Saturday, February 05, 2005
Positive Reinforcement
I am receiving lots of it, lately. About this blog, for one... and about my recently acquired clit hood piercing as well.
The latter seems to inspire a lot of comments and questions, and not one of them has been of the "you-are-a-fucking-freak"-nature. All of them have been encouraging, and if I may be so cocky: admiring my braveness, my ovaries, if you may. Aside from the fact that The Fiancé is constantly dribbling over me and horribly lamenting the fact that he has to keep himself and all his body parts at least 5 inches away from it because that's how far germs can travel, this is giving me a lot of confidence, and makes me feel really good about myself.
Yeah... it's painful. Yeah... it's uncomfortable to the touch. Yeah... my enforced abstinence is a big sarcrifice. Yeah... yesterday's attempt at masturbation, satisfying and necessary as it was, was a great stupidity which I am paying for right now. But you know what? It's the best damn thing I have ever done for myself... that's right, for ME, MYSELF, and I... and it truly is worth all the hassle. Because of the way it makes me feel about myself. Because of how it makes me feel different from all those "normal" women, into whose mold I do not fit. Because of how it stands for me finally admitting to the fact that I am outside the mold.
It's the exclamation mark that accentuates the statement of "I".
I love it. And I love the positive feedback, despite the commonly accepted "weirdness" of genital piercings in general.
Now... about this blog, this little project of mine. Today, while doing my daily rounds on the internet, I stumbled across an entry on my friend Autumn's blog, talking about an anonymous blog, which she and a few other people have the priviledge of reading. Call me egocentric or self-important, but I am pretty darn sure it was me she was talking about. I dunno how many other people in her circle of online acquaintances have "secret" self-discovery blogs that she has the priviledge of reading, but I take it that it's not very likely, and so I sharply concluded it must me lil' ole' me she devoted parts of that entry to. And what an entry it was. I admit it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Unfortunately, she doesn't have the option to link back to her entries, so I'll take the freedom of Ctrl-c, Ctrl-v:
"Bite me. I just keep thinking about this one blog that I can't call out here. I have the privilege of reading this particular blog. A privilege that was given to me by the writer because she's exploring herself in this blog and doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with the world, except for people she trusts, and that is totally understandable.
At the same time, I feel that it's a shame that she doesn't feel that she is allowed to share with the masses what is becoming a very self-defining part of who she is. She has written the best stuff she has ever written, and I think that's because she's writing about stuff that she feels passionately about and I think people with access to her thoughts are blessed in a weird way. I say weird because I've been allowed to be a voyeur in the most voyeuristic way possible, but at the same time it's not dirty. It's enlightening and, dare I say, neato.
She's able to write about things more freely because there are no prying eyes that would judge her poorly. She's finding freedom on her blog and I really hope she keeps writing.
[enter long rant about mutual blog-bashing-and-bitching here]
So ANYWAYS....neener to the rest of you. I'll finish this with a statement about Random Daily Blogs that has nothing to do with my rant....
You are missing so much emotion and discovery and good shit like that on the anonymous blog of which I originally gushed before I got brain diarrhea. And I think this anonymous person reads me here so don't be embarrassed honey because you'll probably know that I'm writing about you but no one else will. I just really intend to read your stuff forever.
And I'm really considering some metal. God save and protect me."
I am not embarrassed. :) I am honored. That's probably the sweetest thing someone has ever said about any of my internetly drivels... and above all it made me think about the way I am approaching this here blog of mine.
What good is a planned "coming out", if I keep this link sheltered securely under the wings of secrecy? What value do all my brave statements of intent have, if I don't go out there and shove myself into the face of the world? Sure, I leave this link to be found by random visitors, I link to bisexual people I don't know and leave comments on their site hoping that they pay me a visit back... but I am hell-bent on leaving people I know in the dark over this.
Maybe it's time for a recap? Who knows about this blog, who knows that I am a bisexual?
I have deliberately given this link to: The Fiancé, Autumn, Ren, Cat, and Caitlin.
The following happened to find out about it without me telling them specifically: The Ex, and Azzy.
Those are the ones that I am aware of, anyways. I am sure there might be more, since I have slowly started to leave the link to here in comments over at Ren's blog, and since she has a lot of readers, odds are that maybe a few of them have surfed over here from there. I think that's how Azzy found this, for instants.
Now, as for the people who don't read blogs, and who I am outed to, I guess that leaves only Roomie#R, and possibly Roomie#E, though I could not be sure, and I certainly don't want to ask.
So... how successful have I been so far? Not very, I fear. I mean... c'mon... not even the woman I gush over has the slightest idea, because I am too chicken shit to make a move on her. Does that make me a failure? I think not... all it really makes me is a coward.
And this is why I have authorized Auty (who has a rather large fan base) to spread the word about this. Whoever you think might enjoy this, please direct them over here. The same goes for Ren, if you are reading, and Cat.
The only restriction: draw the line at people of who you know that know me in real life. I am pretty sure all of you know who that would be, especially if you've been keeping up with my "real" blog over time. I don't wish to spell out names here, but if you wanna be on the safe side, you can always email me.
And right on with the metal, girl... should I feel sorry for having a small hand in corrupting you? ;)
The latter seems to inspire a lot of comments and questions, and not one of them has been of the "you-are-a-fucking-freak"-nature. All of them have been encouraging, and if I may be so cocky: admiring my braveness, my ovaries, if you may. Aside from the fact that The Fiancé is constantly dribbling over me and horribly lamenting the fact that he has to keep himself and all his body parts at least 5 inches away from it because that's how far germs can travel, this is giving me a lot of confidence, and makes me feel really good about myself.
Yeah... it's painful. Yeah... it's uncomfortable to the touch. Yeah... my enforced abstinence is a big sarcrifice. Yeah... yesterday's attempt at masturbation, satisfying and necessary as it was, was a great stupidity which I am paying for right now. But you know what? It's the best damn thing I have ever done for myself... that's right, for ME, MYSELF, and I... and it truly is worth all the hassle. Because of the way it makes me feel about myself. Because of how it makes me feel different from all those "normal" women, into whose mold I do not fit. Because of how it stands for me finally admitting to the fact that I am outside the mold.
It's the exclamation mark that accentuates the statement of "I".
I love it. And I love the positive feedback, despite the commonly accepted "weirdness" of genital piercings in general.
Now... about this blog, this little project of mine. Today, while doing my daily rounds on the internet, I stumbled across an entry on my friend Autumn's blog, talking about an anonymous blog, which she and a few other people have the priviledge of reading. Call me egocentric or self-important, but I am pretty darn sure it was me she was talking about. I dunno how many other people in her circle of online acquaintances have "secret" self-discovery blogs that she has the priviledge of reading, but I take it that it's not very likely, and so I sharply concluded it must me lil' ole' me she devoted parts of that entry to. And what an entry it was. I admit it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Unfortunately, she doesn't have the option to link back to her entries, so I'll take the freedom of Ctrl-c, Ctrl-v:
"Bite me. I just keep thinking about this one blog that I can't call out here. I have the privilege of reading this particular blog. A privilege that was given to me by the writer because she's exploring herself in this blog and doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with the world, except for people she trusts, and that is totally understandable.
At the same time, I feel that it's a shame that she doesn't feel that she is allowed to share with the masses what is becoming a very self-defining part of who she is. She has written the best stuff she has ever written, and I think that's because she's writing about stuff that she feels passionately about and I think people with access to her thoughts are blessed in a weird way. I say weird because I've been allowed to be a voyeur in the most voyeuristic way possible, but at the same time it's not dirty. It's enlightening and, dare I say, neato.
She's able to write about things more freely because there are no prying eyes that would judge her poorly. She's finding freedom on her blog and I really hope she keeps writing.
[enter long rant about mutual blog-bashing-and-bitching here]
So ANYWAYS....neener to the rest of you. I'll finish this with a statement about Random Daily Blogs that has nothing to do with my rant....
You are missing so much emotion and discovery and good shit like that on the anonymous blog of which I originally gushed before I got brain diarrhea. And I think this anonymous person reads me here so don't be embarrassed honey because you'll probably know that I'm writing about you but no one else will. I just really intend to read your stuff forever.
And I'm really considering some metal. God save and protect me."
I am not embarrassed. :) I am honored. That's probably the sweetest thing someone has ever said about any of my internetly drivels... and above all it made me think about the way I am approaching this here blog of mine.
What good is a planned "coming out", if I keep this link sheltered securely under the wings of secrecy? What value do all my brave statements of intent have, if I don't go out there and shove myself into the face of the world? Sure, I leave this link to be found by random visitors, I link to bisexual people I don't know and leave comments on their site hoping that they pay me a visit back... but I am hell-bent on leaving people I know in the dark over this.
Maybe it's time for a recap? Who knows about this blog, who knows that I am a bisexual?
I have deliberately given this link to: The Fiancé, Autumn, Ren, Cat, and Caitlin.
The following happened to find out about it without me telling them specifically: The Ex, and Azzy.
Those are the ones that I am aware of, anyways. I am sure there might be more, since I have slowly started to leave the link to here in comments over at Ren's blog, and since she has a lot of readers, odds are that maybe a few of them have surfed over here from there. I think that's how Azzy found this, for instants.
Now, as for the people who don't read blogs, and who I am outed to, I guess that leaves only Roomie#R, and possibly Roomie#E, though I could not be sure, and I certainly don't want to ask.
So... how successful have I been so far? Not very, I fear. I mean... c'mon... not even the woman I gush over has the slightest idea, because I am too chicken shit to make a move on her. Does that make me a failure? I think not... all it really makes me is a coward.
And this is why I have authorized Auty (who has a rather large fan base) to spread the word about this. Whoever you think might enjoy this, please direct them over here. The same goes for Ren, if you are reading, and Cat.
The only restriction: draw the line at people of who you know that know me in real life. I am pretty sure all of you know who that would be, especially if you've been keeping up with my "real" blog over time. I don't wish to spell out names here, but if you wanna be on the safe side, you can always email me.
And right on with the metal, girl... should I feel sorry for having a small hand in corrupting you? ;)
