Friday, October 29, 2004
NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Okay, as I said before, it is now time to talk about why.
Why having a blog about such a private matter?
Why did I decide now to make serious and do something about it?
Why do I think a blog of all things would help me?
Well, first of all: I decided to blog about my private journey to self-fulfilment (or however you wanna call it), because I am hoping that somehow, sometime someone in a similar situation will stumble upon it, and either gets inspired to start a similar journey, or someone who's been there will find me, and would exchange their own experiences with me. Mostly I guess I wanna see that I am not alone out there, if that makes sense...
Now let me answer the third question first, before I go into the more elaborate answer to #2. I have been blogging for over two years, and the answer is simple: I like being a web-exhibitionist. Plus it helps me sort through my own thoughts and experiences the way a diary would - only I rather write for potential readers out there, that's just the way I am.
Now, on to the ultimative why: last week I have met a woman at a party, the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on, and since then I have been thinking of few things other than her. She drives me nuts, thinking about her drives me nuts, and all I wanna do is to spend time with her. And more time, and more time, and more time... It isn't really so much the sexual component, even though I can tell you, oh boy, do I wanna get my hands on her. Interestingly enough it really is more about me just wanting to be with her. Be in the same room with her. Be able to talk with her. Be able to look at her. I get all dreamy when I only think about her.
What happened was this:
My fiancé and I got invited to this Halloween party, that I really didn't want to go to. I am not a party pooper, but a few months ago I learned that he had a crush on the hostess... long before he met me. As open-minded as I am about certain things, as irrational I am with others - and I didn't like this thought at all. Not that I don't trust my guy, it's just that I rather not be faced with a woman that he once described as "incredibly cute and gorgeous".
So we fought about it all week, and in the end I decided to go. Not so much because I wanted to, but more - honestly, and I am not very proud of it - because I rather be there and be able to check on things and observe. Not that there was any reason to, or not that I don't trust my guy. I told you already I am irrational when it comes to certain things.
We got there, I was introduced to the present crowd, and I soon found myself trapped in some boring small-talk with the host in the living room, while The Fiancé was off chatting and catching up with his friends. I was facing a big mirror on the wall, through which I could see the front door. While trying hard not to run out of banalities to talk about with this guy, that door opened, and in came the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She hugged The Fiancé heartily, like a long missed friend, and they immediately immersed in enthusiastic chatter, which I would have loved to be a part of. I was by now really running out of things to say to this guy. There is only so much one can say after: "So, you play in a band, huh?" "Yeah, I play the bass. And I heard you play the drums?" "Yeah..."
Fortunately soon before the silence between the host and I got too embarrassing, I saw The Fiancé pointing at me and saying a few words to the girl, introductory phrases I suppose, after which she looked up at me through the mirror, gave me a big smile, and briskly walked over to me, with her hand stretched out.
When she smiles, she looks a bit like Milla Jovovich... *dreams*...
I shook her hand to say my hellos, and that's when I suddenly became acutely aware of how my teeth got blackened from that darned Halloween cookie thing that I ate only minutes before. So, not wanting to look like a fool on first impression my hand shot up to my mouth in an attempt to cover up, which then muffled my entire introductory ceremony, making me look like a worse fool than I probally could have looked like with blackened teeth but a self-confident smile.
Jo (let's call her that) didn't pay me much heed, then. She and The Fiancé continued their friendly chatter, and I just stood by, rather quietly, listening, and being glad I was put out of my little situation with the host, who had long since taken the opportunity to slip away. I wasn't paying much attention to Jo then, either, having been still a little bit miffed at being at that party in the first place. But she had such a positive attitude and magnetic personality, that I couldn't help but start to pay attention. Plus she kept on smiling at me and looking at me as if I was actually a part of their conversation, and I liked that. I like being made felt like I was a part of something. So I smiled back and started to participate in the conversation a bit, and I also started to look at her. I couldn't help it, really. She was just too present as to not notice her and everything about her.
She's tall. Almost as tall as me, maybe 5'9" or so. She looks fit, but not scrawny at all. Her hair is dyed black, and it's maybe chin-length and straight, and she kept it back in a very short ponytail. Her eyes are of the most intense and dark blue I have ever seen, and the way they sparkled with life and humor was simply infatuating, even then, when I hadn't even exchanged one real word with her yet. She was wearing a Roman style tunic, bound around her upper body in a way that just kept on drawing my eyes to her breasts over and over again.
Soon after that we went out on the porch, which beautifully overlooked LA in a radius from Downtown to Sunset Blvd to Hollywood. It was a beautiful sea of lights down there, and I sat down opposite to where The Fiancé was standing. Next thing I knew, Jo was sitting next to me, and the conversation continued on as before. I started to warm up a little bit and get over my uncomfortableness with strangers, and we had some good fun. When she went inside to the bathroom, The Fiancé shot me this big grin with a wink, and told me: "She was so checking you out."
You see, before we arrived at the party I have been told about this girl (Jo, coincidently), who has never been seen with a guy before, and who has never responded to guys hitting on her at parties, and who always seemed to have been closer to the hostess than to any male around. Little bit of side information I didn't really care about when I heard it. I was pissed at having to go to that party, remember?
She came back, and soon after The Fiancé excused himself with a quest for another beer. He made a point out of not coming back, and so there I was with her, alone. All my uncomfortableness with strangers suddenly came back, and I saw another situation like the one with the host come flying at me. And believe you me, at this point that was the last thing I wanted - to seem dull or boring to this girl, and to have her attention turn to someone else.
There wasn't much reason to worry, though. She asked me if I wanted to sit down at the table where a bunch of other people were sitting at, and I agreed. She pulled out two chairs, placed hers next to mine, and after about 2 minutes of participating in the general banter around the table, her attention turned to me.
To me exclusively.
We started talking, and talking, and talking. While the night around us got colder and colder, I warmed up to her more and more, and I had the best and most involved conversation I had with a random stranger for a very long time. I think I really just hit it off with her. At least on a communicational basis. A while into the discussion she seemed friendly enough with me to just softly "slap" me or "brush" my arm in gestures of laughter, or to reinforce a point she was making... you know how some people are just touchy-feely like that? Whatever her intentions were, however... she sure had my attention 100%, and the next time I was aware of my surroundings I realized that Jo and I were the only ones left on the porch. Everybody else had made their way inside to flee from the cold... and I didn't notice a thing. And neither did she, I think, seeing as she was sitting there in her sleeveless toga and didn't even appear to be cold.
But like I said... whatever her reason. Maybe she just doesn't get cold easily. What do I know about her?
Eventually the beer I had made its presence in my bladder painfully clear, and as much as I hated it, I had to interrupt our conversation and go inside to the bathroom. I was so afraid that when I came back she would talk with someone else, having all forgotten about me. But that was not so. I came out, and The Fiancé was back talking with her, so I walked up to them and - was it just my wishful thinking? - she came to stand quite close to me.
There was talk about another party the upcoming weekend (- tomorrow, in fact), and she almost insisted on us going. When we left, she told me that it was so nice to have met me, gave me a hug that admittedly left me rather shaky on my legs, and when I was about to leave through the front door, she called another "so nice to meet you!" after me.
I was floating back to the car, not walking. My heart was beating, the butterflies were going rampant in my stomach. A woman has never before made me feel this way, this extreme, and while I was struggling with myself to get down from this Jo-induced high, The Fiancé was grinning at me relentlessly.
"You have a crush!", he teased in the car.
"Yeah...", I breathed weakly.
And I do. I have been thinking about Jo all week. The thought of seeing her again tomorrow was what got me through my week, which was, on top of all things, a rather shitty one. And the fact that The Fiancé keeps on teasing me with her when we're together in bed doesn't help the least bit. He encourages me not to be "so negative" when I make the point that I don't even KNOW if she's into girls, that I don't even know if she's just friendly like that with people she just meets period, and that I am afraid she might not even look at me tomorrow.
"Don't be so negative!"
I try not to. I really do. But it's hard. I am really nervous about tomorrow, as much as I am looking forward to it, and have been all week.
But anyway... that's the story. And whether or not she is into girls the way The Fiancé and the hostess suspect, and whether or not she'll be paying attention to me tomorrow the way she was last night, the way I reacted to her was reason enough for me to really start dealing with my latent bisexuality on a more intense level. If there are women out there who can make me feel like that in addition to the way The Fiancé makes me feel, and I can have both... why wouldn't I at least try?
Why having a blog about such a private matter?
Why did I decide now to make serious and do something about it?
Why do I think a blog of all things would help me?
Well, first of all: I decided to blog about my private journey to self-fulfilment (or however you wanna call it), because I am hoping that somehow, sometime someone in a similar situation will stumble upon it, and either gets inspired to start a similar journey, or someone who's been there will find me, and would exchange their own experiences with me. Mostly I guess I wanna see that I am not alone out there, if that makes sense...
Now let me answer the third question first, before I go into the more elaborate answer to #2. I have been blogging for over two years, and the answer is simple: I like being a web-exhibitionist. Plus it helps me sort through my own thoughts and experiences the way a diary would - only I rather write for potential readers out there, that's just the way I am.
Now, on to the ultimative why: last week I have met a woman at a party, the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on, and since then I have been thinking of few things other than her. She drives me nuts, thinking about her drives me nuts, and all I wanna do is to spend time with her. And more time, and more time, and more time... It isn't really so much the sexual component, even though I can tell you, oh boy, do I wanna get my hands on her. Interestingly enough it really is more about me just wanting to be with her. Be in the same room with her. Be able to talk with her. Be able to look at her. I get all dreamy when I only think about her.
What happened was this:
My fiancé and I got invited to this Halloween party, that I really didn't want to go to. I am not a party pooper, but a few months ago I learned that he had a crush on the hostess... long before he met me. As open-minded as I am about certain things, as irrational I am with others - and I didn't like this thought at all. Not that I don't trust my guy, it's just that I rather not be faced with a woman that he once described as "incredibly cute and gorgeous".
So we fought about it all week, and in the end I decided to go. Not so much because I wanted to, but more - honestly, and I am not very proud of it - because I rather be there and be able to check on things and observe. Not that there was any reason to, or not that I don't trust my guy. I told you already I am irrational when it comes to certain things.
We got there, I was introduced to the present crowd, and I soon found myself trapped in some boring small-talk with the host in the living room, while The Fiancé was off chatting and catching up with his friends. I was facing a big mirror on the wall, through which I could see the front door. While trying hard not to run out of banalities to talk about with this guy, that door opened, and in came the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She hugged The Fiancé heartily, like a long missed friend, and they immediately immersed in enthusiastic chatter, which I would have loved to be a part of. I was by now really running out of things to say to this guy. There is only so much one can say after: "So, you play in a band, huh?" "Yeah, I play the bass. And I heard you play the drums?" "Yeah..."
Fortunately soon before the silence between the host and I got too embarrassing, I saw The Fiancé pointing at me and saying a few words to the girl, introductory phrases I suppose, after which she looked up at me through the mirror, gave me a big smile, and briskly walked over to me, with her hand stretched out.
When she smiles, she looks a bit like Milla Jovovich... *dreams*...
I shook her hand to say my hellos, and that's when I suddenly became acutely aware of how my teeth got blackened from that darned Halloween cookie thing that I ate only minutes before. So, not wanting to look like a fool on first impression my hand shot up to my mouth in an attempt to cover up, which then muffled my entire introductory ceremony, making me look like a worse fool than I probally could have looked like with blackened teeth but a self-confident smile.
Jo (let's call her that) didn't pay me much heed, then. She and The Fiancé continued their friendly chatter, and I just stood by, rather quietly, listening, and being glad I was put out of my little situation with the host, who had long since taken the opportunity to slip away. I wasn't paying much attention to Jo then, either, having been still a little bit miffed at being at that party in the first place. But she had such a positive attitude and magnetic personality, that I couldn't help but start to pay attention. Plus she kept on smiling at me and looking at me as if I was actually a part of their conversation, and I liked that. I like being made felt like I was a part of something. So I smiled back and started to participate in the conversation a bit, and I also started to look at her. I couldn't help it, really. She was just too present as to not notice her and everything about her.
She's tall. Almost as tall as me, maybe 5'9" or so. She looks fit, but not scrawny at all. Her hair is dyed black, and it's maybe chin-length and straight, and she kept it back in a very short ponytail. Her eyes are of the most intense and dark blue I have ever seen, and the way they sparkled with life and humor was simply infatuating, even then, when I hadn't even exchanged one real word with her yet. She was wearing a Roman style tunic, bound around her upper body in a way that just kept on drawing my eyes to her breasts over and over again.
Soon after that we went out on the porch, which beautifully overlooked LA in a radius from Downtown to Sunset Blvd to Hollywood. It was a beautiful sea of lights down there, and I sat down opposite to where The Fiancé was standing. Next thing I knew, Jo was sitting next to me, and the conversation continued on as before. I started to warm up a little bit and get over my uncomfortableness with strangers, and we had some good fun. When she went inside to the bathroom, The Fiancé shot me this big grin with a wink, and told me: "She was so checking you out."
You see, before we arrived at the party I have been told about this girl (Jo, coincidently), who has never been seen with a guy before, and who has never responded to guys hitting on her at parties, and who always seemed to have been closer to the hostess than to any male around. Little bit of side information I didn't really care about when I heard it. I was pissed at having to go to that party, remember?
She came back, and soon after The Fiancé excused himself with a quest for another beer. He made a point out of not coming back, and so there I was with her, alone. All my uncomfortableness with strangers suddenly came back, and I saw another situation like the one with the host come flying at me. And believe you me, at this point that was the last thing I wanted - to seem dull or boring to this girl, and to have her attention turn to someone else.
There wasn't much reason to worry, though. She asked me if I wanted to sit down at the table where a bunch of other people were sitting at, and I agreed. She pulled out two chairs, placed hers next to mine, and after about 2 minutes of participating in the general banter around the table, her attention turned to me.
To me exclusively.
We started talking, and talking, and talking. While the night around us got colder and colder, I warmed up to her more and more, and I had the best and most involved conversation I had with a random stranger for a very long time. I think I really just hit it off with her. At least on a communicational basis. A while into the discussion she seemed friendly enough with me to just softly "slap" me or "brush" my arm in gestures of laughter, or to reinforce a point she was making... you know how some people are just touchy-feely like that? Whatever her intentions were, however... she sure had my attention 100%, and the next time I was aware of my surroundings I realized that Jo and I were the only ones left on the porch. Everybody else had made their way inside to flee from the cold... and I didn't notice a thing. And neither did she, I think, seeing as she was sitting there in her sleeveless toga and didn't even appear to be cold.
But like I said... whatever her reason. Maybe she just doesn't get cold easily. What do I know about her?
Eventually the beer I had made its presence in my bladder painfully clear, and as much as I hated it, I had to interrupt our conversation and go inside to the bathroom. I was so afraid that when I came back she would talk with someone else, having all forgotten about me. But that was not so. I came out, and The Fiancé was back talking with her, so I walked up to them and - was it just my wishful thinking? - she came to stand quite close to me.
There was talk about another party the upcoming weekend (- tomorrow, in fact), and she almost insisted on us going. When we left, she told me that it was so nice to have met me, gave me a hug that admittedly left me rather shaky on my legs, and when I was about to leave through the front door, she called another "so nice to meet you!" after me.
I was floating back to the car, not walking. My heart was beating, the butterflies were going rampant in my stomach. A woman has never before made me feel this way, this extreme, and while I was struggling with myself to get down from this Jo-induced high, The Fiancé was grinning at me relentlessly.
"You have a crush!", he teased in the car.
"Yeah...", I breathed weakly.
And I do. I have been thinking about Jo all week. The thought of seeing her again tomorrow was what got me through my week, which was, on top of all things, a rather shitty one. And the fact that The Fiancé keeps on teasing me with her when we're together in bed doesn't help the least bit. He encourages me not to be "so negative" when I make the point that I don't even KNOW if she's into girls, that I don't even know if she's just friendly like that with people she just meets period, and that I am afraid she might not even look at me tomorrow.
"Don't be so negative!"
I try not to. I really do. But it's hard. I am really nervous about tomorrow, as much as I am looking forward to it, and have been all week.
But anyway... that's the story. And whether or not she is into girls the way The Fiancé and the hostess suspect, and whether or not she'll be paying attention to me tomorrow the way she was last night, the way I reacted to her was reason enough for me to really start dealing with my latent bisexuality on a more intense level. If there are women out there who can make me feel like that in addition to the way The Fiancé makes me feel, and I can have both... why wouldn't I at least try?
