Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Rant...
My cousin had her appointment for her abortion scheduled last night 1am. I was going to blog about it last night, I had this whole long thing thought out about that innocent life that will now never be because of someone's utter stupid responsibility. I was really fired up to do it too, since I read two different entries on other blogs about abortion and "saying goodbye early" (as they call it) when the baby is diagnosed sick prenatally. I ranted my heart out about my cousin to the poor Fiancé in the car, stuck in traffic, for a good half hour without as much as taking a breath inbetween. Good came out of it though - I realized him and I are very much on the same page when it comes to this issue.
So I had my first sentence typed in here... when I got side tracked with band practice - and pizza. Then it was too late. And today all I can really focus on is how goddamn PISSED I am at The Fiancé, that I can't really think of much else besides that.
All I can see aside from pulsating blood red in the corner of my eyes is that I am running myself ragged to accomodate to him, completely disregarding my own time and my own needs on a daily basis, to enable him to work with his schedule. I drive him to work, to school, to his second job, to business meetings, to the printer he works with, to any other goddamn thing that's on his daily agenda. I sit through boring business meetings with him, I wait in the car on the street for however long it takes him to take care of whatever he has to take care of, I am stuck in traffic for hours on our ways, I get under a lot of pressure with my own work because I don't have enough time to finish it all, and I completely neglect school over all of this, because a day only has so many hours. I don't get enough sleep... not enough for me to function properly anyways, and more than on occasion I have caught myself falling asleep at the steering wheel and catching myself before I cause an accident. I mass-produce graphics in the few hours I have at home, and ask for more and more, because we don't have enough money to pay all our bills and debts, and two HUGE payments are coming up rapidly that I don't know how to come up with the money for, unless a miracle's going to happen. I lobby to get some web work under my wings, because it pays good, not because I enjoy doing it. Matter of fact, I have come to HATE doing web work for clients, but I don't complain. I ask for more work. And even more, because I want to make some extra money so I can buy The Fiancé's parents plane tickets so they can come to their son's graduation in June, and because I know how much it gets him down knowing that they cannot afford the trip on their own. Heck, right now I am even making more money than him, and still it's not enough. It's never enough. But it has to be done. All of this. And I do it. And I don't usually complain about it. Why? Because I fucking LOVE him, and that's what people who love each other do for each other. I don't question any of this, I just go ahead and accomodate as well as I can.
Fuck this, I am so happy everytime I get to see him... walking out of his class to where I am waiting in the car, or coming from work... so happy that I don't even question all the time I spend on the road for him, that I cannot spend at home working off the pile of work that's there waiting for me.
Today? Today I need for myself. Today I need for homework, stuff that's due in class tonight. I need more time for it than I have available, yet I will STILL drive around to pick him up from school and get him to work and then get myself back to school, etc.
He said: "I need to drop off this, this, and that here, here and there."
I said: "Umm... but I cannot do this today, I need to get my homework done, and I need to get to the office on campus to drop of my application for work permit..."
From there on the shit just hit the fan, and things I heard up until now included statements such as "I don't want to deal with your bullshit", "you fucked up majorly with me", "you should have done your homework sooner, I see you all this time just playing online", and in response to "I want you to acknowledge that I am doing everything I can and more than that to accomodate to you and our situation" I heard: "you are doing so little, you used to do more".
And I was walked out on twice.
I will not give in to his attempts of making me the evil one here who caused all this, and I will not accept the guilt trip he is trying to put on me. I am about to snap under all this pressure that I never talk about, and when for once I stand up for myself and ask for a "day off" not because I am lazy, but because I don't want to fail my class, I get a whole load of horseshit flung into my face.
Living with three male roomates I have heard and learned a lot about how males function and strive on appreciation. A.P.P.R.E.C.I.A.T.I.O.N.
What about the way females function? Does anyone give a rat's ass about that? It's not like I am asking for outrageous"Please tell me ahead of time about the places we have to go, so I can work around that with my own schedule, and am not surprised if all of a sudden I find myself on the road for 4 hours when I really thought I'm just picking you up somewhere...". I'm not even asking to be asked stuff like "Do you mind?", or "Do you have time?" No... not at all. But is being respected and being appreciated really so much to ask for?
I just don't want to be taken for granted, even though the things I do I do out of love and without expecting to be "paid back" in any way. I don't want for my time to be taken for granted, and I don't want to deal with attitude when I NEED to spend some time on me, myself, and I alone, even if it inconveniences someone else. I don't usually inconvenience other people. I usually accomodate to everybody else's needs. I am not selfish, I aim to please... but the second it is impossible for me to do so for whatever reason, I am the bitch. I am selfish. I am "impossible".
I get attitude, and I am being told I am the one who gives attitude and is impossible to deal with.
I want someone to work with ME for a change, to work around MY schedule for a change... and I want to feel like I can be a "let down" every once in a while and that it's not going to be the end of the world, and I have to defend myself and my needs with bared teeth and claws just get my point across...
Speaking of world... fuck, I feel like I am carrying the whole entirety of it on my shoulders right now... :(
Why do I feel like I am supposed to apologize...? things such as
So I had my first sentence typed in here... when I got side tracked with band practice - and pizza. Then it was too late. And today all I can really focus on is how goddamn PISSED I am at The Fiancé, that I can't really think of much else besides that.
All I can see aside from pulsating blood red in the corner of my eyes is that I am running myself ragged to accomodate to him, completely disregarding my own time and my own needs on a daily basis, to enable him to work with his schedule. I drive him to work, to school, to his second job, to business meetings, to the printer he works with, to any other goddamn thing that's on his daily agenda. I sit through boring business meetings with him, I wait in the car on the street for however long it takes him to take care of whatever he has to take care of, I am stuck in traffic for hours on our ways, I get under a lot of pressure with my own work because I don't have enough time to finish it all, and I completely neglect school over all of this, because a day only has so many hours. I don't get enough sleep... not enough for me to function properly anyways, and more than on occasion I have caught myself falling asleep at the steering wheel and catching myself before I cause an accident. I mass-produce graphics in the few hours I have at home, and ask for more and more, because we don't have enough money to pay all our bills and debts, and two HUGE payments are coming up rapidly that I don't know how to come up with the money for, unless a miracle's going to happen. I lobby to get some web work under my wings, because it pays good, not because I enjoy doing it. Matter of fact, I have come to HATE doing web work for clients, but I don't complain. I ask for more work. And even more, because I want to make some extra money so I can buy The Fiancé's parents plane tickets so they can come to their son's graduation in June, and because I know how much it gets him down knowing that they cannot afford the trip on their own. Heck, right now I am even making more money than him, and still it's not enough. It's never enough. But it has to be done. All of this. And I do it. And I don't usually complain about it. Why? Because I fucking LOVE him, and that's what people who love each other do for each other. I don't question any of this, I just go ahead and accomodate as well as I can.
Fuck this, I am so happy everytime I get to see him... walking out of his class to where I am waiting in the car, or coming from work... so happy that I don't even question all the time I spend on the road for him, that I cannot spend at home working off the pile of work that's there waiting for me.
Today? Today I need for myself. Today I need for homework, stuff that's due in class tonight. I need more time for it than I have available, yet I will STILL drive around to pick him up from school and get him to work and then get myself back to school, etc.
He said: "I need to drop off this, this, and that here, here and there."
I said: "Umm... but I cannot do this today, I need to get my homework done, and I need to get to the office on campus to drop of my application for work permit..."
From there on the shit just hit the fan, and things I heard up until now included statements such as "I don't want to deal with your bullshit", "you fucked up majorly with me", "you should have done your homework sooner, I see you all this time just playing online", and in response to "I want you to acknowledge that I am doing everything I can and more than that to accomodate to you and our situation" I heard: "you are doing so little, you used to do more".
And I was walked out on twice.
I will not give in to his attempts of making me the evil one here who caused all this, and I will not accept the guilt trip he is trying to put on me. I am about to snap under all this pressure that I never talk about, and when for once I stand up for myself and ask for a "day off" not because I am lazy, but because I don't want to fail my class, I get a whole load of horseshit flung into my face.
Living with three male roomates I have heard and learned a lot about how males function and strive on appreciation. A.P.P.R.E.C.I.A.T.I.O.N.
What about the way females function? Does anyone give a rat's ass about that? It's not like I am asking for outrageous"Please tell me ahead of time about the places we have to go, so I can work around that with my own schedule, and am not surprised if all of a sudden I find myself on the road for 4 hours when I really thought I'm just picking you up somewhere...". I'm not even asking to be asked stuff like "Do you mind?", or "Do you have time?" No... not at all. But is being respected and being appreciated really so much to ask for?
I just don't want to be taken for granted, even though the things I do I do out of love and without expecting to be "paid back" in any way. I don't want for my time to be taken for granted, and I don't want to deal with attitude when I NEED to spend some time on me, myself, and I alone, even if it inconveniences someone else. I don't usually inconvenience other people. I usually accomodate to everybody else's needs. I am not selfish, I aim to please... but the second it is impossible for me to do so for whatever reason, I am the bitch. I am selfish. I am "impossible".
I get attitude, and I am being told I am the one who gives attitude and is impossible to deal with.
I want someone to work with ME for a change, to work around MY schedule for a change... and I want to feel like I can be a "let down" every once in a while and that it's not going to be the end of the world, and I have to defend myself and my needs with bared teeth and claws just get my point across...
Speaking of world... fuck, I feel like I am carrying the whole entirety of it on my shoulders right now... :(
Why do I feel like I am supposed to apologize...? things such as
