Thursday, February 24, 2005
Still here!
Yes, I've been a bit quiet. The reason? None in particular. Just not that much to say, I suppose... especially since Jo's absence at our last gig pretty much took all wind out of my sails - again.
I still have her voice mail to listen to though... but even that I do less and less. It hurts, and I don't want to expose myself to that, and on top of that I don't really want to admit to the pain it causes either... cause that would mean I would have to admit to just how deeply she's got me, and furthermore that would mean I'd have to admit to how stupid it is to fall for a person completely unknown to me, and dragging that crush on and on and on beyond any reason and rationale.
So... all you pretty women out there between 23 and 30 and above 5'8" tall living in the Los Angeles area and having no problem with my fiancé and my committment to our life and love together... come to mamma. ;)
It also didn't help my enthusiasm to write here, that I had to emotionally deal with something my little sister dished out to me the other day. You see... if you want to understand me and about half of the issues I am dragging around with myself, you'll have to understand my partially dysfunctional relationship I have with my sister.
No, I love my sister, really. A whole lot in fact - and especially since she stopped being a puberty-ridden problematic teenager a few years ago, she and I have developed a really close friendship, and at least on my part she's closer to me than many people I call my close friends.
However... ever since I can remember I have felt inferior to my sister, despite the fact of me being older. For many reasons... but what it comes down to is that I can't remember one thing in my life that I could have for myself - me, myself, and I - without her interfering, or taking those same things special to me and making them her own. Let me give you a few examples: fighting for allowance. Oh boy, and how did I fight for allowance. I wasn't allowed any money for a long time based on reasons of "age", and the immaturity that comes along with it. Finally I got some... a little... I was so happy, I was so proud... until I found out that at the same time my little sister started to get allowance as well, to make it "just" - and suddenly age and immaturity didn't seem to matter anymore. Or: housekeys. I wasn't allowed keys to my parents place as a kid for much the same reasons I wasn't given any allowance. I was just a kid afterall... I could lose them, or whatnot. Finally... finally... I was given a set of housekeys. I felt so gifted, they were so precious to me - until I turned around and saw a set handed to my little sister as well. Puny little stuff - big sister syndrome - I know, I know. But in such a manner it went on, and on, and on through the years. Heck! I couldn't even have a broken arm all for myself - she broke hers at almost the exact same time, same arm, same injury (- I fell off my bike, and she ran into a wall during gym class) - and we were walking around with identical casts for about 6 weeks, known everywhere with a smirk on peoples' faces as the "cast twins".
And of course, she's always been cooler. Prettier, more popular, funnier, more outgoing, with all the cool friends and all the cool places to go, more daring and adventurous than me, and with guys flocking around her at any given moment. Me? I pretended not to care, continued working on my straight As in high school, my University "career", and my conventional cookie-cutter relationship with one and the same guy for 3 1/2 years. Never went to parties, never went out, never had any guy lusting after me, never had many friends, hiding my disfiguring acne behind buckets of useless paint in my face, making myself as invisible as possible to people by creating as big a likeness as possible to a grey little mouse.
Then: sudden change. I moved to the United States in pretty much the spur of a moment. What a big deal! What an outrage! If I looked for uniqueness in my family, I sure found it now. No one in my family ever left the country, no one ever gave up everything they were doing in order to follow a dream, and I knew it was something my sister wouldn't even dream of doing. I was sure to ensure my place in family history with such blatant boldness! And all went well... so well. Boy, was I unique, and boy, did I get attention. That is - until my sister decided to come visit me, fell in love with one of my best friends, made MY friends HER friends, and is periodically hanging around in MY world, in MY country, with MY people ever since. She took my world, the world I worked so hard for to claim for my own and to keep family intruders out of, and made it her own.
Now I can see how you might think I am overreacting, and how I should be glad having her here so relatively often when usually I don't get to see my family a whole lot - but try being me for an instant, and you'll understand.
But anway... that's how things happened, that's how things are, and it's all water under the bridge now.
I still have the most unique thing about myself to myself. The uniqueness I am reveling in, the uniqueness I am still tentatively exploring, the uniqueness so precious and special to me that I am hesitant sharing it with less open-minded people yet.
I am a bisexual!
How friggin' unique is that?
Well, maybe not all that, but in my family surely more unique than a purple-specked carnivorous pig singing La Cucaracha under a hot shower.
Or so I thought. Or what??? You can probally tell that I wasn't pleased when my sister revealed to me that one of her coworkers outed herself to her as a bisexual, and her comment to that being that this was "very interesting". Now I am aware that "very interesting" doesn't have to mean a damn thing, but of course a thousand little alarm bells were ringing in my head at this right away. Was she trying to tell me something? Was she telling me this little story of her coworker out of nowhere to see how I would react to someone's bisexuality in general, and then reveal herself to me once she saw I wasn't freaking out?
Or maybe it's none of the above... but boy, did that possibility shake my world. I know that she's had talks with The Fiancé before, when they were alone at home, where she hinted at stuff like that. He told me so. He also told me that she thinks I am the most conservative and sexually stuck-up and inhibited person in existance, deriving her conclusion from the fact that I avoid talking about sex in my family or sex concerning my family, ever since I walked in on my parents once when I was about to hit puberty. That in itself strikes me as sort of funny, knowing that I have done just about everything in the book, and am open to doing just about anything else too outrageous to even be in the book in the first place, have a partner who pushes me to go further and further each time we have sex, and considering that I have a surgical steel ring stuck through my genitalia, and I am loving every second of it.
Call me stuck up and inhibited, girly, will ya.
Anyways. The possibility of my sister being a bisexual as well? Too horrible to even put into one coherent thought. As irrational as it may sound to anyone else... but... how much further do I have to go, how much more outrageous do I have to become, to finally cut that invisible cable between my sister and I that somehow seems to make us clones in everything I do and am? I love her - I do - I just want to finally be apart from her and totally submerged in my own thing, without looking like we're each others' copycats, and arguing about who came up with something first, and who followed along. I've had enough of being "cast twins".
Next thing she'll be picking up an instrument and becoming famous with a band before I do.
Picture me unreasonably upset.
I still have her voice mail to listen to though... but even that I do less and less. It hurts, and I don't want to expose myself to that, and on top of that I don't really want to admit to the pain it causes either... cause that would mean I would have to admit to just how deeply she's got me, and furthermore that would mean I'd have to admit to how stupid it is to fall for a person completely unknown to me, and dragging that crush on and on and on beyond any reason and rationale.
So... all you pretty women out there between 23 and 30 and above 5'8" tall living in the Los Angeles area and having no problem with my fiancé and my committment to our life and love together... come to mamma. ;)
It also didn't help my enthusiasm to write here, that I had to emotionally deal with something my little sister dished out to me the other day. You see... if you want to understand me and about half of the issues I am dragging around with myself, you'll have to understand my partially dysfunctional relationship I have with my sister.
No, I love my sister, really. A whole lot in fact - and especially since she stopped being a puberty-ridden problematic teenager a few years ago, she and I have developed a really close friendship, and at least on my part she's closer to me than many people I call my close friends.
However... ever since I can remember I have felt inferior to my sister, despite the fact of me being older. For many reasons... but what it comes down to is that I can't remember one thing in my life that I could have for myself - me, myself, and I - without her interfering, or taking those same things special to me and making them her own. Let me give you a few examples: fighting for allowance. Oh boy, and how did I fight for allowance. I wasn't allowed any money for a long time based on reasons of "age", and the immaturity that comes along with it. Finally I got some... a little... I was so happy, I was so proud... until I found out that at the same time my little sister started to get allowance as well, to make it "just" - and suddenly age and immaturity didn't seem to matter anymore. Or: housekeys. I wasn't allowed keys to my parents place as a kid for much the same reasons I wasn't given any allowance. I was just a kid afterall... I could lose them, or whatnot. Finally... finally... I was given a set of housekeys. I felt so gifted, they were so precious to me - until I turned around and saw a set handed to my little sister as well. Puny little stuff - big sister syndrome - I know, I know. But in such a manner it went on, and on, and on through the years. Heck! I couldn't even have a broken arm all for myself - she broke hers at almost the exact same time, same arm, same injury (- I fell off my bike, and she ran into a wall during gym class) - and we were walking around with identical casts for about 6 weeks, known everywhere with a smirk on peoples' faces as the "cast twins".
And of course, she's always been cooler. Prettier, more popular, funnier, more outgoing, with all the cool friends and all the cool places to go, more daring and adventurous than me, and with guys flocking around her at any given moment. Me? I pretended not to care, continued working on my straight As in high school, my University "career", and my conventional cookie-cutter relationship with one and the same guy for 3 1/2 years. Never went to parties, never went out, never had any guy lusting after me, never had many friends, hiding my disfiguring acne behind buckets of useless paint in my face, making myself as invisible as possible to people by creating as big a likeness as possible to a grey little mouse.
Then: sudden change. I moved to the United States in pretty much the spur of a moment. What a big deal! What an outrage! If I looked for uniqueness in my family, I sure found it now. No one in my family ever left the country, no one ever gave up everything they were doing in order to follow a dream, and I knew it was something my sister wouldn't even dream of doing. I was sure to ensure my place in family history with such blatant boldness! And all went well... so well. Boy, was I unique, and boy, did I get attention. That is - until my sister decided to come visit me, fell in love with one of my best friends, made MY friends HER friends, and is periodically hanging around in MY world, in MY country, with MY people ever since. She took my world, the world I worked so hard for to claim for my own and to keep family intruders out of, and made it her own.
Now I can see how you might think I am overreacting, and how I should be glad having her here so relatively often when usually I don't get to see my family a whole lot - but try being me for an instant, and you'll understand.
But anway... that's how things happened, that's how things are, and it's all water under the bridge now.
I still have the most unique thing about myself to myself. The uniqueness I am reveling in, the uniqueness I am still tentatively exploring, the uniqueness so precious and special to me that I am hesitant sharing it with less open-minded people yet.
I am a bisexual!
How friggin' unique is that?
Well, maybe not all that, but in my family surely more unique than a purple-specked carnivorous pig singing La Cucaracha under a hot shower.
Or so I thought. Or what??? You can probally tell that I wasn't pleased when my sister revealed to me that one of her coworkers outed herself to her as a bisexual, and her comment to that being that this was "very interesting". Now I am aware that "very interesting" doesn't have to mean a damn thing, but of course a thousand little alarm bells were ringing in my head at this right away. Was she trying to tell me something? Was she telling me this little story of her coworker out of nowhere to see how I would react to someone's bisexuality in general, and then reveal herself to me once she saw I wasn't freaking out?
Or maybe it's none of the above... but boy, did that possibility shake my world. I know that she's had talks with The Fiancé before, when they were alone at home, where she hinted at stuff like that. He told me so. He also told me that she thinks I am the most conservative and sexually stuck-up and inhibited person in existance, deriving her conclusion from the fact that I avoid talking about sex in my family or sex concerning my family, ever since I walked in on my parents once when I was about to hit puberty. That in itself strikes me as sort of funny, knowing that I have done just about everything in the book, and am open to doing just about anything else too outrageous to even be in the book in the first place, have a partner who pushes me to go further and further each time we have sex, and considering that I have a surgical steel ring stuck through my genitalia, and I am loving every second of it.
Call me stuck up and inhibited, girly, will ya.
Anyways. The possibility of my sister being a bisexual as well? Too horrible to even put into one coherent thought. As irrational as it may sound to anyone else... but... how much further do I have to go, how much more outrageous do I have to become, to finally cut that invisible cable between my sister and I that somehow seems to make us clones in everything I do and am? I love her - I do - I just want to finally be apart from her and totally submerged in my own thing, without looking like we're each others' copycats, and arguing about who came up with something first, and who followed along. I've had enough of being "cast twins".
Next thing she'll be picking up an instrument and becoming famous with a band before I do.
Picture me unreasonably upset.
