Friday, March 18, 2005
A friend
I had an appointment with my counselor at college this morning. While waiting for him to show up I had the opportunity to watch a rather distraught secretary start her day with a bunch of red and white roses unexpectedly waiting for her on her desk.
"They are from my boyfriend!", she exclaimed upon examination of the little attached card. A female co-worker hustled out of her office to ooh and aah at the flowers with her, going into an almost frenzy over how romantic of a gesture this was, and promptly ended up with a whole explanation of how the secretary and her boyfriend got into a nasty fight last night. I didn't mean to pry, but sitting right there next to them waiting for my appointment, I couldn't do much but to hear what was going on.
Not that the details matter... not to me, or any of my readers... but what did matter, and what made me feel even worse about my own nasty fight that I had this morning before the appointment, was to watch the coworker sort of squat down before the secretary, and compassionately listen to her complain and rant about her boyfriend. She then proceded to give her own input, and they both got into a very involved talk that included solutions, suggestions... overall working of the problem, girl to girl.
I sat there and stared at my hands.
I don't have a friend I could talk to about The Fiancé. I don't have anyone I could call up and rant my heart out to about my evil, evil man. I can't go cry at anyone's shoulder, I don't have anyone to compassionately bash on men with me, before gently steering me back to rationality and reason, enabling me to return home more composed and calm, ready to talk about matters.
When we fight - and I mean the big and nasty ones - I end up sitting in my room alone, crying. Internalizing instead of ranting. Eventually letting the whole stock of collected frustration all at once out at The Fiancé, which leads to more fights and arguments.
I miss having a girlfriend. I miss having someone I can hang with on the phone for hours and never run out of topics with. I miss having someone I could call day or night, someone who understands, someone who knows. Someone who can take me away from this testosterone filled house I live in every once in a while.
Yes... I do have friends. This is none of those pathetic boo-hoo-nobody-loves-me type self-pity posts. I feel well loved in my environment... but my environment consists almost exclusively of males. Men operate on a different level... yes, I could talk with them if I should so choose, they will always be there for me... but men will be men, and men will never understand where a woman is coming from, and will try to talk her out of whatever she is feeling with logic and rationale. Girls... don't tell me that you can talk with a heterosexual man the way you could with your best girlfriend. Girl on girl... it's a completely different ballgame... and I haven't enjoyed the company of a girlfriend in... well, yes: years.
What happened? I moved to the States. Leaving my best friends behind at home... and with my new life came new people, and 6000 miles of distance... and as time passes by people stop being able to relate. Even if I could afford the long distance calls it would take to stay in touch with them properly, what good would it do to talk with them about problems in a relationship they only know one participant of. They know nothing about The Fiancé and the problems we are having - heck, they barely know anything about me anymore... a lot changes in three years.
And the new people that came along in my new life? Don't ask me why, but the majority of them were/are male. There was only one girl here that I was very close to. A true girlfriend, with whom I would hang out with, and who I would call up to vent with whenever I felt like it... she was a good "replacement" for what I had left behind... but about a year ago she moved down to San Diego... and I have seen her only once since. I am really not good at keeping in contact with people over distances.
There is nobody else. One of the Fiancé's best friends is a girl. She is a real doll, she is a total sweetheart, and I love her to pieces. But she is his best friend - and as such sort of out of the race when it comes to girl support. There is another acquaintance of mine here in LA... but that's just what she is, an acquaintance... married, with a kid, and I don't get to see her more often than maybe once every two or three months... and that's not only because we live rather far apart. Much as I like hanging out with her, but there has been no real "spark" there that would really draw me to her as a close friend. We still have moments of awkward silences sometime, when we run out of things to talk about. We live in two entirely different worlds, that might have something to do with it.
What I am left with is me, myself and I. I get to go out, I get to have fun, I get to meet people - but it's always on guys' terms, it's always guys-type of fun. Which sustains me only so far. I wish so badly for a girl to be in my life, closely, someone to sit in my room with on the bed with a bucket of ice cream, watching chick flicks and bawling our eyes out over them, or giggle about and tease our men behind their backs, and being overall just a girl. Not "one of the guys". Or someone's fiancée. I wish so badly for girl time with someone... and that has nothing to do with me wanting to experience physical love with a woman. I just want a girlfriend who'll stick with me, who loves me for who I am, and who I can call up and bawl my eyes out to on days like today... before I fall apart with all my emotions that no man has the patience or understanding for. I am tired of holding myself in my own arms and crying and crying on my bed until I run out of tears and just lay there a sobbing pathetic heap on the bed, and later exploding into The Fiancé's face worse than I felt like before I started internalizing. I want someone to hold me in her arms when I cry, to shove tissues in my face, tell me how right I am about everything even if we both know I am not, tell me everything will be okay, supply me with all the ice cream I can possibly eat, and then snuggle with me on the couch while watching Bridges over Madison County surrounded by scented candles and lava lamps.
I really need a friend without a penis. :(
"They are from my boyfriend!", she exclaimed upon examination of the little attached card. A female co-worker hustled out of her office to ooh and aah at the flowers with her, going into an almost frenzy over how romantic of a gesture this was, and promptly ended up with a whole explanation of how the secretary and her boyfriend got into a nasty fight last night. I didn't mean to pry, but sitting right there next to them waiting for my appointment, I couldn't do much but to hear what was going on.
Not that the details matter... not to me, or any of my readers... but what did matter, and what made me feel even worse about my own nasty fight that I had this morning before the appointment, was to watch the coworker sort of squat down before the secretary, and compassionately listen to her complain and rant about her boyfriend. She then proceded to give her own input, and they both got into a very involved talk that included solutions, suggestions... overall working of the problem, girl to girl.
I sat there and stared at my hands.
I don't have a friend I could talk to about The Fiancé. I don't have anyone I could call up and rant my heart out to about my evil, evil man. I can't go cry at anyone's shoulder, I don't have anyone to compassionately bash on men with me, before gently steering me back to rationality and reason, enabling me to return home more composed and calm, ready to talk about matters.
When we fight - and I mean the big and nasty ones - I end up sitting in my room alone, crying. Internalizing instead of ranting. Eventually letting the whole stock of collected frustration all at once out at The Fiancé, which leads to more fights and arguments.
I miss having a girlfriend. I miss having someone I can hang with on the phone for hours and never run out of topics with. I miss having someone I could call day or night, someone who understands, someone who knows. Someone who can take me away from this testosterone filled house I live in every once in a while.
Yes... I do have friends. This is none of those pathetic boo-hoo-nobody-loves-me type self-pity posts. I feel well loved in my environment... but my environment consists almost exclusively of males. Men operate on a different level... yes, I could talk with them if I should so choose, they will always be there for me... but men will be men, and men will never understand where a woman is coming from, and will try to talk her out of whatever she is feeling with logic and rationale. Girls... don't tell me that you can talk with a heterosexual man the way you could with your best girlfriend. Girl on girl... it's a completely different ballgame... and I haven't enjoyed the company of a girlfriend in... well, yes: years.
What happened? I moved to the States. Leaving my best friends behind at home... and with my new life came new people, and 6000 miles of distance... and as time passes by people stop being able to relate. Even if I could afford the long distance calls it would take to stay in touch with them properly, what good would it do to talk with them about problems in a relationship they only know one participant of. They know nothing about The Fiancé and the problems we are having - heck, they barely know anything about me anymore... a lot changes in three years.
And the new people that came along in my new life? Don't ask me why, but the majority of them were/are male. There was only one girl here that I was very close to. A true girlfriend, with whom I would hang out with, and who I would call up to vent with whenever I felt like it... she was a good "replacement" for what I had left behind... but about a year ago she moved down to San Diego... and I have seen her only once since. I am really not good at keeping in contact with people over distances.
There is nobody else. One of the Fiancé's best friends is a girl. She is a real doll, she is a total sweetheart, and I love her to pieces. But she is his best friend - and as such sort of out of the race when it comes to girl support. There is another acquaintance of mine here in LA... but that's just what she is, an acquaintance... married, with a kid, and I don't get to see her more often than maybe once every two or three months... and that's not only because we live rather far apart. Much as I like hanging out with her, but there has been no real "spark" there that would really draw me to her as a close friend. We still have moments of awkward silences sometime, when we run out of things to talk about. We live in two entirely different worlds, that might have something to do with it.
What I am left with is me, myself and I. I get to go out, I get to have fun, I get to meet people - but it's always on guys' terms, it's always guys-type of fun. Which sustains me only so far. I wish so badly for a girl to be in my life, closely, someone to sit in my room with on the bed with a bucket of ice cream, watching chick flicks and bawling our eyes out over them, or giggle about and tease our men behind their backs, and being overall just a girl. Not "one of the guys". Or someone's fiancée. I wish so badly for girl time with someone... and that has nothing to do with me wanting to experience physical love with a woman. I just want a girlfriend who'll stick with me, who loves me for who I am, and who I can call up and bawl my eyes out to on days like today... before I fall apart with all my emotions that no man has the patience or understanding for. I am tired of holding myself in my own arms and crying and crying on my bed until I run out of tears and just lay there a sobbing pathetic heap on the bed, and later exploding into The Fiancé's face worse than I felt like before I started internalizing. I want someone to hold me in her arms when I cry, to shove tissues in my face, tell me how right I am about everything even if we both know I am not, tell me everything will be okay, supply me with all the ice cream I can possibly eat, and then snuggle with me on the couch while watching Bridges over Madison County surrounded by scented candles and lava lamps.
I really need a friend without a penis. :(
