Friday, October 29, 2004
Hello, World.
So, this is it. The "other" blog. What does "other" mean? Well, it basically means that I am a coward who doesn't yet dare talking about certain things on her "real" blog, the one I am keeping since a good 2 years already, and which is being read by a lot of my friends and family members, and therefore has to hide those certain things on the "other" blog.
"Certain things"? Yeah, like me being bisexual, the whole point of this literary adventure.
You see, I always kind of knew what's up with me. I remember I had my first crush on a girl when I was a wee teenager. She was a classmate, a petite little girl, and one of my best friends. I loved being around her, and I was scurrying around desperate for her approval pretty much all the time. At least that's how I look at it today, almost 10 years later. I didn't realize that I was feeling "weird" about her, until one day she sat down on my lap, in a very innocent friendship-like way, and this feeling shot through me from where her body touched my thighs all the way into my stomach, and from there a bit farther southwards, making me dizzy and, above all, rather confused. I pushed her off my lap, and that was that.
I put it off my mind... which wasn't such a hard thing to do, seeing as it never really was on it in the first place, at least not on a conscious level. I dated guys, quite a few, had sex with some of them, and a hell of a lot of fun doing it. No more weird thoughts and feelings for a while.
It wasn't until a couple or so years later when the topic came up again, this time much more consciously than before. I don't even remember the circumstances anymore, I just remember that I brought it up one day to my then-boyfriend, the first serious relationship I was ever in. For some reason I told him that I liked looking at girls, and how looking at some of them makes me feel. Of course his reaction wasn't exactly of the most positive kind, so from then on I mostly kept my thoughts on this to myself - which intensified over time, without me ever acting on any of them.
It's just a phase... it'll pass... you know. Massive self-denial.
Since then I mostly ignored it when I came across a girl I felt attracted to. I secretly looked at lesbian porn on the internet, and submitted my profile to one or two gay personals sites, but never really following up on anything. I had (and have) occasional surges of NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but the ambition died away almost as soon as I was done making plans on how I would go about it.
I got older, and along with it a bit more secure about myself and what I am. I started to tell the guys I was with. Most of them liked the dirty fantasies that my revelations apparently put into ther heads, but that was ok. It was positive reinforcement of some sort. Then one day I was faced with massive rejection and disgust, as I opened myself up to one guy, who then all of a sudden thought me untrustworthy, ambiguous, and unable to be in a monogamous relationship, just because I am interested in both genders. I was confused and hurt - but later I found out that said ex was left by a woman for another once. Ok, that would explain it, but I was still deeply offended by his notion of me being potentially more unfaithful, just because I felt attracted to women just as I did to men.
Life went on as usual. Until the drunk incident. Oh, boy. Those two girls in that strip bar were so obviously trying to pick me up, both of them, but I was far too wasted to even respond to them with as much as a nod of my head, and my first real potential opportunity with a female drowned in the swamp of alcohol that my brain had turned into that night. A bummer which I would regret for longer than it took to get rid of my hangover... lol.
Anyway. When I met my now-fiancé, I decided to be very bold. I decided not to allow anyone to put me down anymore or make me feel abnormal anymore because I was different, and I wanted to be frank with him from day one, see how he reacted to it, and then take it from there. So I told him: "I am a bisexual."
He said. "Oh, cool."
Turns out to my surprise that my beloved had, in the course of his life, slept with more guys than with girls. A bisexual himself!
Hello! What a turn on... but not only that, I finally felt that I had found someone who understands, and who doesn't judge, and who lets me be who I want to be, no questions asked. We had a few points of friction when he one day proclaimed that I wasn't a "real" bisexual, because I have never had any actual sexual contact with a female, and as long as it's just in my head, it doesn't count. I very strongly disagreed, and by now I believe he knows that I am not just all talk and dirty fantasy. :)
We've been talking on and off about "doing something about it", meaning to bring a girl into our bedroom for me to have fun with. Whereas I like the idea and the fantasy of it, I never was actually bold enough to act on it, and I also find it a tad too superficial... so now I have an open minded and above all supportive and encouraging partner - and I am STILL a bisexual virgin! LOL
Right now I am in another one of those NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT phases. And this time I think I will go through with it, to whatever outcome. I am determined to become who I know I am, and to (slowly and eventually) let the world know about what I really am. This blog is a beginning. I have given this link to a very select and trustworthy few who are NOT part of my family, or my roommates, or my best friends, or any other person who knows me in real life, and I am hoping that eventually I will get some input from other people like me who happened to come across this website one way or another.
I will talk about what triggered this sudden determination of mine in my next entry.
"Certain things"? Yeah, like me being bisexual, the whole point of this literary adventure.
You see, I always kind of knew what's up with me. I remember I had my first crush on a girl when I was a wee teenager. She was a classmate, a petite little girl, and one of my best friends. I loved being around her, and I was scurrying around desperate for her approval pretty much all the time. At least that's how I look at it today, almost 10 years later. I didn't realize that I was feeling "weird" about her, until one day she sat down on my lap, in a very innocent friendship-like way, and this feeling shot through me from where her body touched my thighs all the way into my stomach, and from there a bit farther southwards, making me dizzy and, above all, rather confused. I pushed her off my lap, and that was that.
I put it off my mind... which wasn't such a hard thing to do, seeing as it never really was on it in the first place, at least not on a conscious level. I dated guys, quite a few, had sex with some of them, and a hell of a lot of fun doing it. No more weird thoughts and feelings for a while.
It wasn't until a couple or so years later when the topic came up again, this time much more consciously than before. I don't even remember the circumstances anymore, I just remember that I brought it up one day to my then-boyfriend, the first serious relationship I was ever in. For some reason I told him that I liked looking at girls, and how looking at some of them makes me feel. Of course his reaction wasn't exactly of the most positive kind, so from then on I mostly kept my thoughts on this to myself - which intensified over time, without me ever acting on any of them.
It's just a phase... it'll pass... you know. Massive self-denial.
Since then I mostly ignored it when I came across a girl I felt attracted to. I secretly looked at lesbian porn on the internet, and submitted my profile to one or two gay personals sites, but never really following up on anything. I had (and have) occasional surges of NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but the ambition died away almost as soon as I was done making plans on how I would go about it.
I got older, and along with it a bit more secure about myself and what I am. I started to tell the guys I was with. Most of them liked the dirty fantasies that my revelations apparently put into ther heads, but that was ok. It was positive reinforcement of some sort. Then one day I was faced with massive rejection and disgust, as I opened myself up to one guy, who then all of a sudden thought me untrustworthy, ambiguous, and unable to be in a monogamous relationship, just because I am interested in both genders. I was confused and hurt - but later I found out that said ex was left by a woman for another once. Ok, that would explain it, but I was still deeply offended by his notion of me being potentially more unfaithful, just because I felt attracted to women just as I did to men.
Life went on as usual. Until the drunk incident. Oh, boy. Those two girls in that strip bar were so obviously trying to pick me up, both of them, but I was far too wasted to even respond to them with as much as a nod of my head, and my first real potential opportunity with a female drowned in the swamp of alcohol that my brain had turned into that night. A bummer which I would regret for longer than it took to get rid of my hangover... lol.
Anyway. When I met my now-fiancé, I decided to be very bold. I decided not to allow anyone to put me down anymore or make me feel abnormal anymore because I was different, and I wanted to be frank with him from day one, see how he reacted to it, and then take it from there. So I told him: "I am a bisexual."
He said. "Oh, cool."
Turns out to my surprise that my beloved had, in the course of his life, slept with more guys than with girls. A bisexual himself!
Hello! What a turn on... but not only that, I finally felt that I had found someone who understands, and who doesn't judge, and who lets me be who I want to be, no questions asked. We had a few points of friction when he one day proclaimed that I wasn't a "real" bisexual, because I have never had any actual sexual contact with a female, and as long as it's just in my head, it doesn't count. I very strongly disagreed, and by now I believe he knows that I am not just all talk and dirty fantasy. :)
We've been talking on and off about "doing something about it", meaning to bring a girl into our bedroom for me to have fun with. Whereas I like the idea and the fantasy of it, I never was actually bold enough to act on it, and I also find it a tad too superficial... so now I have an open minded and above all supportive and encouraging partner - and I am STILL a bisexual virgin! LOL
Right now I am in another one of those NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT phases. And this time I think I will go through with it, to whatever outcome. I am determined to become who I know I am, and to (slowly and eventually) let the world know about what I really am. This blog is a beginning. I have given this link to a very select and trustworthy few who are NOT part of my family, or my roommates, or my best friends, or any other person who knows me in real life, and I am hoping that eventually I will get some input from other people like me who happened to come across this website one way or another.
I will talk about what triggered this sudden determination of mine in my next entry.
