now, I am 100% responsible for my own decisions, and if it turns out to be the wrong one I have no other scapegoat to blame than myself. That's what I am scared of the most. The "what if"... the certainty that I will blame myself until the day I die, should I end up unhappy in my homecountry the way I was until the day I finally left it, and/or should the band win the lottery and make it afterall - without me.

And of course there is The Fiancé, who has been extremely homesick ever since last winter, with bouts of extreme depression. He was ready to go, he had his mind and heart set on it - but then he sacrificed his own wishes for me, knowing that I wasn't ready to leave this country yet, knowing that I needed to give this other thing a try first before I could ever be happy, and even supporting it and helping it along with all his skill and enthusiasm, completely abandoning what he wanted for himself - for me. I feel like I owe him a sacrifice in return now...

Our original plans... getting our degrees, leaving for Mexico to be with his family for a while, a couple of months maybe... then heading for Austria. Be there before Christmas. Sure, things change. Circumstances change. For instants he never got his degree yet... he still has one more semester to go, which we didn't plan on before.

But things can also be fixed - so he will try to get his degree from the college he has gone to before... he fulfilled all graduation requirements there, he just transferred because they didn't offer him the program he wanted. With this in mind, he can probably apply for graduation there still, and not have to do another lecture anymore at either college... so there are possibilites... the only question is WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?

I am extremely depressed right now. Worried. Homesick. Uncertain. Afraid. Irritable. I don't sleep well, and if I do sleep I am haunted by nightmares that bring my worries of the day straight into my nights as well. I still have my beloved sister here. She means emotional support, and she means reality check. But she is leaving in 3 days. I don't know how I will handle being alone here again after having my entire family here.

She said to me: "Staying here and trying to make it with music is like waiting to win the lottery."

And I don't play the lottery. I don't believe in lotteries. I am with Tom Leykis on this one... "I consider the lottery to be moron tax". Where does that leave me, then?