Monday, April 25, 2005
Feeling better
As good as it gets, anyway.
Thank you for the one comment I got to my last pathetic entry, and in response to that I would like to say that yes, The Fiancé is indeed very good for me. Something I cannot appreciate when I take my moods to such extremes. He is very loving and supportive, but most of all he is very forgiving. I can tell that he is still hurting from what I did to him, but at the same time he is also trying to move on, and get this behind us. It's not easy though, and he doesn't succeed in "getting over it" all the time, which I completely understand. He tries to be close to me and understanding, but all of a sudden there is a cleft inbetween us, and I feel lonlier than I ever did before. I know that he is trying, but something has changed. Something is different, and I don't quite know how or if it is fixable. Mostly because I know that if I don't get help, it will happen again. And every time it does, it gets worse. He doesn't trust me with his emotions anymore, he keeps me at an arm's length away from him. He now does the same thing to me that I am doing to him.
He's trying not to push me away even though I can see that he feels like doing just that. He knows how emotionally instable I currently am, and tries to work around it. I try to accomodate to his every need, and I try not to say anything he could misinterpret as "attitude" or "nagging", but I know this doesn't work so well either. He said he'll make an appointment for me with the campus counsellor. Deep inside of me I hope that he won't, because I am so embarrassed and unwilling to talk with anybody about this. He also said both him and I should pick up martial arts classes. For the discipline and the control, and the outlet it would provide. I think I gave him attitude about it. I don't wanna do that either. But I guess in one way or another I will have to give in to what he says, to what he wants, to show him that I am serious. I love him very much, and I will do whatever it takes to stay with me. Even if it means martial arts.
We made love yesterday... no... we fucked yesterday. I know it was probably meant to be lovemaking, but it felt more like him working off his aggressions and frustrations on me. Which was fine... he took care of me in the end, but instead of loved I felt used and dirty afterwards. Now I feel submissive to him in every situation of life, when in reality I am the least submissive person you'd ever meet. I don't take well to authority, yet right now I jump at his every word with my proverbial tail pinched between my legs. I move around like on eggshells, aiming to please, scared I would offend or upset him in any way. I take his current negative moods and his attitude towards me with my head low between my shoulders, when usually I get defiant and hit him right back with a load of crap because "I won't take anybody talking down at me like they are something else".
I feel on the verge of tears now most of the time.
Yet I call this "feeling better" because I don't have the urge to slash my arms with those damn scissors anymore.
Life goes on, however, and to bring this blog back to a more up-beat mood, I am hereby reporting slight progress on the bi front. I have received responses from two very cute local bi girls via grrl2grrl.com, one of which hosts regular meetings for local bi girls to socialize with each other. Stuff like meeting in Hollywood and watching the L-Word together. That's the example she brought up, anyway. She said she'll keep me posted, and she'll make me feel comfortable enough to interact with the others. Whatever that means for a sociophobe like me... but I still look at it as a very positive thing that I am scared of, yet look forward to.
The Fiancé told me to look for an "outlet" for my negative feelings, anger and issues. I am thinking not so much along the lines of karate or kickboxing or talking to a complete stranger about my problems, but more along the lines of getting my inside balanced out, fulfilling both parts of me that yearn for satisfaction. I feel that if I can be who I know I truly am, if I can find my place in this world where I know I belong knowing that I will not be judged or looked down on, or even be rejected for it... if I can do that, then I think I will be a lot more balanced inside, and a lot more at peace with myself. A Yin for every Yang... and right now I am exclusively Yang...
Thank you for the one comment I got to my last pathetic entry, and in response to that I would like to say that yes, The Fiancé is indeed very good for me. Something I cannot appreciate when I take my moods to such extremes. He is very loving and supportive, but most of all he is very forgiving. I can tell that he is still hurting from what I did to him, but at the same time he is also trying to move on, and get this behind us. It's not easy though, and he doesn't succeed in "getting over it" all the time, which I completely understand. He tries to be close to me and understanding, but all of a sudden there is a cleft inbetween us, and I feel lonlier than I ever did before. I know that he is trying, but something has changed. Something is different, and I don't quite know how or if it is fixable. Mostly because I know that if I don't get help, it will happen again. And every time it does, it gets worse. He doesn't trust me with his emotions anymore, he keeps me at an arm's length away from him. He now does the same thing to me that I am doing to him.
He's trying not to push me away even though I can see that he feels like doing just that. He knows how emotionally instable I currently am, and tries to work around it. I try to accomodate to his every need, and I try not to say anything he could misinterpret as "attitude" or "nagging", but I know this doesn't work so well either. He said he'll make an appointment for me with the campus counsellor. Deep inside of me I hope that he won't, because I am so embarrassed and unwilling to talk with anybody about this. He also said both him and I should pick up martial arts classes. For the discipline and the control, and the outlet it would provide. I think I gave him attitude about it. I don't wanna do that either. But I guess in one way or another I will have to give in to what he says, to what he wants, to show him that I am serious. I love him very much, and I will do whatever it takes to stay with me. Even if it means martial arts.
We made love yesterday... no... we fucked yesterday. I know it was probably meant to be lovemaking, but it felt more like him working off his aggressions and frustrations on me. Which was fine... he took care of me in the end, but instead of loved I felt used and dirty afterwards. Now I feel submissive to him in every situation of life, when in reality I am the least submissive person you'd ever meet. I don't take well to authority, yet right now I jump at his every word with my proverbial tail pinched between my legs. I move around like on eggshells, aiming to please, scared I would offend or upset him in any way. I take his current negative moods and his attitude towards me with my head low between my shoulders, when usually I get defiant and hit him right back with a load of crap because "I won't take anybody talking down at me like they are something else".
I feel on the verge of tears now most of the time.
Yet I call this "feeling better" because I don't have the urge to slash my arms with those damn scissors anymore.
Life goes on, however, and to bring this blog back to a more up-beat mood, I am hereby reporting slight progress on the bi front. I have received responses from two very cute local bi girls via grrl2grrl.com, one of which hosts regular meetings for local bi girls to socialize with each other. Stuff like meeting in Hollywood and watching the L-Word together. That's the example she brought up, anyway. She said she'll keep me posted, and she'll make me feel comfortable enough to interact with the others. Whatever that means for a sociophobe like me... but I still look at it as a very positive thing that I am scared of, yet look forward to.
The Fiancé told me to look for an "outlet" for my negative feelings, anger and issues. I am thinking not so much along the lines of karate or kickboxing or talking to a complete stranger about my problems, but more along the lines of getting my inside balanced out, fulfilling both parts of me that yearn for satisfaction. I feel that if I can be who I know I truly am, if I can find my place in this world where I know I belong knowing that I will not be judged or looked down on, or even be rejected for it... if I can do that, then I think I will be a lot more balanced inside, and a lot more at peace with myself. A Yin for every Yang... and right now I am exclusively Yang...
