Thursday, April 07, 2005
What happened.
Nothing.
This is basically the summary of last Thursday in West Hollywood, which I realize I haven't given to my readers yet.
Disappointed? Yeah, me too.
Well, ok, let's backtrack. It was actually nice. A real nice evening. I have never been to a gay bar before, so it was a rather liberating feeling for me to be among people who won't feel weirded out or offended if I openly stare at them, even if they sport a vagina. It felt amazing to be able to freely check out women, and be checked out by women. I noticed an evaluating gaze or two on me, yes, aside from those that The Fiancé pointed out to me. It was the most sexually charged place I have ever been to... especially the dancefloor: guys making out with girls, guys making out with guys, girls making out with girls, everywhere. I felt like a stepped into some sort of parallel universe, where this sort of "thing" is okay, and accepted and practiced by everybody.
You have to remember that I am usually living in a world that's biased and prejudiced against homosexuality, where I have to be careful who I out myself to. This is all new land for me. Bear with me.
You see, at first I felt really shy and insecure. It's like learning the whole flirting and teasing thing all over again, only from a different perspective. Everytime I noticed a girl looking at me, I simply wasn't able to hold her gaze for longer than it took me to notice that I was being looked at. It was infuriating me, because with guys I don't feel these sorts of inhibitions and shyness. As a matter of fact, I was being approached by no less than three guys during the course of the evening, which was exasperating - I wasn't there to hook up with any penis-bearer, but that seemed to be all the attention I would get for a while.
As the evening went on though I noticed that I got a bit bolder. I threw myself into the mass of people on the dancefloor, and that's where I managed to loosen up a bit. I noticed one girl searching eye contact with me quite obviously, and once I forced myself to hold her gaze for about three seconds (and three seconds can be a very long time) and got a sweet smile out of her, the ice was broken. Not that she approached me, though, for all her smiling at me. She was there with her girlfriend, and once I caught that one shooting me with invisible arrows from her eyes, so I turned away.
There was this one girl who had caught my attention pretty much ever since I entered the bar. She was rather tall (and being tall is one of the prerequisites you have to fulfill if you want to attract my attention at all), almost pretty - and she kept looking and smiling at me everytime she passed me by or I happened to pass her by.
Now brace yourself, hold on to something - we are rapidly approaching the highlight of the evening: once she was passing me by, being lead onto the dancefloor by another woman, and in the crowd of people she had to squish herself past me, literally. However, she didn't just squish past me. She rubbed herself past me, and her hand went onto my thigh, gently brushed all around it, until it landed on my butt, where it remained for a short while, then lightly squeezed me in a way that sent little electric shocks all the way from my buttocks to my brain. I turned around to her as she was already past me, and caught her smiling at me, her hand still in the hand of the woman about to dance with her, and in a sudden and unsuspected rage of boldness I smiled back and winked at her.
I winked at a woman!
I winked at a woman in a very unmistakable way!
Then I almost fainted with exhaustion, that wink took so much out of me.
When she came back the scenario almost repeated, only this time she didn't squeeze my buttocks, but rubbed my bare arms and said something that sounded like "hello there gorgeous", and I was too caught off guard that I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything back to her.
And that was that. By the time I have won my inner battle and was ready to approach her, she was already gone.
And that was when I saw The Fiancé's best friend (let's just assign a "name" to her now... I have a feeling I will mention her a few more times here) Chica in the arms of the girl I previously saw her dancing with, making out, probably not being phased by a nuclear bomb dropping right next to her. I went to look for The Fiancé, and found him slumped into a couch, tired and exhausted from the day, ready to leave. Now it was on me to interrupt Chica's obvious fun, and after a few fruitless taps on her shoulders she finally noticed my presence, exchanged phone numbers with that other girl, and we left.
Turns out that The Fiancé had a phone number of some guy in his pocket, too.
And who didn't get anything of that sort?
Yeah.
So I was pretty bummed out, feeling like a failure, feeling unattractive, and socially inept. Chica was completely hyper and giddy, and The Fiancé fell asleep in the car on the way to drop her off. Chica's incessant talking and giggling about the evening helped me to get over feeling bummed out a little bit, mostly because I was genuinely happy for her. She is new to experiencing these things just as much as I am, and I was happy that she found someone to live it out with, even if I didn't. I agreed to going again tonight.
But ever since then I have mixed feelings about that. And especially since The Fiancé made it known to me in his cute half-asleep voice that "mmmm... I might get me some ass tomorrow" when he fell asleep with his butt on my arm (don't ask) last night. Why? Because I can already see it happening: Chica set up a date with her girl from last week for tonight... and The Fiancé isn't exactly shy and inhibited when it comes to meeting new people, either. And he will find some fun tonight, if he has his mind set on it. I won't. I can set my mind on something all I want, and it isn't happening, because I am completely socially dysfunctional. I guess I am just selfish, and don't wanna be the fifth wheel tonight, because I am not able to take what I want for myself. As last week has already proven.
But whatever happened or didn't happen last week... at any rate it is yet another step on my way to myself, another step on the ladder that I set this blog up for in the first place. And I am proud of myself for taking it.
This is basically the summary of last Thursday in West Hollywood, which I realize I haven't given to my readers yet.
Disappointed? Yeah, me too.
Well, ok, let's backtrack. It was actually nice. A real nice evening. I have never been to a gay bar before, so it was a rather liberating feeling for me to be among people who won't feel weirded out or offended if I openly stare at them, even if they sport a vagina. It felt amazing to be able to freely check out women, and be checked out by women. I noticed an evaluating gaze or two on me, yes, aside from those that The Fiancé pointed out to me. It was the most sexually charged place I have ever been to... especially the dancefloor: guys making out with girls, guys making out with guys, girls making out with girls, everywhere. I felt like a stepped into some sort of parallel universe, where this sort of "thing" is okay, and accepted and practiced by everybody.
You have to remember that I am usually living in a world that's biased and prejudiced against homosexuality, where I have to be careful who I out myself to. This is all new land for me. Bear with me.
You see, at first I felt really shy and insecure. It's like learning the whole flirting and teasing thing all over again, only from a different perspective. Everytime I noticed a girl looking at me, I simply wasn't able to hold her gaze for longer than it took me to notice that I was being looked at. It was infuriating me, because with guys I don't feel these sorts of inhibitions and shyness. As a matter of fact, I was being approached by no less than three guys during the course of the evening, which was exasperating - I wasn't there to hook up with any penis-bearer, but that seemed to be all the attention I would get for a while.
As the evening went on though I noticed that I got a bit bolder. I threw myself into the mass of people on the dancefloor, and that's where I managed to loosen up a bit. I noticed one girl searching eye contact with me quite obviously, and once I forced myself to hold her gaze for about three seconds (and three seconds can be a very long time) and got a sweet smile out of her, the ice was broken. Not that she approached me, though, for all her smiling at me. She was there with her girlfriend, and once I caught that one shooting me with invisible arrows from her eyes, so I turned away.
There was this one girl who had caught my attention pretty much ever since I entered the bar. She was rather tall (and being tall is one of the prerequisites you have to fulfill if you want to attract my attention at all), almost pretty - and she kept looking and smiling at me everytime she passed me by or I happened to pass her by.
Now brace yourself, hold on to something - we are rapidly approaching the highlight of the evening: once she was passing me by, being lead onto the dancefloor by another woman, and in the crowd of people she had to squish herself past me, literally. However, she didn't just squish past me. She rubbed herself past me, and her hand went onto my thigh, gently brushed all around it, until it landed on my butt, where it remained for a short while, then lightly squeezed me in a way that sent little electric shocks all the way from my buttocks to my brain. I turned around to her as she was already past me, and caught her smiling at me, her hand still in the hand of the woman about to dance with her, and in a sudden and unsuspected rage of boldness I smiled back and winked at her.
I winked at a woman!
I winked at a woman in a very unmistakable way!
Then I almost fainted with exhaustion, that wink took so much out of me.
When she came back the scenario almost repeated, only this time she didn't squeeze my buttocks, but rubbed my bare arms and said something that sounded like "hello there gorgeous", and I was too caught off guard that I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything back to her.
And that was that. By the time I have won my inner battle and was ready to approach her, she was already gone.
And that was when I saw The Fiancé's best friend (let's just assign a "name" to her now... I have a feeling I will mention her a few more times here) Chica in the arms of the girl I previously saw her dancing with, making out, probably not being phased by a nuclear bomb dropping right next to her. I went to look for The Fiancé, and found him slumped into a couch, tired and exhausted from the day, ready to leave. Now it was on me to interrupt Chica's obvious fun, and after a few fruitless taps on her shoulders she finally noticed my presence, exchanged phone numbers with that other girl, and we left.
Turns out that The Fiancé had a phone number of some guy in his pocket, too.
And who didn't get anything of that sort?
Yeah.
So I was pretty bummed out, feeling like a failure, feeling unattractive, and socially inept. Chica was completely hyper and giddy, and The Fiancé fell asleep in the car on the way to drop her off. Chica's incessant talking and giggling about the evening helped me to get over feeling bummed out a little bit, mostly because I was genuinely happy for her. She is new to experiencing these things just as much as I am, and I was happy that she found someone to live it out with, even if I didn't. I agreed to going again tonight.
But ever since then I have mixed feelings about that. And especially since The Fiancé made it known to me in his cute half-asleep voice that "mmmm... I might get me some ass tomorrow" when he fell asleep with his butt on my arm (don't ask) last night. Why? Because I can already see it happening: Chica set up a date with her girl from last week for tonight... and The Fiancé isn't exactly shy and inhibited when it comes to meeting new people, either. And he will find some fun tonight, if he has his mind set on it. I won't. I can set my mind on something all I want, and it isn't happening, because I am completely socially dysfunctional. I guess I am just selfish, and don't wanna be the fifth wheel tonight, because I am not able to take what I want for myself. As last week has already proven.
But whatever happened or didn't happen last week... at any rate it is yet another step on my way to myself, another step on the ladder that I set this blog up for in the first place. And I am proud of myself for taking it.
